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for The Nature of My Game

2/11/2010 c1 dreamshell
Well, this was pretty cool. For the most part, you get across quite a bit of world-specific info without derailing the pacing. The dynamic/banter between the Errynt twins was fun, if a bit superficial (likely due to being a shorter piece). The details of Rezan's estate were well-done and helped paint a pretty vivid picture. At first, I thought the sudden change from the Varian and Errynt names was an oversight until I realized exactly what was going on—they were using aliases. And by the end, I'm definitely left wanting more (in a good way). ;)

In terms of criticism, a few things that stuck out to me;

—The bit with Doral seems to set things up and then just disappear, so you could probably stand to incorporate it more (maybe bring him back up again at the end as the twins are fleeing the manor?) or drop it altogether in favor of an alternate opener.

—Though fun to read/learn about, some of the novelties (fausts, neurovox, IC, etc.) were presented in an overly technical light that sort of distracted from the story's otherwise smooth flow and engaging narrative. However, I don't have a ready solution for this, save maybe being a bit more veiled in how you debut them. I know it's tough when you've got the impulse to make it clear what X and Y is, but want to avoid sloppy "As you know, Bob" type dialogue, but I bet you can manage.

—The ending is a bit abrupt, and didn't provide any real sense of threat to the twins beyond the initial confession forced out of Andrew by Rezan. I would have enjoyed a little more struggle, both in- and externally.
2/5/2010 c1 1Charel Henc
Wait...what does 'neurovox' mean?

This story is AWESOME so far. I can't wait for more ^^ I love the villain :O

and and and...can you please do me a tiny favour look at my story and tell me whatcha think? ^^
1/28/2010 c1 JaveHarron
A nice piece of short fiction set in one of my favorite universes. Some more description of the action and blows would work (namely types and where they're going), but I did like your villain and set up.

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