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for Can You Fight Yourself And Win?

3/27/2011 c1 QuietTimeChocolates
Interesting. I tried to win a fight with myself. I lost.
3/22/2011 c1 81knownkonvict
this could turn into an amazing poem, not that this isn't great already
3/13/2010 c1 7Fedorachild
Awesome-sauce! I like this one :)
3/12/2010 c1 1KRHolbrook

Saw this in the "Just In" section and the title caught my attention, so I decided to give it a read. I like what you've written. Especially the ending. Just because you've lost one battle with yourself doesn't mean you'll lose the next time.

I'll go ahead and offer a bit of advice on bits and pieces I caught, if you don't care.


*I am nothing but glass, a façade, the cover...

- To me, the comma after "façade" would be better off changed to a semicolon.

*I always wanted to be praised...

- The flow is jarred from the "wanted" in this sentence. Every other time so far it's been present tense, but this abruptly changes it to past. I don't see why it needs to past tense. "Want" would work perfectly here.

*I'm at a loss for words for my pride, which is strong, has been stung.

- I had to reread this more than a few times to actually get what you meant here. Maybe try something like this: I'm at a loss for words, for my pride-which is strong-has been stung.

I added in a comma after "words" because without it, it sounded as if you meant you were at a loss of words for your pride itself. And in thinking that, the additional "has been stung" on the end didn't make a lick of sense. The em dash is to separate the "which is strong" from the rest of the sentence as somewhat of an important afterthought.

*for now.

- Not sure why "for" isn't capitalized here. Would be better.


Nicely written! So nice, I've decided to add it to my favorites. Hope I've helped you a bit in the critique. :)

- K.R.Holbrook

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