for Werewolves, Bourbon, And Soda Can Baseball1/15/2010 c2 
99Dreamers-Requiem
Great characters, I love how they still have the immature teenage mentality, despite how long they've lived. It makes things more interesting. Just one suggestion - we hear a lot of comments about how Toni acts, I think we should be able to see a bit more of it.
99Dreamers-RequiemGreat characters, I love how they still have the immature teenage mentality, despite how long they've lived. It makes things more interesting. Just one suggestion - we hear a lot of comments about how Toni acts, I think we should be able to see a bit more of it.
1/14/2010 c2 1RetardedChicken
The Prologue was brilliant, it was really interesting and made me read on. The darkness was really well written. I'm also liking the characters, they're well described. Anyways cna't wait for more. UPDATE SOON!
form the Roadhouse.
1RetardedChickenThe Prologue was brilliant, it was really interesting and made me read on. The darkness was really well written. I'm also liking the characters, they're well described. Anyways cna't wait for more. UPDATE SOON!
form the Roadhouse.
1/11/2010 c1 WutNow
Here from Roadhouse!
Might I make a small suggestion? I think it is better to put the Author's Note at the end of the chapter and not the beginning. I read the summary, was intrigued, and then I begin with reading the author's note and lost the dramatic effect the summary leads to the first chapter. I don't know, maybe it's just me? Anyway, sorry, here goes my real review- wait, let me dance since I'm the first to review! *dances*
First of all, I liked the dark, eerie scene the story begins with. Beginning with such a strong introduction really helps lure the readers in, and I was hooked into the darkness you described. I really liked how you described the main character's disoriented state, she without a memory, to do a task against her will. I thought your description was vivid and believable, and professional might I add. Overall,I thought you gave birth to a very strong introduction!
Now for the things you can tweak:
"I couldn t move, couldn t see, couldn t even breathe;"- I'm not sure what program you used for uploading the story but each one you typed with "n't" is missing.
"My shoes were gone, my feet black with dirt, there was something suspiciously like dried blood caked to my skin; I broke down, sobbed to myself, eyes focused on the ground. There is no feeling worse than not knowing who you are." - Though I knew what you were talking "dry blood" I thought you took away the seriousness by saying " something suspiciously dried blood caked to my skin." I think you kind of sugar coated the image, and it's better to just say she was covered by blood. Is it her own? Is it someone elses? etc.
"For the first[add comma] and what I would later think would be the only time in my life as a lycanthrope, I cried."- I found the last sentence to be confusing. I think it would have been nice if you described what a lycanthrope is. I am not a huge fan of fantasy, so this might be common sense to those who are familiar with the topic. Consider that some readers don't know what it is, and maybe try to explain what it is. Does Tina even know what it is? I had to google what it is XD
I also would have liked if you describe more of her environment. You said that there were buildings, so I assumed that she's in an alley by herself, and then the figure appeared in front of her and I just lost where the location of the place is. Was she on the floor? In the City? Wilderness? Etc.
Overall, I thought you did a fascinating job!
Hope to hear more from you soon :)
-Agent
Here from Roadhouse!
Might I make a small suggestion? I think it is better to put the Author's Note at the end of the chapter and not the beginning. I read the summary, was intrigued, and then I begin with reading the author's note and lost the dramatic effect the summary leads to the first chapter. I don't know, maybe it's just me? Anyway, sorry, here goes my real review- wait, let me dance since I'm the first to review! *dances*
First of all, I liked the dark, eerie scene the story begins with. Beginning with such a strong introduction really helps lure the readers in, and I was hooked into the darkness you described. I really liked how you described the main character's disoriented state, she without a memory, to do a task against her will. I thought your description was vivid and believable, and professional might I add. Overall,I thought you gave birth to a very strong introduction!
Now for the things you can tweak:
"I couldn t move, couldn t see, couldn t even breathe;"- I'm not sure what program you used for uploading the story but each one you typed with "n't" is missing.
"My shoes were gone, my feet black with dirt, there was something suspiciously like dried blood caked to my skin; I broke down, sobbed to myself, eyes focused on the ground. There is no feeling worse than not knowing who you are." - Though I knew what you were talking "dry blood" I thought you took away the seriousness by saying " something suspiciously dried blood caked to my skin." I think you kind of sugar coated the image, and it's better to just say she was covered by blood. Is it her own? Is it someone elses? etc.
"For the first[add comma] and what I would later think would be the only time in my life as a lycanthrope, I cried."- I found the last sentence to be confusing. I think it would have been nice if you described what a lycanthrope is. I am not a huge fan of fantasy, so this might be common sense to those who are familiar with the topic. Consider that some readers don't know what it is, and maybe try to explain what it is. Does Tina even know what it is? I had to google what it is XD
I also would have liked if you describe more of her environment. You said that there were buildings, so I assumed that she's in an alley by herself, and then the figure appeared in front of her and I just lost where the location of the place is. Was she on the floor? In the City? Wilderness? Etc.
Overall, I thought you did a fascinating job!
Hope to hear more from you soon :)
-Agent