for Manifestations4/9/2010 c1 
26Wren's Diatribe
Very cool, I think it would be so much stronger if you left out the "well, it sounds like you don't need mine so why dont you leave and let me alone every time i see you it rips me apart inside well thats a cliche"
maybe try starting with
"Imprints is all you've left behind
why don't you leave
because I need to stop these-"
the rest of the poem is really strong, good images, emotions.
Also, try carrying those emotions and re-writing the line "those eyes dragged me in and then left me alone" I can know what you mean and I can feel what you mean, right now I only know. I want to have to chew it before I swallow it.
Seriously, I'd be very interested to see you play with this more. It is very good.
26Wren's DiatribeVery cool, I think it would be so much stronger if you left out the "well, it sounds like you don't need mine so why dont you leave and let me alone every time i see you it rips me apart inside well thats a cliche"
maybe try starting with
"Imprints is all you've left behind
why don't you leave
because I need to stop these-"
the rest of the poem is really strong, good images, emotions.
Also, try carrying those emotions and re-writing the line "those eyes dragged me in and then left me alone" I can know what you mean and I can feel what you mean, right now I only know. I want to have to chew it before I swallow it.
Seriously, I'd be very interested to see you play with this more. It is very good.
2/7/2010 c1 Anise Cary
this is powerful for being such a short piece, I can hear and feel the anger, someone has been done very wrong. I like the italics setting apart let me alone, as well as the repetition in the final line.
this is powerful for being such a short piece, I can hear and feel the anger, someone has been done very wrong. I like the italics setting apart let me alone, as well as the repetition in the final line.