for Because He Loved Me6/10/2010 c1 XPainfullyXobviousX
Ok first things first; do not get offended I am only trying to help.
1. The way you explain your main characters actions are choppy and quick. In some places they don’t even make sense “Lindsey quickly hopped into the shower and redid her makeup” she got in the shower to do her makeup? While I know that’s not what you’re trying to say that is how it reads. You have to be careful of things like that.
2. Your descriptions are lacking, use your 5 senses to beef things up a bit. How did the shower feel? What kind of clothes did she pick out? What color are her eyes? Her hair? None of that stuff was mentioned.
3. When your introducing a new character be sure to take your time describing them. What do they look like? What’s there back story? In what way do they relate to other characters in the story?
4. Keep it realistic, how in the world does someone just move to LA and magically become and editor for a super awesome fashion mag. It just doesn’t happen that way.
That’s all for now, I hope you continue to work on your writing because practice makes perfect.
~PO~
Ok first things first; do not get offended I am only trying to help.
1. The way you explain your main characters actions are choppy and quick. In some places they don’t even make sense “Lindsey quickly hopped into the shower and redid her makeup” she got in the shower to do her makeup? While I know that’s not what you’re trying to say that is how it reads. You have to be careful of things like that.
2. Your descriptions are lacking, use your 5 senses to beef things up a bit. How did the shower feel? What kind of clothes did she pick out? What color are her eyes? Her hair? None of that stuff was mentioned.
3. When your introducing a new character be sure to take your time describing them. What do they look like? What’s there back story? In what way do they relate to other characters in the story?
4. Keep it realistic, how in the world does someone just move to LA and magically become and editor for a super awesome fashion mag. It just doesn’t happen that way.
That’s all for now, I hope you continue to work on your writing because practice makes perfect.
~PO~
6/2/2010 c8 Your local anti-hero
Nice! I still think Deane killed Josh and he's just lying but we'll see what happens next!
Nice! I still think Deane killed Josh and he's just lying but we'll see what happens next!
3/23/2010 c5 Your local anti-hero
I'm so happy =D I really like her, I'm glad she isn't one of those women who just stick with the abuse but does something about it, although it will be tricky since he has alot of money. Can't wait for the next chapter!
I'm so happy =D I really like her, I'm glad she isn't one of those women who just stick with the abuse but does something about it, although it will be tricky since he has alot of money. Can't wait for the next chapter!
3/23/2010 c5 
41chewychester
OMG, you are moving in with your boyfriend. No wonder you are writing this. lol
41chewychesterOMG, you are moving in with your boyfriend. No wonder you are writing this. lol
3/23/2010 c5 just.the.kid
I think this story has a lot of potential, but it stillneeds some work here and there. It'd be nice if you described Lins' or Deane's feelings a bit more , for instance: "He could feel the rush in his veins as he took slow steps towards her, the fright in her eyes evident as she backed away only to feel a wall behind her as he came closer, barely in control of his rage asking her "Where were you?"" Just an example =)...I'd love to read more of your story, just try to make it more detailed and I think a lot more people would enjoy reading it as much as I do!
Hope you'll update soon!
the kid
I think this story has a lot of potential, but it stillneeds some work here and there. It'd be nice if you described Lins' or Deane's feelings a bit more , for instance: "He could feel the rush in his veins as he took slow steps towards her, the fright in her eyes evident as she backed away only to feel a wall behind her as he came closer, barely in control of his rage asking her "Where were you?"" Just an example =)...I'd love to read more of your story, just try to make it more detailed and I think a lot more people would enjoy reading it as much as I do!
Hope you'll update soon!
the kid
3/19/2010 c4 people.are.strange
Wow this story has picked up and I'm really enjoying it. I can't wait for more.
Wow this story has picked up and I'm really enjoying it. I can't wait for more.
3/19/2010 c4 Your local anti-hero
Ahh I take back what I said lol ...I think she should go with Josh or atleast that's what i would do.
Ahh I take back what I said lol ...I think she should go with Josh or atleast that's what i would do.
3/19/2010 c4 41chewychester
She should have left and left so much earlier. I'm surprised after he hit her that she confronted him again. The dialog wsa good. A real page turner.
41chewychesterShe should have left and left so much earlier. I'm surprised after he hit her that she confronted him again. The dialog wsa good. A real page turner.
3/17/2010 c2 Your local anti-hero
Yayy an update =D Haha I know this sounds werid but i would totally date a guy like deane!
Yayy an update =D Haha I know this sounds werid but i would totally date a guy like deane!