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for Hoppily Ever After

3/29/2010 c1 Anise-Cary
No more acting like such a tadpole. - love that line, too cute

Lily groaned inwardly and slapped a foot between her eyes - great image!

He looked at me, she thought, in awe. He actually saw me. He knows I exist! - aw pure joy

The boy was running toward her, very slowly, with arms outstretched, through a field of flowers. She was hopping, just as slowly, towards him, her big eyes shining with love and joy. There was loud, romantic music accompanying the scene, the melody seeming to descend from heaven itself. - OMG I love this image, just totally love it! This is perfect.

Rudy blinked. All he could manage to choke out was a weak, "I'm sorry." - ah poor Rudy, I just wanna give him a hug

How rude, Lily thought, angrily erasing the picture back into the dirt, that he didn't draw a picture of me. - hm interesting end, can she read I wonder?

very cute story

from WRR
3/25/2010 c1 Anise Cary
Opening: I was very confused by the opening of this story. It seemed like maybe it was supposed to be prologue more than the beginning of the chapter. Also I think you could remove the phrase "for lack of a better expression" and it would read smoother.

Technique: We meet Jimmy and Bob rather quickly in the first two paragraphs after (1). I feel a bit overloaded with information and it took me a bit to sort it out. You might need to go back and reorganize. I'm still not sure if Bob is supposed to be Jimmy's cousin. Though I do get that Bob is not a nice man, you make that clear, good job on that.

Characters: I like the description of Jimmy as being scared since his twelfth birthday. I would understand this more though if I got a reason for it. Did something happen that made him so scared or is he just a naturally nervous individual. I feel like this needs to be fleshed out a bit more.

Ending: I'm intrigued with the way you ended this. With the thought that Bob and Edward are killers, I'd really like to see what their house looks like. I want to see how they live. Great job leaving your reader wanting more.

Dialogue: I think you have done a good job with the dialogue. It matches so well with the descriptions you've given the characters. I can hear Jimmy's shaking worried voice, and Bob being very confident and boisterous.

Overall this is a good start to your story. I have a feeling this could go someplace very scary.
2/3/2010 c1 14K.M.Simpson
A brillaint story, and a big weldone for winning the contest. I can tell you took your time to do this and had consontrated. There's emotinal and alot of good depscription. Good job and again, WELLDONE.
1/30/2010 c1 871no.peace.los.angeles
Ha, that was cute. I really did enjoy the whole feel of the story - very light, but at the same time, there was some melancholy to it. The ending was both touching and hilarious at the same time. Of course, the reader can see that he wanted to talk to her and tell her how he felt, but then she sees the picture as literal. I wanted to grab her little froggy self and go, "No, he wants you!" LOL. The relationships were nicely done, too. You have this toad, of course, who comes in and ruins everything between a frog and a boy, of all things. I liked the juxtaposition of the classic fairy tale there. :) And the writing style fit the piece very well, too. It was light, and had just the right amount of description to make it a visible scene. Very nicely done. Keep writing! :)
1/27/2010 c1 1shimba
Heya Good stuff, I enjoyed the ample usage of frog based appendages. Simple, clear and succinct sentences flow together well. Unfortunately, I have been trying to figure out the drawing of the Toad and princess but I just don't possess the intellect to get it. So close...
1/23/2010 c1 12RaccoonQueen
I think this story is very cute. I feel bad for Rudy, but oh well. You've left me a bit confused at the end. I could see you making another chapter to tie it all up. The boy wrote "I CAN'T SAY IT" because he can't tell her (the girl he drew) that he loves her. Am I right?

Anyways, good story.

-Dixxy
1/23/2010 c1 9Narq
The words "hoppily" every after made me think of a rabbit, so I was a bit disappointed when there wasn't one, and then I realised a frog hopped too! haha. Nice!

The ending, I found was amusing, like the frog had always been so similiar to humans - the speech, their behavior, everything, but then it seemed like she didn't have our intelligence: she didnt' see that the girl with the long flowing hair was her (is that right?)

And I loved the diseny feel you managed to eject in this story because of the lovely personfications you did.

Favourite lines:

“You look a bit…green.”

"you’re being a total wartface.”

"How rude, Lily thought, angrily erasing the picture back into the dirt, that he didn’t draw a picture of me."

But I didn't really get why the human couldn't say it.

Anyways, a good story which I thoroughly enjoyed!

Narq.
1/22/2010 c1 10taerkitty
Opening sentence is decent - no turn-offs. Opening passage is clever and amusing. Sets the stage, the characters, the conflict, and a hint of the nature of the story.

"Slapped a foot between her eyes." Like it!

"Rudy's tongue shot out [at lightning speed to catch it]." I'd just leave it at the shooting out. He's chewing the next sentence, so we avoid the cliche and the redundancy.

Unsure if the 'romantic scene climax' works for the character because she's not been to movies. It's an odd quibble - I can buy the talking frog, but, because she's not been established to be familiar with humans, I can't buy her using the same shared cultural metaphor that we use for these daydreams of love.

"You seem to be acting pretty strange today, Lil." Unsure if they've been together today long enough for him to make that generalization. "These past few days" works better in my eyes. After all, hasn't she been here sighing at her laddie-love of late?

"Wartface." I like how the language reflects their species.

Ending is ... open-ended. We've had a few upendings of "True love's kiss transforming someone from human to green, or vice versa" of late, so this one could be taken a few ways.

- The boy is drawing the standard 'princess kissing the frog' scene.

- Lily wants to kiss the boy so he turns into a frog (remember, the girl kisses, and the boy turns into the girl's species.)

The sentence with "I CAN'T SAY IT" narrows the possibilities down to exclude both, because I can't place who would say that, and what 'it' can't s/he say. Without that paragraph, the story is nicely open-ended, unresolved, but complete. The reader walks away wondering "what-if."

With the sentence, if the reader gets it, that's great. If not, then the reader walks away wondering "what the..." (just kidding, but the reader -is- wasting time wondering about the message instead of thinking about the actual story itself.)

Overall, typical Mizzuz level of excellence in presentation - no punctuation, grammar, or spelling errors. Good sense of setting and dialogue. Characters are ... charicatures, so the characterization present is more than adequate.

Great job!
1/22/2010 c1 36Vulpine Ninja
I thought it was a rabbit when I see 'hoppily'. But then... oh yea, frog hops to I guess. Thumbs up for using a lil frog than the usual bunnies.

oh my, I can relate to how Lily feels when Rudy interrupts. I always get that. XD

“You look a bit…green.” NICE PUN! *clapclapclap*

The frog seems to have feelings like human, so does the toad. Personally I'm not into animals that have emotions too similar to humans'. To me, there's a border. Animals have their own way. And I think it'd be better if the animal really thinks like an animal. But i can just put that aside and take it as something that comes from Disney (?). It does sound more cartoony than like a fairy tale (note that the Frog Prince is originally a human so it's acceptable that he thinks like one).

That aside, I found something amazing in the story. I don't know if you intended to do this, but there's a hidden message. I like what's going on between the human, frog and toad. The frog sees the human as something perfect, while the toad is the opposite. Doesn't she realize that she's imperfect in the humans eyes too? no need to answer that, but the use of that issue is nice. moral of the story, judge yourself first before you judge others X)

The ending is twisted. This is where 'Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder'.

Overall, the story is cute. Don't be offended, cartoons can be good for you too. And more importantly, you made me analyze it. 8D
1/21/2010 c1 30sophiesix
oh oh oh! the ending! THE ENDING!

XD

all the characters here were so nicely done. their dialogue was perfecty real. their movements too, and those little touches of webed feet and shifting on lily pads and... sigh Everyone's love was just so very Sweet!

"Yes, it certainly does…"

"Blinkblinkblink."

They were my two utmost favourite lines. I was giggling and heartbroken at the same time. oh man!

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