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for Lightning Strikes Twice

2/6/2010 c1 48Michael Panush
This was okay, and I thought some of the action and a few descriptions were very good. I noticed maybe three or four metaphors being used, and I think some of them were great. I think it would be best if you used a lot more though, particulary to describe people and the action. The characters all seemed interesting, though their dialogue could have used work. Just calling the bad guys 'asshole' and throwing in the occasional swear word isn't very memorable or cool. They seemed a little one-dimensional and silly too. Kimura was the resident psychopath that every squad has, and the girl talking about Vikings seemed kind of out of place. The villains also weren't particulary well defined, and you had to rely on the narrator's words to see how evil they were. There wasn't too much excitement in the actual mission too. I wish the fight was longer and less one-sided. The part where the evil reverend shot the narrator in the back was good, but he recovered pretty easily, and then defeated the villain without trouble. Finally, I did notice a few gramatical and spelling errorsm and some sentences and descriptions were kind of awkward. Another round of editing could have helped. I did like the ending bit though. I thought that was some good and creative vengeance.

Overall, I can see you're trying to break away from the problems that infected Stranger Aeons, but some of them still remain. Keep working on making well-defined villains, writing that is memorable and fun to read, unique characters that don't sound so much like adolescent military daydreams (like the Viking Warrior Woman), and battles that are exciting with high stakes that aren't so one-sided, and you'll be doing much better.

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