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for Awake

7/3/2010 c4 11HiddenFromYou
I really like the tone of this piece and the way you've written it. You've put forth three very gripping chapters at the beginning, hooking me in and making me want to read more.

The sudden change of pace in the fourth chapter took me by surprise though. I mean, you've had three chapters full of action, and then you suddenly slow down, and start to paint a picture of normal life. I think you could afford to let the pace drop slightly, as you've got three fast chapters before hand, but I think you could have eased into the change slightly better.

I also found Sally's reaction to telling Carter the news of the deaths quite strange. She seems happy about it, almost like she's a sadist?
4/4/2010 c4 48Emily Marie
Sally needs a bit more description that isn't cliche. But good chapter. I'm still hooked. MORE!
4/1/2010 c3 Emily Marie
I'm really enjoying this story. You have such an imagination that is refreshing to find! Good start.
3/6/2010 c1 4lookingwest
...asked the blood covered body next to her.

-That's an extremely powerful opening, it really caught my attention!

The mother lowered her hand and pushed herself into a sitting position. She reeled back her fist and smashed it into her daughter's face.

- D: Oh no!

"No, you're not a monster. You're a Psychic. A powerful one at that. Your mother ignored our pleas for you to get proper care and restraint. You're not the monster. She is."

-Since this prolouge is really fast paced, I kind of thought this explanation came on a little too quickly. I would suggest if you ever find time to go back and expand on this prolouge. You could maybe take the girl to the police station or something and have a man come in and tell her this information instead of right on the scene, it sort of built up to the climax and came to falling action a little fast.

Overall though, this was a very powerful opening and I think at first it really messes with the reader's mind on who to believe and what's right. I haven't read a prolouge this strong in awhile, so it was definitley a treat.
3/5/2010 c3 99Dreamers-Requiem
Another good chapter. I like the fact that so far, each chapter introduces different characters - I'm guessing they're going to be connected soon? Also, I'm assuming that Scott maybe works for Awake? If so, maybe they're not the good guys they were made out to be in the first prologue? A lot of questions here, which is always a good thing early on. The only thing I'd suggest is that you maybe keep an eye out for the tense you're using - you switch between present and past tense in one paragraph, and that can make it sound a little weird.
3/4/2010 c2 Dreamers-Requiem
Another interesting prologue - I like how we're seeing these characters as they start to realise their powers, and the scene with Albert and the bullies was well done and well handled. Nice work.
3/3/2010 c3 lyla fo fyla
Hello from the RG :)

You had me interested from the beginning, I ended up reading all three chapters.

My main beef with this is that you introduce a lot of characters with out really connecting them. I thought maybe Emma and Albert would both be mentioned in chapter one, but instead Carter and Scott are the subjects. You have me asking questions about all of these characters and when I'm expecting them to come back, you introduce new ones. It's just a bit off putting for me is all.

I like the way you write, it's very easy to read. I don't find myself reading the same sentence over and over trying to get its meaning. It's very refreshing.

I think you meant for this to be, but Scott annoys me. All that lip licking. I'm not sure if you want him to be liked or not.

I'll definitely be watching for updates.

3/3/2010 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
An interesting prologue - does well to draw the reader in, and question what's really happening. Poor Emma, I felt really bad for her. You left enough unanswered to make me curious too. The only thing I will say is the mother's speech seems a little forced, unnatural, especially the last bit. Other than that, it's quite good.
2/18/2010 c2 27Ember Eyed Girl
I liked this story, very well written, detailed, and presumptuosly concise. I really don't have any major corrections. I look forward to reading more.
2/17/2010 c1 8Kobra Kid
Aww, that was so sad! :
2/16/2010 c2 3Skinny.Pig
Haven't read a story yet with two prologues, but it was great. Nothing much of the characters themselves have been revealed, but I like how you gave brief insights into their pasts first. I'm really curious to see the character's lives unfold from here.

The one thing I was confused on is the setting. I first I thought it was futuristic, but the second prologue suggested a 'secret society in the present' sort of plot, like MIB.
2/16/2010 c1 6ephemeral dance
Here from the Roadhouse!

Good little prologue here. I like that you don't shy away from pretty disturbing stuff, such as the mother actually hitting her daughter, etc. Even if the child is a "monster," it can be a little chilling to read something like that. But I like the sense of carnage and disaster around her and the reader not knowing what's going on.

The end of the chapter is perfect, gripping, and makes the read want more! Great job!

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