for Chroma12/11/2011 c23 
2The.Violent.Spazz
Critique-ing isn't my best virtue. But I'll try :)
I like the way you write, instead of just being able to relate to her thoughts, you can actually feel like your really there. Getting hit by every emotion she's feeling. You got me crying in quite of few chapters, there was alot of emotion.
From around chapter 17 to now, I'm not sure what happened. Maybe I became emotionless person overnite(Since I read this in a two day period, what can I say? I couldn't stop :D ), but some of the feelings were there, but jumbled all together. Like you were trying to give us so much at the same time, I didn't know what I should've been feeling; and sometimes it was all in monotone. The feeling, that is. For instance, when Nate and her shared a secret, it was saddenning, to have her and him both go through that pain, but there was no feeling to it. But that could've been just me. If you understand what I'm saying,(because normally when I explain things people don't get it. Perhaps I just word it wrong?) you could try slowing things down, like thoughts and feelings. For example, when Leslie saw that Max and Keaton were an item, there was anger from Leslie, and slight remorse? from Max, but then all of sudden, Max was getting mad, and BOOM! It's over. It went as fast as it came. You could've put more space, more time in between each feeling, the wording was amazing, don't get me wrong, but it so fast. There were only a few areas in which you did that, maybe 2-4 times? Everything else was just so nerve-wrecking down-to-earth.
Other than a few forced feelings that came at the same time, nothing was confusing. Your wording or language usage was really nice. That little piece of paper Nate wrote and gave to her? It was perfect, it seemed to be much more than something you wrote and publish on fictionpress, it seemed real and important. Something that someone would've said decades ago, and became a well-known quote. Or when she said to Jess "You hold all of them together", that was brillant, and then pointing out that it meant much more than the Leslie/Max/Keats problem. It's like a riddle, you can have many different perspectives of it, but mine won't be like your perspective, and probably won't be the same as others.
A character I dislike would be Chase, of course, probably everyone dislikes him. But I'd like to know more about him, and who this Chelsea person is, other than a sister. Why Chase acted the way he did to her. I wish I could understand him more because then maybe, I'd feel more than just dislike towards him.
That's about all I can say. You have such a great talent for writing, it's hard to find things that aren't good. It's like you have the ability to make things that couldv'e been negative in someone else's eye, and make them unbelievably positve.
I can't wait till the next chapter. And I do hope this has been even the slightest bit helpful :)
2The.Violent.SpazzCritique-ing isn't my best virtue. But I'll try :)
I like the way you write, instead of just being able to relate to her thoughts, you can actually feel like your really there. Getting hit by every emotion she's feeling. You got me crying in quite of few chapters, there was alot of emotion.
From around chapter 17 to now, I'm not sure what happened. Maybe I became emotionless person overnite(Since I read this in a two day period, what can I say? I couldn't stop :D ), but some of the feelings were there, but jumbled all together. Like you were trying to give us so much at the same time, I didn't know what I should've been feeling; and sometimes it was all in monotone. The feeling, that is. For instance, when Nate and her shared a secret, it was saddenning, to have her and him both go through that pain, but there was no feeling to it. But that could've been just me. If you understand what I'm saying,(because normally when I explain things people don't get it. Perhaps I just word it wrong?) you could try slowing things down, like thoughts and feelings. For example, when Leslie saw that Max and Keaton were an item, there was anger from Leslie, and slight remorse? from Max, but then all of sudden, Max was getting mad, and BOOM! It's over. It went as fast as it came. You could've put more space, more time in between each feeling, the wording was amazing, don't get me wrong, but it so fast. There were only a few areas in which you did that, maybe 2-4 times? Everything else was just so nerve-wrecking down-to-earth.
Other than a few forced feelings that came at the same time, nothing was confusing. Your wording or language usage was really nice. That little piece of paper Nate wrote and gave to her? It was perfect, it seemed to be much more than something you wrote and publish on fictionpress, it seemed real and important. Something that someone would've said decades ago, and became a well-known quote. Or when she said to Jess "You hold all of them together", that was brillant, and then pointing out that it meant much more than the Leslie/Max/Keats problem. It's like a riddle, you can have many different perspectives of it, but mine won't be like your perspective, and probably won't be the same as others.
A character I dislike would be Chase, of course, probably everyone dislikes him. But I'd like to know more about him, and who this Chelsea person is, other than a sister. Why Chase acted the way he did to her. I wish I could understand him more because then maybe, I'd feel more than just dislike towards him.
That's about all I can say. You have such a great talent for writing, it's hard to find things that aren't good. It's like you have the ability to make things that couldv'e been negative in someone else's eye, and make them unbelievably positve.
I can't wait till the next chapter. And I do hope this has been even the slightest bit helpful :)
12/10/2011 c23 sophiesing
This is really a stunning story. The characters are wonderfully written and believable, the writing itself is great. When I found this story I spent like hours reading it all, I cannot wait until the next chapter.
This is really a stunning story. The characters are wonderfully written and believable, the writing itself is great. When I found this story I spent like hours reading it all, I cannot wait until the next chapter.
12/5/2011 c23 1kauth0
Goodness, this is so great. I always get so wary going into a story of tragedy and dramatics, because it can be very quickly overdone. But, this didnt even get close to that.
Kon had this delicious mix of self pity and strength. You gave an accurate potrayal of the effects of death, while still mantaining a likable and easy to read character. To make it better, she definately had some things that i didnt like about her, which i think is pertenant to a good protaganist. And, your ability to keep me interested in your side characters story only slightly less than the main is definately commendable.
I honestly think my only complaints would be a few grammar issues here and there, and i feel like the its not getting anywhere. From chapter 1 to chapter 23, plenty has happened, but i havent seen much growth in the relationship between nate and kon. Now, i do feel like it holds a certain realism, especially considering kon's situation, but as a die hard romantic i cant help but want it rushed. X) neverthless, i will be greatly anticipating the next chapter, and i think you deserve the highest props for this story. Its honestly one of the best ive seen on the internet, and in its completion will probably be a favorite of mine, published or not :)
1kauth0Goodness, this is so great. I always get so wary going into a story of tragedy and dramatics, because it can be very quickly overdone. But, this didnt even get close to that.
Kon had this delicious mix of self pity and strength. You gave an accurate potrayal of the effects of death, while still mantaining a likable and easy to read character. To make it better, she definately had some things that i didnt like about her, which i think is pertenant to a good protaganist. And, your ability to keep me interested in your side characters story only slightly less than the main is definately commendable.
I honestly think my only complaints would be a few grammar issues here and there, and i feel like the its not getting anywhere. From chapter 1 to chapter 23, plenty has happened, but i havent seen much growth in the relationship between nate and kon. Now, i do feel like it holds a certain realism, especially considering kon's situation, but as a die hard romantic i cant help but want it rushed. X) neverthless, i will be greatly anticipating the next chapter, and i think you deserve the highest props for this story. Its honestly one of the best ive seen on the internet, and in its completion will probably be a favorite of mine, published or not :)
12/5/2011 c23 T
I love this story. I got the recommendation of ADOR. The story is super depressing at times, cute at others (very different from the mindless, fuzzy stories that I normally go for to get my mind off stuff like finals, which I should really be studying for). I think that you do a really beautiful job of depicting the events and characters realistically and fully (which I really appreciate because a lot of the other authors on FP tend to rush things and go mainly for the action. But I guess your story also calls for it more.) I hope you update soon. I know what you mean about being swamped by university work but I hope you find the time to write more over break. :) GOOD JOB!
I love this story. I got the recommendation of ADOR. The story is super depressing at times, cute at others (very different from the mindless, fuzzy stories that I normally go for to get my mind off stuff like finals, which I should really be studying for). I think that you do a really beautiful job of depicting the events and characters realistically and fully (which I really appreciate because a lot of the other authors on FP tend to rush things and go mainly for the action. But I guess your story also calls for it more.) I hope you update soon. I know what you mean about being swamped by university work but I hope you find the time to write more over break. :) GOOD JOB!
11/17/2011 c23 anon
Just wanted to say that I like how your story is progressing. I think at times it might seem a little slow because not all that much happens, but you put a lot of emphasis on developing the main characters, which makes it that much more intriguing to read. The other thing I like is that you aren't so 'obvious' in your writing. Instead of writing 'this is this, so that means that', you do it more like 'this is this' and leave it for the reader to link the meaning or come to the realization themselves. Basically, I think it's a more mature way of writing. If that makes sense!
Anyways, I have to end this with a plead to update soon so that I have something to do when I'm bored at home =] Good luck with college!
Just wanted to say that I like how your story is progressing. I think at times it might seem a little slow because not all that much happens, but you put a lot of emphasis on developing the main characters, which makes it that much more intriguing to read. The other thing I like is that you aren't so 'obvious' in your writing. Instead of writing 'this is this, so that means that', you do it more like 'this is this' and leave it for the reader to link the meaning or come to the realization themselves. Basically, I think it's a more mature way of writing. If that makes sense!
Anyways, I have to end this with a plead to update soon so that I have something to do when I'm bored at home =] Good luck with college!
11/14/2011 c1 25Kyllex
Remember how I told you I desperately wanted to re-read this whole thing but wouldn't have time? Well, it turns out that I had plenty of time. I just had to tell my homework to go away and like, not sleep, and everything was fine. :)
Haha, but seriously, I love this story. I don't care if you think it's awful. I think it's awesome. And now I am fangirling over Nate again, so thanks a lot. LOL.
So yeah...I just wanted to review because you deserve reviews and I know I hadn't reviewed every chapter of this story. SO...YEP!
Okay, I'm going to end this really ADHD and weird review now. Because I'm making like no sense, and I am aware of that. Mmhmm.
-Kyllex/Kelly
25KyllexRemember how I told you I desperately wanted to re-read this whole thing but wouldn't have time? Well, it turns out that I had plenty of time. I just had to tell my homework to go away and like, not sleep, and everything was fine. :)
Haha, but seriously, I love this story. I don't care if you think it's awful. I think it's awesome. And now I am fangirling over Nate again, so thanks a lot. LOL.
So yeah...I just wanted to review because you deserve reviews and I know I hadn't reviewed every chapter of this story. SO...YEP!
Okay, I'm going to end this really ADHD and weird review now. Because I'm making like no sense, and I am aware of that. Mmhmm.
-Kyllex/Kelly
11/10/2011 c23 Joemommah
("She's not seriously asking him for abortion money right now. Tell me I'm seeing this wrong."
There wasn't even a beat before I found the couple Nate was looking at, a girl around our age and a guy a couple of years older, speaking in harsh whispers. Whatever they were fighting about, the girl was lying, leaning towards him just a little less than she would have had she really been angry, hands flying about just a little too wildly as she spoke.
The guy she was talking to looked horrified, just managing to stave off panic by getting mad instead of letting himself realise the repercussions of whatever she was telling him. She was threatening him, and he was trying very hard not to give in, but she was being more insistent and her lie was becoming more and more plausible by the second.
Finally, his mouth formed the word, "Fine," and he leaned forward to pull his wallet out of his back pocket.
"I think she definitely just asked him for abortion money," I said.
"She's not pregnant though, right?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Poor guy."
"She wouldn't be able to pull the scam over on him so easily if he'd worn a condom."
Nate gave an agreeing shrug. "Very true."
Then he looked at me, almost smiling. We stared at each other for a good long minute. Then he nodded at a table of girls and two guys a few feet from ours. "How many days straight do you think he's worn that shirt since the blonde girl told him she liked it on him?"
"Four."
"That's what I thought, but wouldn't we be able to smell it from here if that were the case?"
I shook my head. "He's had his mom wash it for him every night."
"Desperate but hygienic.")
This was my favorite part of the whole story. I love how perceptive these two are and Kon`s observations make the story way more interesting. I love how this story isn`t just only about Kon and Nate and everyone`s lives are intermingled throughout the story in a way where it doesn`t feel forced or unnecessary. I love your characters- Kon, Keaton, Max, Leslie, Carol, Shaun, Jessica, Chris- most of them have issues and it`s awesome how they deal with them. It`s just that Nate isn`t real to me yet. Also, I love how you included the part about Shaun and his secret. Thi story is well-written and plot well-developed, so I hope that it continues to stay this awesome. Happy writing. :D
("She's not seriously asking him for abortion money right now. Tell me I'm seeing this wrong."
There wasn't even a beat before I found the couple Nate was looking at, a girl around our age and a guy a couple of years older, speaking in harsh whispers. Whatever they were fighting about, the girl was lying, leaning towards him just a little less than she would have had she really been angry, hands flying about just a little too wildly as she spoke.
The guy she was talking to looked horrified, just managing to stave off panic by getting mad instead of letting himself realise the repercussions of whatever she was telling him. She was threatening him, and he was trying very hard not to give in, but she was being more insistent and her lie was becoming more and more plausible by the second.
Finally, his mouth formed the word, "Fine," and he leaned forward to pull his wallet out of his back pocket.
"I think she definitely just asked him for abortion money," I said.
"She's not pregnant though, right?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Poor guy."
"She wouldn't be able to pull the scam over on him so easily if he'd worn a condom."
Nate gave an agreeing shrug. "Very true."
Then he looked at me, almost smiling. We stared at each other for a good long minute. Then he nodded at a table of girls and two guys a few feet from ours. "How many days straight do you think he's worn that shirt since the blonde girl told him she liked it on him?"
"Four."
"That's what I thought, but wouldn't we be able to smell it from here if that were the case?"
I shook my head. "He's had his mom wash it for him every night."
"Desperate but hygienic.")
This was my favorite part of the whole story. I love how perceptive these two are and Kon`s observations make the story way more interesting. I love how this story isn`t just only about Kon and Nate and everyone`s lives are intermingled throughout the story in a way where it doesn`t feel forced or unnecessary. I love your characters- Kon, Keaton, Max, Leslie, Carol, Shaun, Jessica, Chris- most of them have issues and it`s awesome how they deal with them. It`s just that Nate isn`t real to me yet. Also, I love how you included the part about Shaun and his secret. Thi story is well-written and plot well-developed, so I hope that it continues to stay this awesome. Happy writing. :D
10/5/2011 c23 CMTaylor
Well I just started reading your story today and after your little rant to a reviewer...I'm a little afraid to tell you what I think. Honestly if you post on a public site, you need to expect negative feedback and take that with a grain of salt. I don't think you should lash out at your reviewers...good or bad. They are telling you what they think, point blank. Just ignore that reviewer if their feedback is not helpful and move on. I hate having authors interrupt their story to go off on an ignorant reviewer...not worth my time or yours quick frankly. People are entitled to their opinion and you asked for it at the end of every chapter. Obviously that particular reviewer needs to RELAX and accept that you can update when you damn well please, but I don't think you need to address this in your story...just my opinion...please don't shoot me ;)
Anyway, I think your story is very well written and has loads of depth to it. I tend to find high school stories very cliche and not at all representative of real life, but your story has characters that are very relatable and full of flaws which is a breathe of fresh air. I think your chapters are a little on the short side but they are still very descriptive and well thoughtout. I love Nate and Kon's relationship...they have so much in common and it's nice to see them rely on one another since they have both experienced so much pain and events that no teenager should ever have to endure...or anybody for that matter.
I hope you give us a little more insight to Nate. I feel bad for him...I mean he is being abused...but in all honestly we don't know much about him. We were introduced to his dad briefly but I'm not as connected to Nate as I am to Kon. Perhaps in the following chapters we could learn more about Nate. I'm not sure if you thought about doing this but may be changing the pov to Nate for a few chapters would add a lot to your story.
I think the romance is a little lacking as well. If your story is classified as a romance, I would like to not be disappointed much longer;) I'm a sucker for romances and I hope you start including that in the following chapters. It would be nice to see a more romantic side to Nate ;) He is freaking hot and adorable by the way you describe him!
Anway great work! I used to be a writer but now life has gotten in the way. I enjoy reading more than writing and I thank you for letting me read your story...I know it's on a public site but you made it available ;) It takes a lot of courage to put your work out there and I commend you for that...I don't think I could do it.
Good luck with college...been there done that. Focus on your studies and don't forget to take it easy sometimes too..like taking a break and updating your story ;) If you don't update semi-frequently I'm going to forget what they hey was going on! LOL!
Well I just started reading your story today and after your little rant to a reviewer...I'm a little afraid to tell you what I think. Honestly if you post on a public site, you need to expect negative feedback and take that with a grain of salt. I don't think you should lash out at your reviewers...good or bad. They are telling you what they think, point blank. Just ignore that reviewer if their feedback is not helpful and move on. I hate having authors interrupt their story to go off on an ignorant reviewer...not worth my time or yours quick frankly. People are entitled to their opinion and you asked for it at the end of every chapter. Obviously that particular reviewer needs to RELAX and accept that you can update when you damn well please, but I don't think you need to address this in your story...just my opinion...please don't shoot me ;)
Anyway, I think your story is very well written and has loads of depth to it. I tend to find high school stories very cliche and not at all representative of real life, but your story has characters that are very relatable and full of flaws which is a breathe of fresh air. I think your chapters are a little on the short side but they are still very descriptive and well thoughtout. I love Nate and Kon's relationship...they have so much in common and it's nice to see them rely on one another since they have both experienced so much pain and events that no teenager should ever have to endure...or anybody for that matter.
I hope you give us a little more insight to Nate. I feel bad for him...I mean he is being abused...but in all honestly we don't know much about him. We were introduced to his dad briefly but I'm not as connected to Nate as I am to Kon. Perhaps in the following chapters we could learn more about Nate. I'm not sure if you thought about doing this but may be changing the pov to Nate for a few chapters would add a lot to your story.
I think the romance is a little lacking as well. If your story is classified as a romance, I would like to not be disappointed much longer;) I'm a sucker for romances and I hope you start including that in the following chapters. It would be nice to see a more romantic side to Nate ;) He is freaking hot and adorable by the way you describe him!
Anway great work! I used to be a writer but now life has gotten in the way. I enjoy reading more than writing and I thank you for letting me read your story...I know it's on a public site but you made it available ;) It takes a lot of courage to put your work out there and I commend you for that...I don't think I could do it.
Good luck with college...been there done that. Focus on your studies and don't forget to take it easy sometimes too..like taking a break and updating your story ;) If you don't update semi-frequently I'm going to forget what they hey was going on! LOL!
10/4/2011 c23 uninspiredsoul
I really enjoyed reading this story, i find it intriguing how Nate and Konstantine read people.
I really enjoyed reading this story, i find it intriguing how Nate and Konstantine read people.
10/3/2011 c23 Deleted123321
Hey :-)
Lve the story ! I've just started reading it, and cant wait for the next chapter :-) i cant leave a massive review for this chapter, as i am in my history-class right now, and i really should be listening ;-) but next chapter, ill write something noce for you xD
Ara
Hey :-)
Lve the story ! I've just started reading it, and cant wait for the next chapter :-) i cant leave a massive review for this chapter, as i am in my history-class right now, and i really should be listening ;-) but next chapter, ill write something noce for you xD
Ara
10/2/2011 c23 xXMoonsilverXx
Uhh, I really don't have a single problem about this story. No grammar mistakes, no badly constructed sentences...in all, a very good story, punctuation-wise.
But the plot, OMG it's so awesome! I love the way that you take a long time to develop the characters and you're not moving too fast! This is seriously one of the best stories I've read on Fictionpress. You need more reviews.
I really don't mind waiting for the next chapter. As long as you get it out, I'm perfectly fine! XD.
xXMoonsilverXx
Uhh, I really don't have a single problem about this story. No grammar mistakes, no badly constructed sentences...in all, a very good story, punctuation-wise.
But the plot, OMG it's so awesome! I love the way that you take a long time to develop the characters and you're not moving too fast! This is seriously one of the best stories I've read on Fictionpress. You need more reviews.
I really don't mind waiting for the next chapter. As long as you get it out, I'm perfectly fine! XD.
xXMoonsilverXx
10/1/2011 c23 cl
just stumbled across this story and next thing you know, i've stayed up most of the night to read it all.
just wanted to say its by far one of the most gripping, thrilling, exciting..(i really could go on here!) stories i have read in a long while.
so thank you, and please keep on updating!
just stumbled across this story and next thing you know, i've stayed up most of the night to read it all.
just wanted to say its by far one of the most gripping, thrilling, exciting..(i really could go on here!) stories i have read in a long while.
so thank you, and please keep on updating!
9/30/2011 c23 8There's-A-Star-In-My-Hand
iknowyou said you wanted people to critique you but i can really think of anything right now...maybe later!1
i just wanted to say this story made me laugh at times and cry at others! it's proberly one of the best! i don't care how long it takes for you to update-as long as there is a chapter at the end of it!
i love Kon and Chris, they're so adorable yet so upsetting at the same time! i swear i cry at every flashback :)
i love nate too x x x x
best. story. ever! x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
8There's-A-Star-In-My-Handiknowyou said you wanted people to critique you but i can really think of anything right now...maybe later!1
i just wanted to say this story made me laugh at times and cry at others! it's proberly one of the best! i don't care how long it takes for you to update-as long as there is a chapter at the end of it!
i love Kon and Chris, they're so adorable yet so upsetting at the same time! i swear i cry at every flashback :)
i love nate too x x x x
best. story. ever! x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
9/29/2011 c10 There's-A-Star-In-My-Hand
this chapter made me want to cry so bad!if i ever met Kon i would so give her a hug even if she doesn't want one! this story is so emotional and sweet! i kinda don't want her to end up with nate because i love chriss too much!
amazing story, i'm off to the next chapter x x x x
this chapter made me want to cry so bad!if i ever met Kon i would so give her a hug even if she doesn't want one! this story is so emotional and sweet! i kinda don't want her to end up with nate because i love chriss too much!
amazing story, i'm off to the next chapter x x x x
9/28/2011 c23 1deltaphi
I loved the people-watching comments at the end, it's amusing how Nate and Kon are so similar in their thoughts.
This is my first review for this story so I'm very sorry that I don't have any constructive criticism or actual proper feedback that you wanted here. I just want to how much I enjoy reading this story and you can count me in as another fan :)
I sacrificed hours of studying to instead read all 23 chapters and it was the best decision I've made all day.
Thank you SO MUCH for posting this story here. Many of FP decent writers have left this site and it saddens me to find so many good stories taken down, however it's the wonderful authors like YOU who are still here and still have faith in us readers that keeps this place alive :)
I'm looking forward to the next chapter,whether you update in a few weeks...months or even years. Please don't be pressured to write when you can't. Not everyone here only thinks you as an automatic chapter spewing machine.
I absolute can't wait to experience the rest of the story :)
Sorry I ramble too much, I hope you don't mind this criticism-less review.
1deltaphiI loved the people-watching comments at the end, it's amusing how Nate and Kon are so similar in their thoughts.
This is my first review for this story so I'm very sorry that I don't have any constructive criticism or actual proper feedback that you wanted here. I just want to how much I enjoy reading this story and you can count me in as another fan :)
I sacrificed hours of studying to instead read all 23 chapters and it was the best decision I've made all day.
Thank you SO MUCH for posting this story here. Many of FP decent writers have left this site and it saddens me to find so many good stories taken down, however it's the wonderful authors like YOU who are still here and still have faith in us readers that keeps this place alive :)
I'm looking forward to the next chapter,whether you update in a few weeks...months or even years. Please don't be pressured to write when you can't. Not everyone here only thinks you as an automatic chapter spewing machine.
I absolute can't wait to experience the rest of the story :)
Sorry I ramble too much, I hope you don't mind this criticism-less review.