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3/21/2010 c1 12Lilac Star
lolz. i like the ending! this makes me think of 'Jennifer's Body', which is one of my more favorite movies nowadays. great job! can't wait to read more from you!
3/2/2010 c1 3moon maiden of time
I APPROVE. Jeez, if we could do that for Valentine's Day...Naw. You switched tenses half-way through but other than that, I can't see anything wrong. I DIG THIS SO MUCH.
2/28/2010 c1 10taerkitty
Summary: I've been on other sites where the story listing includes disclaimers and listing of possibly objectionable parts to the story. FP only gives us 255 characters, so that may be a poor use of space. Between the categorizing and the explanation of how this story came into being, there's only a single sentence that doesn't tell a whole lot about the story. It does make a play on the word, but puns are hit-and-miss.

Author's Note: Same as with 'Heroism': I'd rather not know what the story is about, and, while I am interested in why someone chooses to write, I'd rather first be able to read what I'm here to read. In most novels, the author's bio is in the back. Only for large novels (and usually famous authors, so they already have the readers' goodwill) do we see prefaces and forewords that go into such details.

Opening: Hm. The opening probably doesn't work for me. This strikes me as a 'the tables are turned' story. We are introduced to a guy, and he's trolling for a girl. The summary describes the girl, and gives away that she is not 'normal.' The title further builds on this, which gives the reader too much a feeling that s/he knows this story. While the author may plan to 'turn it around' (again, similar to was was presented in Heroism), at this one instant after reading the opening sentence, this reader feels as though the plot of the story is laid out for all, and may feel let down. Unsure, it's just one person speaking.

"[Y]eah, of course[,] babe." Should be capitalized, and a comma after "of course."

Good job making him distasteful. There's a place for 'tell,' and this works it well - the litany of crimes (of the heart) he committed to sate his passion makes me look forward to him getting his.

I'm not sure I'd use the ellipsis after the word 'connection.' It ends the thought, at least for him. She may let it drag, hoping that he'll fill in the blank, but, for him, the mocking of her hope they shared something like that feels like it's the end of any thought he wishes to spare on her.

The 'mating dance' in the club is a nice unravelling of so many other 'slow, heated stares of passion' and such. Just a, "I'm leaving. Follow if you want."

"Hey[,] baby."

"'I don't want sex,' the girl [says] quietly." We shift to present tense here. I can't see a reason in this story why this is deliberate. It disrupts my reading, because I realize it a little later, then have to read back to see where the shift occured in case I missed something. I want the story to 'carry me away,' without little distractions like this.

Ending: Glad to see the lothario getting what he's long deserved. "Having a girl like me to dinner" doesn't work. Perhaps, "joining me for dinner"? It doesn't play on the 'having' but that idiom usually implies a place, such as home. "I'm having you over for dinner" works because the idiom is "having (someone) over" as a synonym for "inviting (someone) over."

"Eaten him and left him to die" might work better if there was some description of the wound (from his perspective, of course), or how he tries to cover it but fails, etc. Popular fiction usually depicts vampires as fairly neat eaters, leaving two tiny puncture marks, and not spilling precious blood.

Overall: Nicely done. Moves quickly. I'm of mixed mind whether or not it helped my reading experience to know so much about the story just from the summary and title. I think I would have liked it better if I hadn't, if I just met the guy, read how much of a jerk he is, and then his come-uppance.

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