for Can You Fight Yourself And Win?3/27/2011 c1 QuietTimeChocolates
Interesting. I tried to win a fight with myself. I lost.
Interesting. I tried to win a fight with myself. I lost.
3/12/2010 c1 
1KRHolbrook
Hello.
Saw this in the "Just In" section and the title caught my attention, so I decided to give it a read. I like what you've written. Especially the ending. Just because you've lost one battle with yourself doesn't mean you'll lose the next time.
I'll go ahead and offer a bit of advice on bits and pieces I caught, if you don't care.
~
*I am nothing but glass, a façade, the cover...
- To me, the comma after "façade" would be better off changed to a semicolon.
*I always wanted to be praised...
- The flow is jarred from the "wanted" in this sentence. Every other time so far it's been present tense, but this abruptly changes it to past. I don't see why it needs to past tense. "Want" would work perfectly here.
*I'm at a loss for words for my pride, which is strong, has been stung.
- I had to reread this more than a few times to actually get what you meant here. Maybe try something like this: I'm at a loss for words, for my pride-which is strong-has been stung.
I added in a comma after "words" because without it, it sounded as if you meant you were at a loss of words for your pride itself. And in thinking that, the additional "has been stung" on the end didn't make a lick of sense. The em dash is to separate the "which is strong" from the rest of the sentence as somewhat of an important afterthought.
*for now.
- Not sure why "for" isn't capitalized here. Would be better.
~
Nicely written! So nice, I've decided to add it to my favorites. Hope I've helped you a bit in the critique. :)
- K.R.Holbrook
1KRHolbrookHello.
Saw this in the "Just In" section and the title caught my attention, so I decided to give it a read. I like what you've written. Especially the ending. Just because you've lost one battle with yourself doesn't mean you'll lose the next time.
I'll go ahead and offer a bit of advice on bits and pieces I caught, if you don't care.
~
*I am nothing but glass, a façade, the cover...
- To me, the comma after "façade" would be better off changed to a semicolon.
*I always wanted to be praised...
- The flow is jarred from the "wanted" in this sentence. Every other time so far it's been present tense, but this abruptly changes it to past. I don't see why it needs to past tense. "Want" would work perfectly here.
*I'm at a loss for words for my pride, which is strong, has been stung.
- I had to reread this more than a few times to actually get what you meant here. Maybe try something like this: I'm at a loss for words, for my pride-which is strong-has been stung.
I added in a comma after "words" because without it, it sounded as if you meant you were at a loss of words for your pride itself. And in thinking that, the additional "has been stung" on the end didn't make a lick of sense. The em dash is to separate the "which is strong" from the rest of the sentence as somewhat of an important afterthought.
*for now.
- Not sure why "for" isn't capitalized here. Would be better.
~
Nicely written! So nice, I've decided to add it to my favorites. Hope I've helped you a bit in the critique. :)
- K.R.Holbrook