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for Zelione: The Illusionary

5/27/2011 c3 1miragex
Hi, here to return review!

Ch 1: I like the way you portrayed Anya's hatred towards Fondore…hating every single thing about him…that's really bone-deep!

Only little point: I believe it's just me but I personally felt the sentence "And then another followed by the thud of a shocked body hitting the hard ground and the turning of a father's head towards a wall which protected an heir." Sounded a little convoluted…other than this, though, I found this chapter great at introducing the setting of the story!(ie Anya's past)

Ch2: Totally love the part:

"What happened, Anya? What happened to the girl who didn't care what was appropriate or inappropriate to our parents, to everyone?"

"She grew up."

It really brought out the melancholy(well that would be an understatement…) of Anya's situation.

Ch 3: So…Soland's Fondore's son…if Soland's not evil then I really sympathise with him lolx, seeing that Fondore's the antagonist in this story. (Though wonders how come Anya's unaware of Soland's birth given how popular he is?)

A little unsure abt the age distribution and what line of fashion do they actually follow (the magic gave it a rather medieval feel, the uniform quite WWI/WWII but the tux very modern) lolx will appreciate if you can PM me or sth! Thx!

Hmm…I'm not exactly a fan of "lone-survivor-saves-the-day" kind of story, but hopefully this one will change my opinion!

Hope it's useful?

~miragex, Roadhouse
5/26/2011 c11 larafrancesca
So so so good, I can't wait to learn more!

5/25/2011 c6 GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning
Oh, gosh, not another cliffhanger. XD

Can I express to you how much I loved Soland's development as a character? Oh, and the illusive Zelione (in the title) has been mentioned, at long last; so...can I ask you a question? Well, I've had this in my mind ever since I began reading the story, but is this part of a three part series, or at least a series?

Anyhow, back to Soland. Boy, the father/son dynamics in that relationship must be interesting and (as I mentioned in my last review)I think Fondore knows everything, or at least he knows enough to act sooner or later...

Oh, and I like your (Soland's) suspicion that Fondore's gone mad. I hope you'll expand on that. Maybe war does that to people?

Soooooo...ahem...onto the next chapter, sooner or later, at least until I stop procrastinating.

~ Daphne
5/25/2011 c5 GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning
Man, nice chapter. Fondore is creepy; I wonder if he knows everything and is just slowly manipulating everything to suit his needs, so he can pounce when Anya least suspects it or intimidate her into keeping quiet or something. The possibilities are endless. The suspense just makes me want to keep going and I have hate-love relationship with your cliffhangers! :D

Awesome characterisation of Sirian. He just knows Anya all too well doesn't he?

On the other hand, despite his limited screentime I'm developing a soft spot for Soland. He seems to be a decent guy (no thanks to his dad though).
5/25/2011 c4 GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning
Okay,Fondore is going to be her father-in-law; I thought in the previous chapter that Soland and Mr Fondore were merely cousins, or from the same House or something like that. Admittedly, I don't think Fondore would suspect her as much then, because obviously, Anya would have to be the blood-daughter of a respectable family in order for that to happen.

However, though, I think marrying Soland would be rather traumatic on her, because of her past, even though the guy himself doesn't seem that bad.

To other news though, there isn't really much I can criticize aobut your story. It's well written and the characterization is wonderful, as well as the description, and action, and dialogue.

~ Daphne
5/25/2011 c2 GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning
Interesting chapter! You gave such an insight into the chartacters and their intertwined pasts! Maybe you could enlarge on the cirstumances under which Jaim Jolan decided to take Anya in and how the deception was pulled off? Cause that would be very interesting...

Also with Sirian, I love your development of his character and how you played with the bad boy stereotype. It's very refreshing to see a character that way, annd of course, I suspect that Melli has a huge crush on Sirian or else she wouldn't have acted this way or be acting this way towards/about him now.

It's refrehsing to see a non-I-love-you-forever-friend who's more of an extension of the character but Melli who obviously has motives of her own.

The scenery is really lush, and I wanna see more of the bland and soldierly Soland. There's going to be a love triangle, isn't there?

5/25/2011 c1 GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning
Nice jumping back and forth between times. I didn't really catch the transition at first, but it's really subtly integrated into the story, which is a bit of a double-edged blessing.

Anyhow, I love your writing style. It's clear and concise, and you convey hatred and other conflicting emotions that Anya feels upon seeing Fondore again.

This story has a rather Russian feel to it. Maybe it's because of the names, Anya and Fondore, as well as the asssasination of the parents, the former King and Queen. It makes me think of the Bosheviks and the Anastasia movie I watched as a kid. Is this an alternate universe/alternate history? Because if it is, this is really original! I have yet to see any of those on Fictionpress.

~ Daphne
5/25/2011 c11 ninjasquirrel
Great story, can't wait to read more! Update soon please.
5/25/2011 c1 12winteredspark
I thought your writing was very clear and precise; you said exactly what you needed to say and nothing more, which is hard to do, so congratulations.

My first emotional response was rage against Fondore. By the way, loved the name. Very regency era. Anyways, I really got sucked into Anya's story, and it sets up for the perfect story.

My only critique is that, if this were my story, I might have put the prologue on the day that Anya lost her family, because by doing flashbacks I got kind of confused which time period I was currently reading.

Other than that, props to you for a wonderful start to a story I'm sure I will enjoy :)
5/25/2011 c10 larafrancesca
They have to end up together!Lara
5/24/2011 c10 hauntedtower

cliffhanger :(

its such a good novel

I CAN'T wait to read more
5/23/2011 c2 3Rosemarysgraden001
Okay review payback time

I couldnt review chapter one again because I did that before. But chapter two was interesting, it was a good start. I can see how your story is going to map out.

I liked the characters and their interactions.

5/23/2011 c1 8Jax Creation
Ok, I review as I read so there are a fair few comments at the end of this review. I'm /really/ thorough and quite nit-picky so I apologise if I come off as harsh. I'm a beta-reader for a fair few stories and editing as I read has become a (bad) habit. x_x

I loved the beginning. "Time froze." Those two words had such great impact! The sensations you went through in describing her hatred were incredible. Totally awesome descriptions there. ^_^

I have to admit, it does kind of remind me of Anastasia as well. xD Even the sick little brother is there. But it has originality so that's ok. =P

I really liked the tension slowly built throughout the chapter and you revealed her past bit by bit ending with the revelation that she was the sole survivor of the family which this Fondore is decorated for murdering.

The premise is common but unique at the same time. It has promise and I look forward to reading more!



Format: |...and that little red sun that sat tauntingly above his heart. [new line] His name was Fondore. Ten years ago he murdered her family.| - Adds emphasis and helps built tension

Format: |"She could almost hear the pattering of their feet echoing off the stone floor. [new line] "Hurry, we haven't much time!" [new line]| - to clarify that this is part of her memory and to avoid confusion.

It is unclear who is speaking in that paragraph and which parts are the past and the present. Try to make the differentiation a little clearer. For example: |The castle was desolate. An eerie silence stood where in the past children played.| In context it seems like this is still in her memory but the actual wording sounds more like a retrospective POV from the present.

Format: |...people who applauded him for it. [new line] She thought of her mother...|

Format: |...and his playful smile. [new line] "Kitten, in...|

Format: |...her father had said softly. [new line] Those last moments...|

Elaborate: |He was only nine years old but his face had aged in the past few days.| - How? Why?

Elaborate: |She waved her arm but nothing happened. | - The purpose of the gesture is unclear. I'm assuming from the rest of the paragraph that she's trying to cast a spell on Fondore or something. Is the gesture sharp and threatening? Or a futile attempt?

Format: |...Fondore said, becoming as stiff as a statue. [new line] There was a bang.|

Edit: |the turning of a father's head towards a wall which protected an heir.| - Seems odd. The beginning of the sentence describes only sounds and then suddenly you're describing movement. Perhaps start this as a new sentence? The [a]s seem unnatural as well. As opposed to [a father's] I'd say [the children's father] and instead of [a wall] I'd say [the wall].

Edit: |He pushed the wall where the entry way [once appeared].| - [Had once been]? Once appeared sounds... weird.'


Edit: |She watched [a] door open| - [the]; and maybe [saw] instead of [watched] here since you repeat watched twice in the next sentence.

Format: |...and watched how Fondore smiled. [new line] Another bang...|

Edit: |Anya forced herself back into the present, ten years later. [new line]| - The "ten years later" is redundant since you already said that her family was murdered ten years ago at the beginning and it detracts from the tension that you've been building.

Edit: |...the Delamore family [-] her family. [new line] "Ten years ago,"...|

Edit: |One man brought the Delamores to justice!" [new line] The crowd erupted [into cheers? - seems to missing something here] and Anya joined in a silent reluctance. [new line] Fondore moved towards the king, waving. The king patted him on the shoulder. [new line] "This man, this hero, defeated the Delamore family ten glorious years ago. Fondore, this ball is in honor of your great service not only to Jaet, but to your great service to the world. Ladies and gentlemen of Jaet, let the ball begin!"|


To sum up, I really enjoyed this prologue and I'm sure I'll enjoy the rest of the story (another day), it's got a great premise and your writing is of excellent quality.

Just watch your formatting and try to start new lines when you begin a new idea or change focus otherwise you end up with large chunks of text which can make it difficult to read.

Looking forward to seeing how this plays out!

~Jax C. (From the Roadhouse)
5/17/2011 c1 13the ticking clock
Interesting story...the ending was great! Awesome description, you put us right there, and submerged us in the sights, sounds and smells. Well done!
5/15/2011 c3 5thefaultinourpatronus
It's good to finally know more about Anya's past. Because of that, I think I like her. Fondore is going to be her father-in-law? Okay, wasn't expecting that one. Eager to know how they're going to handle it! And I love how you portrayed little Anya. So cute :D

x mandy
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