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for The Metal Saga of Rob Stone

2/5/2010 c1 2Vicki Lawson
very interesting story!
2/2/2010 c2 48Michael Panush
This was pretty good, and had some cool parts that were continued from the first one. I think the only problems are the writing, some of the characterization, and maybe a lack of information and screentime about the villains.

I think the writing's problem is a lack of metaphors and figurative language. You've got a little in there, but I think you need more, particularly for the trippy stuff you're describing. You need to really give some gross, memorable metaphors that will stick in my head, and really help me see the bizarre enemies and locations in this story. The same for the action scenes. They were cool, and I liked the car chase with the hippies, and the brawl in the drug world, but a few metaphors describing the feeling of Rob Stone, the agony of his wounds and the taste of blood in his mouth, that kind of thing, would really make them more visceral. More metaphors in general could spice up those fight scenes.

The chararcterization is okay, but still need a little work. Grimm is good, and I can hear a very distinct and funny voice from him. Rob Stone's a bit better, and I liked his reminescing of other metal stuff, but that seems to be the only unique thing he does. Maybe you could add in some cool slang phrases or make him a bit more long winded to add something a little different. Robert Li also needs to sound kind of different. His dialogue didn't have any quirks to it, and he was pretty standard. Maybe making him a verbose, educated guy who's kind of a snob would be cool? Finally, you should come up with some better oaths and insults for them. Calling the glam ghouls and hippies 'assholes' just doesn't fly. Call them 'Simpering Servants of the Sixties' or something, but make up some cooler insults and lines for the characters to have.

Finally, I think the main baddies could have gotten a little more screentime. Maybe they could have popped up earlier to harass Rob and his pals, but it just seemed they were encountered and defeated pretty fast. The other criticism I had was, when you're listing the music at the beginging, maybe you should include the album too, to make it a little easier to find.

Well, those are my thoughts. Looking forward to the next METAL episode!
1/19/2010 c1 Michael Panush
I can see you took some of my criticisms to heart, and I know you tried to enact them. I don't know how effective it was. The chatting between the metal band didn't feel much funnier, and I could only find one instince where Stone reminisced about the past. Still, the glam ghouls were good, though I think their description could have been edited a little. Still, the action, cool Viking guy and METAL awesomeness continued. I hope you write more of this soon.
1/17/2010 c1 pie
In a word, awesome. That is all.

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