for Men & Monsters4/9/2010 c4 
4lookingwest
...Cecilie wanted to get married to a traditional man.
-What makes a man traditional? I'm not sure what that means-are there non-traditional men in this group and if so, how would marrying them be any different? Who are these non-traditional men? I feel like instead you mean that she wanted a traditional marriage to a man and wasn't resisting the traditional but instead going along with it...
"Odd." Cecilie observed.
-Edit: comma instead of a period after "odd"
"Usual Eira." The other replied...
-Edit: comma instead of period after "Eira"
"Great to see you Gundur." Iduna purred as she twirled her hair.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "Gundur"
-I think you're getting my point, no? Just make sure that if you have a speaker tag right after your dialogue, they're supposed to be together, not in two separate sentences, otherwise "Cicillie observed" becomes its own sentence, and that chops up your dialogue a lot and makes the sentence structure terse and not smooth. So just remember to watch that when working with your dialogue.
So far I'm really believing a lot of your character names because they're all sort of strange but it works really well with this setting and narrative. So I commend you for keeping them realistic for your story!
Eira cries too much, I wish she was a stronger woman character. It's a shame she has to be so upset over men, (sorry, feminist woman studies student speaking here, XD) I know a lot of this has to do with society but I wish she was more of an emotional rebel instead of doing exactly what I expected her to do judging that when I met her the first time, she was also crying.
"I know I look weak, a-and scared. I am. I am scared of others, of monsters, of men…"
-Cool title tie-in. She doesn't only look weak, she is weak though :P
"I…I trust you…more than the others." Eira felt herself shiver as her heart raced.
-And maybe not to smart either. Unless she's also a woman who comes complete with a woman's "intuition"
Sorry I'm being so mean to Eira, I always take special interest in the portrayal of central woman characters, probably too much-and even though I find her weak I think it really is a symptom of her society so in that respect it's realistic. Personally I find her hard to relate to but most girl readers probably would! I'm glad to see an odd mismatch friendship developing with Giant, the dialogue work there was cute and realistic and I like how Giant and Eira reacted to the suggestion of friendship.
4lookingwest...Cecilie wanted to get married to a traditional man.
-What makes a man traditional? I'm not sure what that means-are there non-traditional men in this group and if so, how would marrying them be any different? Who are these non-traditional men? I feel like instead you mean that she wanted a traditional marriage to a man and wasn't resisting the traditional but instead going along with it...
"Odd." Cecilie observed.
-Edit: comma instead of a period after "odd"
"Usual Eira." The other replied...
-Edit: comma instead of period after "Eira"
"Great to see you Gundur." Iduna purred as she twirled her hair.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "Gundur"
-I think you're getting my point, no? Just make sure that if you have a speaker tag right after your dialogue, they're supposed to be together, not in two separate sentences, otherwise "Cicillie observed" becomes its own sentence, and that chops up your dialogue a lot and makes the sentence structure terse and not smooth. So just remember to watch that when working with your dialogue.
So far I'm really believing a lot of your character names because they're all sort of strange but it works really well with this setting and narrative. So I commend you for keeping them realistic for your story!
Eira cries too much, I wish she was a stronger woman character. It's a shame she has to be so upset over men, (sorry, feminist woman studies student speaking here, XD) I know a lot of this has to do with society but I wish she was more of an emotional rebel instead of doing exactly what I expected her to do judging that when I met her the first time, she was also crying.
"I know I look weak, a-and scared. I am. I am scared of others, of monsters, of men…"
-Cool title tie-in. She doesn't only look weak, she is weak though :P
"I…I trust you…more than the others." Eira felt herself shiver as her heart raced.
-And maybe not to smart either. Unless she's also a woman who comes complete with a woman's "intuition"
Sorry I'm being so mean to Eira, I always take special interest in the portrayal of central woman characters, probably too much-and even though I find her weak I think it really is a symptom of her society so in that respect it's realistic. Personally I find her hard to relate to but most girl readers probably would! I'm glad to see an odd mismatch friendship developing with Giant, the dialogue work there was cute and realistic and I like how Giant and Eira reacted to the suggestion of friendship.
4/9/2010 c3 lookingwest
I like that even though you keep introducing more and more central characters throughout the first few chapters, I'm still able to follow who is who and it doesn't get too confusing. I think it's good that you focus on each character in a very full and deep beginning. The heavy descriptions right at the beginning did sort of lose my attention again though, it went on the verge of being a little info-dumpy with all the thorough intense description of setting. You caught my back with the introduction of the raptors though, I thought the dialogue really spiced things up and it was very intense too when they started arguing.
Even though it saddens me to see yet another central woman character having to be married off with some guy to keep with family and societal codes in yet another story-I still thing that it brings something good to Eira's story just because her situation is so familiar. It grounds the reader in an otherwise complete foreign fantastical setting and it gives us something that creates a more sympathetic view of her.
I liked to see all the characters kind of come full circle in the last section, and all mentioned-even Rex again. That was good as it put things in more perspective as to who rules what and who knows of each others existence.
"Wow." Taurus murmured.
-Edit: comma instead of a period after "wow"
"I'm afraid we don't have time." Hopper interrupted.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "time"
"And don't slip into Rex's land." Hopper snarled at the carnotaurs.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "land"
I like that even though you keep introducing more and more central characters throughout the first few chapters, I'm still able to follow who is who and it doesn't get too confusing. I think it's good that you focus on each character in a very full and deep beginning. The heavy descriptions right at the beginning did sort of lose my attention again though, it went on the verge of being a little info-dumpy with all the thorough intense description of setting. You caught my back with the introduction of the raptors though, I thought the dialogue really spiced things up and it was very intense too when they started arguing.
Even though it saddens me to see yet another central woman character having to be married off with some guy to keep with family and societal codes in yet another story-I still thing that it brings something good to Eira's story just because her situation is so familiar. It grounds the reader in an otherwise complete foreign fantastical setting and it gives us something that creates a more sympathetic view of her.
I liked to see all the characters kind of come full circle in the last section, and all mentioned-even Rex again. That was good as it put things in more perspective as to who rules what and who knows of each others existence.
"Wow." Taurus murmured.
-Edit: comma instead of a period after "wow"
"I'm afraid we don't have time." Hopper interrupted.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "time"
"And don't slip into Rex's land." Hopper snarled at the carnotaurs.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "land"
4/9/2010 c2 lookingwest
She had slept longer than she had anticipated, Eira thought...
-Edit: That's not really a thought, since it's in third person. I'd switch the sentence so it reads more like, "Eira had slept longer than she had anticipated..." and omit the "Eira thought"
...the Folk turned her attention...
-This was a confusing moment. I know you refer to them as 'The Green Folk' in the first paragraph, but then you don't mention it again, and then I was thinking 'is this a character name or does it mean there's a bunch of people there-then the singular 'her' doesn't make sense'. Because 'Folk' indicates a plural and means there's more than one person, I think you should just maybe say "...Eira turned..." in this sentence because you only mention them as Green Folk once.
Interesting world you've created here. I like all the different "monsters"-you continue to surprise me. I've decided that your intention with the setting must be ambiguous because the human-like Green Folk don't seem like something I've ever learned about prehistoric humans, so I'm thinking that we're not necessarily in prehistoric times, but instead in just another world where all of these creatures co-exist, some from our reality and others that are more fantastical, like the Coffin Spawn.
You tend to bury your action in dense paragraphs and that detracts some of the action and intensity from the situation. I think perhaps using shorter paragraphs and sentences when Eira is panicking might create more tension, but that's just more of an opinion of writing style.
Oh, so all of these creatures speak the same language? I like it but it threw me off guard a little, XD, but I like your accent work on the lizard because it was somewhat comical too but it also added to your dialogue so it was kept realistic in a fun way. I think you managed to do a fine job with the conversational dialogue.
She had slept longer than she had anticipated, Eira thought...
-Edit: That's not really a thought, since it's in third person. I'd switch the sentence so it reads more like, "Eira had slept longer than she had anticipated..." and omit the "Eira thought"
...the Folk turned her attention...
-This was a confusing moment. I know you refer to them as 'The Green Folk' in the first paragraph, but then you don't mention it again, and then I was thinking 'is this a character name or does it mean there's a bunch of people there-then the singular 'her' doesn't make sense'. Because 'Folk' indicates a plural and means there's more than one person, I think you should just maybe say "...Eira turned..." in this sentence because you only mention them as Green Folk once.
Interesting world you've created here. I like all the different "monsters"-you continue to surprise me. I've decided that your intention with the setting must be ambiguous because the human-like Green Folk don't seem like something I've ever learned about prehistoric humans, so I'm thinking that we're not necessarily in prehistoric times, but instead in just another world where all of these creatures co-exist, some from our reality and others that are more fantastical, like the Coffin Spawn.
You tend to bury your action in dense paragraphs and that detracts some of the action and intensity from the situation. I think perhaps using shorter paragraphs and sentences when Eira is panicking might create more tension, but that's just more of an opinion of writing style.
Oh, so all of these creatures speak the same language? I like it but it threw me off guard a little, XD, but I like your accent work on the lizard because it was somewhat comical too but it also added to your dialogue so it was kept realistic in a fun way. I think you managed to do a fine job with the conversational dialogue.
4/9/2010 c1 lookingwest
Nice description in the opening, but it didn't really capture me on first read, the descriptions make it so the reader really has to ease into the story, but that's not necessarily bad. You did drop little hints about the parents' and such, so that was good to raise curiosity, and I did like some of the descriptions like the "pitter pat of rain"-there were some great images there.
"Shh!"
-Edit: It's grammatically improper to use more than one exclamation point when writing prose, so if you want to be taken seriously, I'd use just one. The only instance where it would be suitable to use more than one is if this was a comic book or a manga, but I'm thinking that's not your intention. So just remember to keep it simple with one exclamation mark per exclamation :)
Wow, interesting concept with having the story being told through a dinosaur-I definitley am taken back to The Land Before Time! Very creative approach to tell a story, I like it a lot because it's something much more different than what I usually read. But-Rex? Really? I feel like there could be a more creative name than a tyrannosaur dinosaur named Rex, have fun with it!
Do tyrannosaur rex's usually travel in family packs? I feel like everything I've ever seen depicting them has always had them as solitary predators, unless they're mating of course. I would hope you've done all your right and in depth research though, but I just noticed your challenging a lot of my own perceptions of the dinosaurs...
What the young T. Rex
-Edit: I'd spell it out...
"Be on high alert then." The king replied.
-Edit: needs a comma instead of a period after 'then'
-And is the king Rex's father? You changed his name-I'd keep him as 'father', because you don't mention anything about this and then you just switch his parents to 'king' and 'queen'. Perhaps a better indication to stay consistent with speaker tags would be "The king, his father, said..." or something along those lines so we still know that Rex's parents are involved and it doesn't seem like an odd character shift.
"A beast like you belongs in the grassland." The king said.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "grassland"
"A unique path." The queen hummed. "And a dangerous one at that."
-Edit: commas instead of periods after "path" and "hummed"
After the conversation with the acro it gets a little dense. I found my mind wandering due to the large paragraphs. I'd suggest maybe splitting some of them in two.
"Loki? Loki?" A voice accompanying the metal noise cried out in the distance.
-A creature named after a Biblical angel in the prehistoric era? ...hm, I can't tell if you did this on purpose or not. Is this supposed to mean that the "men" humans who inhabit this land are angels or part of the Adam and Eve creation story somehow? Or did you just pick this name? If the throwback to the Bible isn't intentional, I'd consider changing it just because it really looks out of place for the time and setting.
"As do I." The king replied.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "I" and un-cap "The"
Nice description in the opening, but it didn't really capture me on first read, the descriptions make it so the reader really has to ease into the story, but that's not necessarily bad. You did drop little hints about the parents' and such, so that was good to raise curiosity, and I did like some of the descriptions like the "pitter pat of rain"-there were some great images there.
"Shh!"
-Edit: It's grammatically improper to use more than one exclamation point when writing prose, so if you want to be taken seriously, I'd use just one. The only instance where it would be suitable to use more than one is if this was a comic book or a manga, but I'm thinking that's not your intention. So just remember to keep it simple with one exclamation mark per exclamation :)
Wow, interesting concept with having the story being told through a dinosaur-I definitley am taken back to The Land Before Time! Very creative approach to tell a story, I like it a lot because it's something much more different than what I usually read. But-Rex? Really? I feel like there could be a more creative name than a tyrannosaur dinosaur named Rex, have fun with it!
Do tyrannosaur rex's usually travel in family packs? I feel like everything I've ever seen depicting them has always had them as solitary predators, unless they're mating of course. I would hope you've done all your right and in depth research though, but I just noticed your challenging a lot of my own perceptions of the dinosaurs...
What the young T. Rex
-Edit: I'd spell it out...
"Be on high alert then." The king replied.
-Edit: needs a comma instead of a period after 'then'
-And is the king Rex's father? You changed his name-I'd keep him as 'father', because you don't mention anything about this and then you just switch his parents to 'king' and 'queen'. Perhaps a better indication to stay consistent with speaker tags would be "The king, his father, said..." or something along those lines so we still know that Rex's parents are involved and it doesn't seem like an odd character shift.
"A beast like you belongs in the grassland." The king said.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "grassland"
"A unique path." The queen hummed. "And a dangerous one at that."
-Edit: commas instead of periods after "path" and "hummed"
After the conversation with the acro it gets a little dense. I found my mind wandering due to the large paragraphs. I'd suggest maybe splitting some of them in two.
"Loki? Loki?" A voice accompanying the metal noise cried out in the distance.
-A creature named after a Biblical angel in the prehistoric era? ...hm, I can't tell if you did this on purpose or not. Is this supposed to mean that the "men" humans who inhabit this land are angels or part of the Adam and Eve creation story somehow? Or did you just pick this name? If the throwback to the Bible isn't intentional, I'd consider changing it just because it really looks out of place for the time and setting.
"As do I." The king replied.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "I" and un-cap "The"
4/6/2010 c6 11J. D. Bennett
I REALLY like how you described the mask of the armor as having "two thin slits that allowed humanity to seep out." It gives the impression that though the armor is quite intimidating and even cruel and barbaric, the man inside it is not.
Unexpected twist in the plot...I'm curious as to why it's not safe for Eira to meet Sir James, and why she has to hide. And Princess Susan surely is an interesting character. She's kind, and looks out for Eira, but she seems quite shallow, with how she judges the maids. I suppose it's understandable, though, for someone with an upbringing such as hers.
Good chapter, I can't wait to read more of this story!
11J. D. BennettI REALLY like how you described the mask of the armor as having "two thin slits that allowed humanity to seep out." It gives the impression that though the armor is quite intimidating and even cruel and barbaric, the man inside it is not.
Unexpected twist in the plot...I'm curious as to why it's not safe for Eira to meet Sir James, and why she has to hide. And Princess Susan surely is an interesting character. She's kind, and looks out for Eira, but she seems quite shallow, with how she judges the maids. I suppose it's understandable, though, for someone with an upbringing such as hers.
Good chapter, I can't wait to read more of this story!
3/24/2010 c5 J. D. Bennett
The description of Swipe was a little random, but I'm glad you put that in. Made it easier to picture what the dinosaur looks like, because frankly, I don't know much about dinosaurs haha.
"Eira awoke to a cool morning air. It seemed to slither into her robe and cause her to shiver with a quick gasp." I like that description a lot. You personified the air, only you made it seem more snakelike than human by saying that it slithered. That's really cool.
There are a lot of characters. It's hard to keep them straight. Maybe slow down on the character making? At least for the dinosaurs.
I really like this story. It's very different, and in a good way. I wonder if it will end with the extinction of the dinosaurs, because there is already an overlap of existence of the dinosaurs and the humans. Keep up the excellent work!
The description of Swipe was a little random, but I'm glad you put that in. Made it easier to picture what the dinosaur looks like, because frankly, I don't know much about dinosaurs haha.
"Eira awoke to a cool morning air. It seemed to slither into her robe and cause her to shiver with a quick gasp." I like that description a lot. You personified the air, only you made it seem more snakelike than human by saying that it slithered. That's really cool.
There are a lot of characters. It's hard to keep them straight. Maybe slow down on the character making? At least for the dinosaurs.
I really like this story. It's very different, and in a good way. I wonder if it will end with the extinction of the dinosaurs, because there is already an overlap of existence of the dinosaurs and the humans. Keep up the excellent work!
3/24/2010 c4 J. D. Bennett
"Altogether four of them sat huddled together, two friends and a boy." Do you mean "two girls and a boy" plus Eira?
I like Eira's group of friends. Both Iduna and Cecilie seem more into guys than Eira is. Or at least, more interested in finding a husband. Eira seems to want to take her time, which is understandable. I like how the bonfire is kind of like an awkward courting kind of thing, like a school dance. You didn't describe the male friend, though.
I like Giant's character the most. He's kind, yet mysterious.
Great chapter! On to the next...
"Altogether four of them sat huddled together, two friends and a boy." Do you mean "two girls and a boy" plus Eira?
I like Eira's group of friends. Both Iduna and Cecilie seem more into guys than Eira is. Or at least, more interested in finding a husband. Eira seems to want to take her time, which is understandable. I like how the bonfire is kind of like an awkward courting kind of thing, like a school dance. You didn't describe the male friend, though.
I like Giant's character the most. He's kind, yet mysterious.
Great chapter! On to the next...
3/18/2010 c1 6JessicaBlodge
I love your style of writing. Good job, keep up the good work. I admit I was surprised when I realized that Rex was a dinosaur, but I was inspired as well. Interesting, well written, and gripping all the same-
6JessicaBlodgeI love your style of writing. Good job, keep up the good work. I admit I was surprised when I realized that Rex was a dinosaur, but I was inspired as well. Interesting, well written, and gripping all the same-
3/13/2010 c3 11J. D. Bennett
(Hey, sorry it took so long to review...life has been crazy lately and unfortunately the pen is no substitute for the real world)
I love the intro to this chapter. It made me smile. I picture a dinosaur just chillin in the grass, enjoying the day. Cool image.
And I love the word "otherworldly." I don't actually think it's a word, but I think it's super cool when writers use their poetic liscence and make up random words and use them like they're fact.
"being uncomfortably close together but unable to do anything about it," - this phrase is slightly awkward I think, but I have no suggestions. Otherwise I really like your descriptions. There was almost a bit too much description of the herbovores at the beginning, but nothing to complain about.
I love Swipe's character. His dialect reminds me of Bert from Mary Poppins. Thorn's sarcasm is great.
I'm curious as to why only the very elderly and young unmarried men live on the ground, where they could be subject to dinosaur's prey. Is it because they're less valued in the Green Folk society? Or is there supposed to be a distinct separation between the young men and young women until marriage?
Anyway, great chapter! I look forward to reading more. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up soon but for now I have to stop here. Keep up the great work!
11J. D. Bennett(Hey, sorry it took so long to review...life has been crazy lately and unfortunately the pen is no substitute for the real world)
I love the intro to this chapter. It made me smile. I picture a dinosaur just chillin in the grass, enjoying the day. Cool image.
And I love the word "otherworldly." I don't actually think it's a word, but I think it's super cool when writers use their poetic liscence and make up random words and use them like they're fact.
"being uncomfortably close together but unable to do anything about it," - this phrase is slightly awkward I think, but I have no suggestions. Otherwise I really like your descriptions. There was almost a bit too much description of the herbovores at the beginning, but nothing to complain about.
I love Swipe's character. His dialect reminds me of Bert from Mary Poppins. Thorn's sarcasm is great.
I'm curious as to why only the very elderly and young unmarried men live on the ground, where they could be subject to dinosaur's prey. Is it because they're less valued in the Green Folk society? Or is there supposed to be a distinct separation between the young men and young women until marriage?
Anyway, great chapter! I look forward to reading more. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up soon but for now I have to stop here. Keep up the great work!
3/10/2010 c1 3AlexxJunder
Okay first off, toward the end with the confrontation between Rex and that creature, I really couldn't tell what it was. Could be I wasn't paying enough attention or what, but that's my dislike. My like is your choice in animal, or rather your story on animals in particular. It's different than what I've been reading, and somewhat of a nice change of pace. Keep up the good work.
3AlexxJunderOkay first off, toward the end with the confrontation between Rex and that creature, I really couldn't tell what it was. Could be I wasn't paying enough attention or what, but that's my dislike. My like is your choice in animal, or rather your story on animals in particular. It's different than what I've been reading, and somewhat of a nice change of pace. Keep up the good work.
2/17/2010 c4 Lurchy
A shocking lack of blood and guts in this chapter, please don't get caught up in her emotions for the whole story. LOL, I love the story so far, good grammer and everything. Please keep writeing!
A shocking lack of blood and guts in this chapter, please don't get caught up in her emotions for the whole story. LOL, I love the story so far, good grammer and everything. Please keep writeing!
2/14/2010 c3 Anise Cary
I like the image of the stegosaurus as protector of the weaker and smaller herbivores. This parallels very well with the T-rexes seeing themselves as a security force. Each group has their own thoughts as to who they are and who the others are.
Thanks to his eyesight, Thorn could make out a few of the long-necked brachiosaurs speaking to one another. Odd, he thought, usually such dinosaurs kept to themselves. - I never thought about dinosaurs as being loners or group mates unless told they were by specific literature. I like that Thorn does know who would be talking and who wouldn't, that's the sign of a good predator, one more likely to stay alive,
Then again, he never had met a brachiosaur he didn’t like. They always tended to be cool, charismatic creatures that inspired awe and commanded respect with their size. - I like that the second sentence here didn't go as I expected. I figured Thorn would say he'd never met one he didn't like, as a meal that is. I enjoy the fact that a carnivore could be in awe of an herbivore.
I really like the personalities you've given to the dinosaurs. I enjoy seeing into their minds, seeing how they interpret the world around them.
Excellent ending, makes me eager to read the next chapter that bit of foreshadowing does.
I like the image of the stegosaurus as protector of the weaker and smaller herbivores. This parallels very well with the T-rexes seeing themselves as a security force. Each group has their own thoughts as to who they are and who the others are.
Thanks to his eyesight, Thorn could make out a few of the long-necked brachiosaurs speaking to one another. Odd, he thought, usually such dinosaurs kept to themselves. - I never thought about dinosaurs as being loners or group mates unless told they were by specific literature. I like that Thorn does know who would be talking and who wouldn't, that's the sign of a good predator, one more likely to stay alive,
Then again, he never had met a brachiosaur he didn’t like. They always tended to be cool, charismatic creatures that inspired awe and commanded respect with their size. - I like that the second sentence here didn't go as I expected. I figured Thorn would say he'd never met one he didn't like, as a meal that is. I enjoy the fact that a carnivore could be in awe of an herbivore.
I really like the personalities you've given to the dinosaurs. I enjoy seeing into their minds, seeing how they interpret the world around them.
Excellent ending, makes me eager to read the next chapter that bit of foreshadowing does.
2/14/2010 c2 Anise Cary
Thank you. I like that you answered my question from the last chapter about the caped and hooded creatures right off the bat. When I have to wait too long for an answer I tend to lost interest.
She simply wished it wasn’t the one beast of her nightmares. As her eyes became sodden with tears, she inched down the path. Please, she pleaded to a god, a goddess, anyone really, begging them not to unleash the beast of her worst fears in this fog. - I really like this, it builds the suspense, and makes me wonder what the beast is she's fearing.
I was almost breathless as Eira ran down the bath, and gasped when she fell. Excellent descriptions in this piece.
Thank you for making the raptors feathered. I hate when people write about creatures and are not up on the current research and findings.
I really like that the girl can communicate with the dinosaurs. Oh the questions I'd ask if I could do that.
another great chapter.
Thank you. I like that you answered my question from the last chapter about the caped and hooded creatures right off the bat. When I have to wait too long for an answer I tend to lost interest.
She simply wished it wasn’t the one beast of her nightmares. As her eyes became sodden with tears, she inched down the path. Please, she pleaded to a god, a goddess, anyone really, begging them not to unleash the beast of her worst fears in this fog. - I really like this, it builds the suspense, and makes me wonder what the beast is she's fearing.
I was almost breathless as Eira ran down the bath, and gasped when she fell. Excellent descriptions in this piece.
Thank you for making the raptors feathered. I hate when people write about creatures and are not up on the current research and findings.
I really like that the girl can communicate with the dinosaurs. Oh the questions I'd ask if I could do that.
another great chapter.