3/4/2010 c1 J.L. Morrison
Grammatically I think your story's well-written - you can obviously write a good piece and your style with the dialogue is great.

My main problem is Drew. And because this is in first person and we see all of her inner thoughts (which I usually think is a good thing) I'm further irritated by her character because of her voice.

The first half of the chapter was incredibly descriptive and you've worked too hard into trying to introduce Drew and tell us what she's like, when really I think the chapter would have benefited from showing us what Drew's like with her actions in school. Sure, we get to that bit towards the second half but I felt as if I'd already been told all I needed to know: Drew's some self-proclaimed badass.

I realise that it's supposed to be a sarcastic tone but it only comes across as pompous. Is Drew supposed to act as if she's superior to everybody else? Is it a problem that some people actually don't have self-esteem and it's not always the 'wimpy' heroine?

I know that there are 'badasses' in school but from the many I've met, interacted with and sometimes befriended, they've always had justifications and are reasonable. Drew just seems like she'll sneer at anybody who isn't cocky like her. It's perfectly fine to have a MC who isn't the shy dork or the quirky newbie - I think that's a good idea, actually. But we should be able to empathise with the MC and become connected to him/her on some kind of emotional level. With Drew being so superior and snobby it's incredibly hard to do, and anything bad that could potentially happen to her in future storylines might not have the desired 'sympathy' effect.

So to summarise the writing style in terms of grammar isn't awful - but the pretentiousness of the MC (especially in her long-winded speech about how 'this isn't your typical high school') frustrated the hell out of me. I've read stories with antiheroes for protagonists and when done well, they can be enthralling. With Drew, she makes what is a well-written piece very unbearable to read.

She is everything the piece is trying so hard to go against.

"Name ten people you know that have actually lived out a proper high school cliché."

So Drew's against cliches.

Then she goes and rounds off a list of stereotypical cliques and classifies even her friends into these groups. Even the librarian is the typical grumpy sod behind a desk. The nerd's got a stereotypical appearance with the glasses, the stammer and whatnot.

It's all too contradictory and the conscious effort to be ironic, witty and funny is too off-putting.

2/11/2010 c1 13blurrylights
This story seems to have potential. Drew is interesting, and the plot line seems like it will be going somewhere.

However, I think you're trying WAY to hard to make it seem not-cliche, and that's making the story a bit too...tacky and juvenile. Drew is too bitchy and obnoxious and it seems VERY unrealistic. No one really acts like that in life.

Also, the beginning was so...self indulgent. Drew came off as a total pompous ass in a bad way. You want your reader to respect and somewhat appreciate the MC. If anything, i was irritated from the start.

-“Look kid, this isn’t your typical high school. Yes, we have all the stereotypical cliques, but there’s more to it; the popular kids are way more than stupid and mean, the jocks are tricky, conniving and planning, the nerds are dangerous and girls like me live on the edge of it all, leading the anti-social behaviour and have their constant battle with the jocks and nerds, who actually have an alliance.”-

Honestly, that piece of dialog irritated the hell out of me. There is not ONE place on Earth like that. And it was written so...obnoxiously. The girl was fishing for attention and trying to seem badass. To make her seem really badass, you would have written something like:

"Look kid, this isn't your typical high school. Yes, we have all the stereotypes, but," she leaned back in her chair and smirked, "things are a bit different here."

You make Drew seem like a total poser. A real bad girl wouldn't act or talk like that.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but you have so much potential, and you're not really benefiting from that. All the grammar mistakes you have are easily fixable by getting a beta, and the plot will improve with time I'm sure.

I'm curious to see what you come up, and how your next update goes. Keep up the good work. :)

2/11/2010 c1 MidnightRythm1990
haha this is awesome. I love Drew. She's freaking awesome

2/10/2010 c1 7Serafina Claremond
This was pretty amusing and totally worth not doing my homework. XD

I can't wait to read more.

"You turn my floppy disk into a hard drive." LOL.

"Turns out his locker are next to mine". The 'are' should be 'is'. Singular vs. Plural and all that.

-Serafina

2/10/2010 c1 6A Kiss in the Dreamhouse
Very interesting characters! 'Clark Kent' is probably not what he seems like at first...