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9/9/2012 c23 10Complex Variable
You have a good battle sequence here; though the amount and diversity of dinosaurs is a little confusing (especially to someone entering the story in the middle) you've managed to create a lively bunch of characters with distinct personalities, to say the least. I like the accents/dialect, especially.

At the same time, though, your battle sequences come across as a little stilted. The constant excursions into the thoughts of your various characters makes it somewhat disorienting to read this fight scene. Also, I would recommend adding a bit more description in your fight scenes—not just of what is happening, but of what it looks/feels like. The way you describe the dinosaurs in this scene, it seems like they all have the same "parts"—even though they don't.

Maybe, you could try focusing on only one (or two) characters' perspectives, just to make the scene a little less jumpy.
7/9/2011 c21 5Whirlymerle
I liked the interesting concept. Talking dinosaurs (one with a Transylvanian accent?), knight, and “Green Folk” isn’t a combination I’ve seen on FP yet!

[The taste of blood filled Fin's mouth…The forest shook violently with the event, but Eira had the odd feeling that he was all but defeated. She turned to Fin, who greeted her with a loving grin.] At times, the third person omniscient style of writing didn’t really work for me. Here, you switch from Eira’s point of view to Fin’s in one paragraph, and I feel like it’s too fast, and almost seems like your characters are reading each other’s minds.

Other than that, nice job! The dinosaurs are funny!

~Merle
10/26/2010 c1 Horatio Blanchette
Just finished reading this chapter, and I wasn't sure what to expect. Overall I was very pleasently surprised, and will be adding this story to my subscription to continue to read it.

But into more specifics. The Opening: I appreciated the way you started your story off. You didn't reveal right away that your character was /not/ human, but slowly eased into it. It was a very pleasent "Oh.. wait.. cool!" type moment when I realized that this story was indeed told from the perspective of a t-rex. You explained very carefully the sort of atmosphere we were in (So we understood what sort of 'period' this t-rex was in) but more importantly you made sure to show us what /your/ idea on the dinosaurs were. Such as the down on the Baby t-rex's (Which was only a relatoively recent theory was it not?) I found myself impressed with how you handled your introduction.

The Characters: This too I was impressed with. Most people's initial inclination is to make carnivores 'the villians' your idea of making them almost an authority figure works, and it is executed well. Though it felt a little campy in places such as when Rust says "I'd never dare hurt the royalty." Overall it is a key to expressing how I believe you want the T-Rex family to come across (And I did really enjoy the 'Master Rex' nickname)

Your writing is a bit lacking in description, but I believe this is more personal taste for me then an actual problem. There wasn't enough lacking that I was confused, I just would have liked to have learned more about the land, about appearences, and about tastes smells sensations in general. Whenever you did describe the appearence of your characters I was always left wanting more. The only part it became a bit of a hindrence is when you were describing what was attacking Rex.

As well, And I'm not entirely sure if this is something that would be explained later or was simply a mistake, but Rex states that "he heard a distinct noise of metal clapping together in the distance.", Metal not being a natural substance, would he be able to recognize the sound of metal against metal? Wouldn't it be a foriegn object?



The plot I'm rather excited about. It seems you have a good start and I hope it continues down a unique path. There have been few but VERY famous dinosaur stories such as Land Before Time, or Dinotopia. I'd be aware of these and careful not to become to much like them (As I believe humans were eluded to). As well I'd be careful of mimicing other famous movies. Your writing is your own, and as the saying goes "everything has been done before" but if you have a scene that is identical to another Iconic scene in a multi-million grossing movie ( I.E. your scene of "As his maw opened, and his vocal chords shook violently in his throat, he even surprised himself when a devastating roar filled the air, shaking the creature in its tracks. Not sure of how to respond, the creature bellowed a snarl right back, but it was quite apparent that it was startled. Rex smiled, and felt so confident that he bucked his head back and shot forward once again, releasing nothing but a playful chirp, nothing like he had anticipated. That roar wasn't him, he thought. But that meant…" and the scene in the first LionKing) it can be a bit offsetting to the reader.

Plot (clichéd but well done? Interesting idea but poor execution? Suggestions on how to thicken it? Got no idea where it's heading, but interesting anyhow? How so?)
10/16/2010 c7 11J. D. Bennett
Ack! I am so behind on this story.

I like the intro to this chapter. The writing in this story seems to mature more and more by the chapter, which is awesome.

I don't know if I've said this in my reviews, but the whole social class system of the dinosaurs is so interesting. I mean I know it's an animalistic thing so it shouldn't be a surprise, but it's funny to see them act so much like humans. And Swipe...I love Swipe. Such a good character.

Anyway, not much to say on this chapter. I'll have to read more soon. I love the unique storyline. You really don't see many dinosaur stories around here. Plus, the chapters are a good length. There's nothing worse than staring at your harsh computer screen trying to read a chapter that will never, ever end...thanks for the short ones, haha. Keep up the great work!
9/19/2010 c20 12lianoid
Occasionally she would give off a soft sigh, one difficult to hear, but with little else but the sound of rustling vegetation, the knight still managed to make it out.

-Edit?/Personal: I find “give off a soft sigh” to read rather strangely. I think it would read better as “give a soft sigh” instead.

Bernard looked one way, expecting to see a ghoul or beast, then to another, but his suspicions were never fulfilled.

-I thought this was a great description. It was the final part of it that I quite enjoyed. I found it to be an interesting way to describe it, and rather creative.

"Twas magic Milady," He replied softly. "I…can't explain it to you."

-Edit: Comma after “magic” since he’s directly addressing her, and change “He” to “he”.

It was disheartening not to have her look back at him, to at least smile softly, but it didn't seem to be one of those moments.

-I adore this line. It was such a simple moment and yet it tugged at my heart a little.

"Be alert." He whispered to the other.

-Edit: Change the period within a dialogue to a comma and change “He” to “he”. With dialogue, it always ends with a comma if a tag is follows (i.e. s/he said, s/he whispered, et cetera) unless an exclamation mark, question mark, em dash, or ellipses is necessary. The first word of the dialogue tag—unless a proper noun—is always lowercased. I won’t point out any other dialogue/dialogue tag punctuation errors, but there are other ones, so I suggest keeping an eye out for them.

"Oh my! Getting testy again are we? My, we've hardly made this out to be a proper conversation my dear old friend."

-Edit: Comma after “conversation” since “my dear old friend” is a term of endearment. Whenever someone is directly addressing someone else, either by nickname, given name, endearment, et cetera, a comma must be placed before it. There are multiple errors of this kind, but I will not point them all out.

I’m not enjoying the length of this chapter. This, of course, is merely personal preference, but I find chapters that are over four-thousand words rather tiresome to read on Fiction Press. I might suggest trying to keep your chapters under that word count, but, of course, that’s to your discretion.

I’m also having a bit of trouble placing all of these characters. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t read the rest of this piece, but I find it rather difficult to keep track of them all, as well as their personalities and group dynamic. I’m normally quite taken to stories with a large cast of characters, but in this case, I’m not enjoying it.
9/7/2010 c19 4B. J. Winters
What I liked was your use of dialogue to move the story forward – particularly in the middle. Not too much description and a nice flow of action.

This portion early in the chapter is heavy with pronouns. “The young man sat in his room, in his own little throne of sorts, as he looked back at him with a contemplative stare. His legs were crossed, and he seemed to be getting lost in his chair as he thought, when he blinked.” { I couldn’t really tell who was sitting and who ‘he’ was at all times – it looks like Anthony is talking, but then you describe a young man sitting. Next paragraph it appears the prince is sitting but this line bound to the dialogue is confusing – perhaps rephrase? -and that last line there is awkward…”when he blinked’? sort of tacked on and meaningless)

Commas: I tend to see “Twas fine{,} Your Highness.” And “As have I{,}Sire” – use of commas before titles. Might be a style thing…

Missing word: Eira shook her head again. Fin gave a puzzled expression as he looked from {one} direction to another.

I particularly liked this paragraph – action well described and fluid: "Before either of them could speak further, Eira felt the ground below her give way. Fin felt his heart skip a beat as he watched her roll end over end down the hill, so steep was it that she descended several meters in mere seconds. It was too steep, Fin realized, at least for him to run down safely. He couldn't risk an injury of his own if he was to secure Eira. So he watched, helpless as his friend tumbled down, until she landed into a dense cloud of brush."

Not sure on this phrasing: "A sly smirk crossed his grin, and with that, the old Giant was back, Hopper thought." – {you have a facial expression I’ve not seen and a thought in one bundled sentence. I struck me as awkward word choice}

Overall I liked that I could jump in and read out of context, getting a good picture of the cast. Good luck.
8/1/2010 c6 3Tash Sta. Maria
Once again, very nice build-up of suspense at the end. It makes us wonder just who was prowling around in Princess Susan's room.

Hmm. I wonder if Sir Bernard might a possible fixture in this story. He seems like a really likeable character :). It'd be a pity if he wasn't.

Another very well-written chapter. Your writing style and choice of words are impressive.
8/1/2010 c5 Tash Sta. Maria
I LOVE the interaction between Thorn and Swipe, how they both contrast each other.

Anyway, that was a pretty smart kidnapping scene, what with the knights chucking Eira into the wagon of hay. I like it. It's definitely quite different from your usual kidnappings.

Also, very nice build-up to the suspense at the end of the chapter :)
8/1/2010 c4 Tash Sta. Maria
Found a very, very slight error here:

[Remember I have my duties]

There should be comma after remember, but it doesn't really matter considering how error-free your other chapters are.

Glad to see more development done on Eira's part. Also I found this line to be slightly confusing:

[Eira's opposite, Iduna was talkative and very outspoken, something not highly sought after in a wife.]

At first, I thought you meant 'sitting opposite' of Eira. I would have rather if you put 'The exact opposite of Eira,' or something like that. It's just strictly my opinion, though :)
8/1/2010 c3 Tash Sta. Maria
Once again, your descriptions are wow. :O Especially the part about the stegosaurs and dryosaurs. It's like your words set up the basis of my imagination yet leaves enough space for me to add in a few twists of my own.

I'm starting to really like Thorn and Swipe, what with Swipe's naivety and Thorn's sarcasm.

Honestly, your story is (as cliched as it sounds) a breath of fresh air. I mean, FINALLY a fantasy story with no more vampires / werewolves / witches.

Go team dinosaurs :D
8/1/2010 c2 Tash Sta. Maria
Gosh, I hope you don't take offense to this, but I kept imagining the creatures Eira encountered to be oversized, mutated chickens of sorts. Aha, don't mind me. I just very whacky imagination.

The characters are all very distinguishable. Maybe due to the fact they're all different species, but regardless. I find many, many stories with great plots but they lack diversity in characters. I'm honestly very glad this isn't the case here.

It takes a whole lot of imagination to write about something other than humans. I know I have issues just by giving personality to my characters :P
8/1/2010 c1 Tash Sta. Maria
Rex sounds so cute :D.

Aha, I like how you've incorporated a dinosaur into this story. I'm curious as to what it's actually all about.

I'm in awe. I haven't found a single grammatical or typo error.

Very wordy chapter, but not too drawn out either :). Nicely written!
7/29/2010 c17 24Elennar
Here from the RG!

The best part that I liked about this chapter was the action sequences, especially the way you portrayed the dinosaurs. I liked it because you handled the anatomies very well: the movements that you've depicted are very much in tune to what an animal of that shape and size would be able to execute, and you did a good job of describing them, because I could picture it very clearly.

One minor (very minor) edit that I would suggest would be with the line, "With a silvery glitter it caught the girl's attention"

It just doesn't sound right to me, and I think it'll read better if it was changed to, "The silvery glitter caught the girl's attention"
7/3/2010 c16 2Manga-Star
The last line was really well put. A little cliche maybe but i liked the tone you gave at the end of the chapter.

I also really would like to commend you on the originality of your story. I find myself very engrossed in your ideas and characters, they are very well thought out.

I didn't find much that I didn't like about this chapter, your style is very concise; descriptive yet to the point, I really appreciate it.

Good job :)
6/15/2010 c1 3eblakes93
This is for the first chapter. I love that you wrote about dinosaurs! I would never consider writing anything quite like this, nor have I ever seen a story about dinosaurs. I also quite like that you made T-Rexes the dinosaur royalty. :P

There really wasn't anything about this chapter I didn't like. Your writing is very clean cut and formal, where as I prefer the more informal; that's more of a reflection of me, not you. Well done! I'll read more later.
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