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6/19/2010 c1 10Vroooommmmmm
hmm..nice piece of work...nice vocab...concept is good...chapter is short tho and there are some errors..the chap needs polishing...

Better not make the first sentence so long. A story should have an effective blend of short and long sentences..most of ur sentences are long...urs is a distinct writing style which i actually liked but then u cud consider using punctuations...they are powerful...

Then there is a typo..it shud be he wasnt having a good day...then shud be replaced by than..and this was his favorite spot...avoid using too many conjunctions as possible...atleast sounds awkward with this sentence..

also please use prepositions...a good write-up is an effective blend of all the fundamental elements of grammar...you need to know which element shud be used where...letting the light pink flowers surround him on the crunchy brown grass no one tried to keep green...try using which in this sentence..you have got good descriptions there but it shud be formed properly...edit ur chapter for these type of mistakes every now and then...if u cant find it after u write, come after a day and then check out...it will help you a lot...you got a good concept...these small errors can be costly..be careful..

again the second paragraph, punctuation problem...do not start a para by a long sentence..keep it medium...no more mind the...replace the by than..you got some typos to correct too. The last sentence does not sound good..edit..Third para, punctuation problem, do not overlook such things, they are what that creates effect..

overall a nice chapter..keep writing..just polish ur work and work on ur grammar..

Varun ~Roadhouse, Gossip Forum

PS Can you please payback via my story Bhargava or Hashims, whichever you deem fit to review

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