for Clemëdri12/19/2012 c2 
76The Autumn Queen
I don't like the beginning of this chapter too much; there seems to be more telling than showing expected, and I thought that was a good opportunity to show a little more about the character and the setting by employing a little more indirect imagery and subtlety. [Clemëdri had been moved] - I think, in the context, that would make more sense as "Clemëdri, since then, had been moved". I also think there are some places, notably the large paragraphs that beginning with dialogue, that could benefit from paragraph breaks. I think the balance between directness and subtlety gets better as the chapter progresses though, and my favourite bit is the description of the clearing because the words used to describe it give it a sense of subtle beauty, like the sensation of standing in the shade with the sun tickling you still.
76The Autumn QueenI don't like the beginning of this chapter too much; there seems to be more telling than showing expected, and I thought that was a good opportunity to show a little more about the character and the setting by employing a little more indirect imagery and subtlety. [Clemëdri had been moved] - I think, in the context, that would make more sense as "Clemëdri, since then, had been moved". I also think there are some places, notably the large paragraphs that beginning with dialogue, that could benefit from paragraph breaks. I think the balance between directness and subtlety gets better as the chapter progresses though, and my favourite bit is the description of the clearing because the words used to describe it give it a sense of subtle beauty, like the sensation of standing in the shade with the sun tickling you still.
8/25/2012 c1 The Autumn Queen
I like your beginning. While you’ve brought in a mythical creature, you’ve immediately set it into its element, giving us little details we can associate with other literatures (like Lord of the Rings :)) while making it seem natural, like this elf could be a part of our everyday lives that has just come into the spotlight. Clever writing there.
[A strange creature squeaked] – to be honest, I don’t like the “squeaked” there because it feels too specific. Perhaps a more general term like “cried” would add an element of mystery to it. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but this is a forest and so it’s expected that they’ll be unknown things (from the reader’s POV) lurking about.
[I am a dragon. My name is Clemëdri. Who are you, elf?] I’d suggest breaking that up with the speaker tags instead of having it in one block. The actual tag gets a little lost by the end.
[She had heard of them, of course, who hadn't?] – at second comma should probably be a semicolon or a fullstop.
Ooh, dragon /fur/. I always read about scales but this sounds really lovely.
All in all, nice beginning. I hope I’ll catch this fic on the games again soon. :) If not, I'll continue after I finish that other fic.
I like your beginning. While you’ve brought in a mythical creature, you’ve immediately set it into its element, giving us little details we can associate with other literatures (like Lord of the Rings :)) while making it seem natural, like this elf could be a part of our everyday lives that has just come into the spotlight. Clever writing there.
[A strange creature squeaked] – to be honest, I don’t like the “squeaked” there because it feels too specific. Perhaps a more general term like “cried” would add an element of mystery to it. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but this is a forest and so it’s expected that they’ll be unknown things (from the reader’s POV) lurking about.
[I am a dragon. My name is Clemëdri. Who are you, elf?] I’d suggest breaking that up with the speaker tags instead of having it in one block. The actual tag gets a little lost by the end.
[She had heard of them, of course, who hadn't?] – at second comma should probably be a semicolon or a fullstop.
Ooh, dragon /fur/. I always read about scales but this sounds really lovely.
All in all, nice beginning. I hope I’ll catch this fic on the games again soon. :) If not, I'll continue after I finish that other fic.
8/19/2012 c1 5Dr. Self Destruct
It's nice to see a story where the dragons aren't the villains, because I've noticed quite an influx of that lately, and this is different and refreshing. Reminds me more of the fantasy I used to read when I was younger. I also liked the description of the dragon, especially how it had fur, because it's not very often I see dragons that have fur somewhere on their bodies, and I was able to picture the dragon very easily throughout the chapter. I would have liked a little more exposition before the end of the chapter, however. Not that there's anything wrong with short chapters, but this felt a little short and lacking in the end.
["I am…I am Kefla, daughter of Ziri," the elf moved back a pace.]
Since this is an action tag instead of a speaker tag, after 'Ziri' there needs to be a period instead of a comma and 'the' should be capitalized.
[But they were extinct, killed off in the years of battle between the elves and the humans, a race that was jealous of the elves for their long life and beauty, as they lived short lives]
Style: Suggest removing the 'as they lived short lives' at the end because it's already implied from the humans being jealous of the elves' longevity.
[for you did not want to be caught out of Karis at nightfall.]
Style: Suggest making the 'you' into 'one.' Since this is being told in third person, it's usually best to avoid 'you' unless there are characters talking to each other, as 'you' is a means of addressing the reader directly. It just didn't seem to fit here with the tone of the rest of the chapter.
5Dr. Self DestructIt's nice to see a story where the dragons aren't the villains, because I've noticed quite an influx of that lately, and this is different and refreshing. Reminds me more of the fantasy I used to read when I was younger. I also liked the description of the dragon, especially how it had fur, because it's not very often I see dragons that have fur somewhere on their bodies, and I was able to picture the dragon very easily throughout the chapter. I would have liked a little more exposition before the end of the chapter, however. Not that there's anything wrong with short chapters, but this felt a little short and lacking in the end.
["I am…I am Kefla, daughter of Ziri," the elf moved back a pace.]
Since this is an action tag instead of a speaker tag, after 'Ziri' there needs to be a period instead of a comma and 'the' should be capitalized.
[But they were extinct, killed off in the years of battle between the elves and the humans, a race that was jealous of the elves for their long life and beauty, as they lived short lives]
Style: Suggest removing the 'as they lived short lives' at the end because it's already implied from the humans being jealous of the elves' longevity.
[for you did not want to be caught out of Karis at nightfall.]
Style: Suggest making the 'you' into 'one.' Since this is being told in third person, it's usually best to avoid 'you' unless there are characters talking to each other, as 'you' is a means of addressing the reader directly. It just didn't seem to fit here with the tone of the rest of the chapter.
8/18/2012 c5 76yWrite
I like your designs for the characters. Never heard of a furry dragon before. Sounds interesting.
The story has a good pace and good suspense, and I quickly became involved in it. I'm curious about how Antuir and his family will interact now that he is a Demon Hunter.
Hope you'll continue soon.
76yWriteI like your designs for the characters. Never heard of a furry dragon before. Sounds interesting.
The story has a good pace and good suspense, and I quickly became involved in it. I'm curious about how Antuir and his family will interact now that he is a Demon Hunter.
Hope you'll continue soon.
4/23/2010 c1 1Born-of-Water
It looks like it's headed in a good direction! Can't wait to see where you take it! :D
1Born-of-WaterIt looks like it's headed in a good direction! Can't wait to see where you take it! :D