for The chronic insomniac, hypnagogia2/6/2010 c1 Palm Tree
Your research shows very strongly in this piece and it definitely has me curious. I like the narrative that you used since it really captured the seriousness of the issue. Adding to that, you had some really beautiful descriptions here, and now that I think about it, I'm wondering more and more about the person enduring all this. It sounds pretty nightmarish, to be honest. XD;
I do have a few suggestions, though, like I would put the note about Wikipedia at the very end or very beginning of the chapter rather than right in the middle. I also think that a lot of the information shared could be more incorporated into the story itself rather than sectioned off like a textbook.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. I'm not sure where the story will go, or if it will even be continued which I hope it will, but I'd definitely like to see where you take it. 83
Your research shows very strongly in this piece and it definitely has me curious. I like the narrative that you used since it really captured the seriousness of the issue. Adding to that, you had some really beautiful descriptions here, and now that I think about it, I'm wondering more and more about the person enduring all this. It sounds pretty nightmarish, to be honest. XD;
I do have a few suggestions, though, like I would put the note about Wikipedia at the very end or very beginning of the chapter rather than right in the middle. I also think that a lot of the information shared could be more incorporated into the story itself rather than sectioned off like a textbook.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. I'm not sure where the story will go, or if it will even be continued which I hope it will, but I'd definitely like to see where you take it. 83
2/4/2010 c1 
6The Saturday Storytellers
Ooh, this is an interesting and unusual subject for a story. I don't mind a spot of horror, I'm happy to get stuck into this one. Shame there's only one chapter so far. But here we go:
Nice introduction with the Shakespearean quote and then a few comments from you, too. I like the presentation.
Perhaps some of the medical description - The Tetris Effect and the specific effects of the Sleep Paralysis could be a bit clearer. At the moment they seem a bit abstract. However, I appreciate that sleep / consciousness / perception related illnesses may be hard to put into words. Some drugs are like that. If you've ever read of someone trying to describe an Acid trip you'll see it there, too.
Anyway, your story.
Perhaps you could add to this chapter a bit more description of where you are, in a wider context than 'in your bed'. Are you on a ward or in your parents' house, or in your own home? It'd just give me, personally, a fuller sense of your world.
"I lost, and I coward." Did you mean 'cowered', by any chance? Just a small spelling issue :)
I feel that this chapter ends a bit abruptly. The serotonin reference looks more like it should be up with the medical description. Either that or that final part of the chapter needs a bit more added to it
to make it finish a bit more smoothly. Not that your experience is a smooth ride, of course. I see that you suffer a great deal with this, but I still feel the final part needs either to be moved or added to.
- Please pay back via Academy, or failing that Shamanics.
- From the Roadhouse.
6The Saturday StorytellersOoh, this is an interesting and unusual subject for a story. I don't mind a spot of horror, I'm happy to get stuck into this one. Shame there's only one chapter so far. But here we go:
Nice introduction with the Shakespearean quote and then a few comments from you, too. I like the presentation.
Perhaps some of the medical description - The Tetris Effect and the specific effects of the Sleep Paralysis could be a bit clearer. At the moment they seem a bit abstract. However, I appreciate that sleep / consciousness / perception related illnesses may be hard to put into words. Some drugs are like that. If you've ever read of someone trying to describe an Acid trip you'll see it there, too.
Anyway, your story.
Perhaps you could add to this chapter a bit more description of where you are, in a wider context than 'in your bed'. Are you on a ward or in your parents' house, or in your own home? It'd just give me, personally, a fuller sense of your world.
"I lost, and I coward." Did you mean 'cowered', by any chance? Just a small spelling issue :)
I feel that this chapter ends a bit abruptly. The serotonin reference looks more like it should be up with the medical description. Either that or that final part of the chapter needs a bit more added to it
to make it finish a bit more smoothly. Not that your experience is a smooth ride, of course. I see that you suffer a great deal with this, but I still feel the final part needs either to be moved or added to.
- Please pay back via Academy, or failing that Shamanics.
- From the Roadhouse.
1/30/2010 c1 MAYBExsomeday
So, I'm guessing here that this was like your prologue? It's interesting, definately grabbing the attention, but I would have liked to have seen mroe into the story in this with the background of it. It also reads like a story, but sounds slightly too formal in the symptoms section, as if taken from wikipedia. I'm looking forward to more though!
So, I'm guessing here that this was like your prologue? It's interesting, definately grabbing the attention, but I would have liked to have seen mroe into the story in this with the background of it. It also reads like a story, but sounds slightly too formal in the symptoms section, as if taken from wikipedia. I'm looking forward to more though!