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2/28/2010 c1 67moongazer7
Now, I am confused, what's the connection between adam and the church, perhaps you could explain that. but otherwise, the story is great!
2/10/2010 c11 2roulette rouge
Now, action's not usually my forte (I'm a romance writer, so I guess that makes me the majority), but this is all right. I will be honest and say I'm not very interested in it BECAUSE it's not my genre and yes, I'll admit, I'm close-minded. But, the writing is good, there's limited grammatical errors and from what I can tell it's character-focused in regards to plot. I like that, in the opening, you have them fighting (this IS an action fic; it'd be strange to have them attending a tea party with plastic biscuits and stuffed pink bears as the guests, wouldn't it?) amongst each other and discussing the methods of the times. It gives a reader a bit of an idea what kind of era they live in and also that there's also a plot of some kind that they're developing, someone they're scheming against. The names are interesting to say the least, but I suppose that it is, again, part of their characters, makes them different or perhaps even characterizes the characters themselves (if you didn't notice that little insinuation there, just in case, I'll tell you upfront that you might want to give your people a little more personality. I was kind of losing track of who was who, even if you gave me names to go by). As for grammar, like I said before, minor errors that can use a little skimming over or, if you're a self-proclaimed hater of all things grammar, a beta reader.

The premise seems pretty interesting and the ending was a bit ambiguous, which I'm a sucker for honestly.

All in all, a pretty good piece. Just mind your characterization and you'll do fine!

...patchwork halo
2/8/2010 c1 5Sparkling Sploosh
I like Adam - it seems like you know everything about this character and you know his purpose. I think I really understand what he is about, or at least I am starting to.

On the other hand I didn't like the next scene because I didn't understand it. In my mind it seemed like the priest had come back to life in a way and killed his killers? This confused me along with the inhuman creature - was this one of the four 'killers' or someone new? Be sure to keep your writing clear. I also had to read some parts over in this scene.

Overall I like your type of writing and you did a good job! Keep it up!
2/6/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
Grammar/Spelling - Overall, nicely done, but ever time you typed "he'd" it was written "he d". Maybe it'd just a technical probably but you might want to look into it.

"Strangling against his bindings, he felt the cold weight of despair grow in his stomach."

-Did you mean "struggling"?

Plot - I think the second half served to engage me into the story more than the first. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to know about the MC, but the second half was more action-y and grabbed my interest. Maybe mingle the first half into the moving storyline?

Writing - I think the style you used fit well with the action hero idea. A lot of the things you wrote about reminded me of classic comic book heroes. For a medium seldom seen in purely written form, you did a nice job with this. :)

Pace - Your writing doesn't lag at all. I love how you know when to stretch out the good parts and shorten the more monotone ones. You kept me interested. Good job with this!

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