for Mind Tricks3/20/2010 c1 
1JaffaFoose
“Probably has a lovely wife, three adorable children, a beautiful house, and a cute little puppy to seal the deal.”
This line is great. Very early on, and already Owen is a character which is filled with tension.
“My broken leg, the bruises decorating my face, the puffy lips, and the marks on my neck; all gracious little gifts from Elliot, and all the things I didn't want to discuss.”
Another solid line.
… Actually, I can’t find a weak one in the whole bunch. This is very well written. You’ve managed to convey a lot of things in such a short opening. We’ve got a tip-of-the-iceberg glance at Owen’s pain, we’ve got his tension, we’ve got his uncertainty, we’ve got at least some small trace of his history, and we’ve also got a taste of his love for Ryan. Very smooth character development, and you’re setting an excellent pace.
I’m personally not a huge fan of the ending. I don’t usually like “It all started back when…” type cliffhangers. I suppose there’s nothing really wrong with it; I just think the technique is a tool for building cheap suspense.
But, overall, I really like this so far. Keep it up!
1JaffaFoose“Probably has a lovely wife, three adorable children, a beautiful house, and a cute little puppy to seal the deal.”
This line is great. Very early on, and already Owen is a character which is filled with tension.
“My broken leg, the bruises decorating my face, the puffy lips, and the marks on my neck; all gracious little gifts from Elliot, and all the things I didn't want to discuss.”
Another solid line.
… Actually, I can’t find a weak one in the whole bunch. This is very well written. You’ve managed to convey a lot of things in such a short opening. We’ve got a tip-of-the-iceberg glance at Owen’s pain, we’ve got his tension, we’ve got his uncertainty, we’ve got at least some small trace of his history, and we’ve also got a taste of his love for Ryan. Very smooth character development, and you’re setting an excellent pace.
I’m personally not a huge fan of the ending. I don’t usually like “It all started back when…” type cliffhangers. I suppose there’s nothing really wrong with it; I just think the technique is a tool for building cheap suspense.
But, overall, I really like this so far. Keep it up!
2/18/2010 c1 Guest
I like stories that start with dialogue, I like the feeling that I'm drawn right into the story.
My broken leg, the bruises decorating my face, the puffy lips, and the marks on my neck; all gracious little gifts from Elliot, and all the things I didn't want to discuss. Maybe I should just lie like usual, but I can't. Not anymore. - This is a powerful line. I like that I can feel the tension in Owen having made the decision to tell the truth but still feeling uncertain.
Even with this short introduction to the piece I can really feel the relationship between Owen and Conan.
The last line of the prologue is great, it definitely makes me want to read further. Great start to your story.
I like stories that start with dialogue, I like the feeling that I'm drawn right into the story.
My broken leg, the bruises decorating my face, the puffy lips, and the marks on my neck; all gracious little gifts from Elliot, and all the things I didn't want to discuss. Maybe I should just lie like usual, but I can't. Not anymore. - This is a powerful line. I like that I can feel the tension in Owen having made the decision to tell the truth but still feeling uncertain.
Even with this short introduction to the piece I can really feel the relationship between Owen and Conan.
The last line of the prologue is great, it definitely makes me want to read further. Great start to your story.