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for Zelione: The Illusionary

4/28/2011 c1 3Rosemarysgraden001
Returning the review!

I like the beginning and how it tells a flashback, well set in the present.I am very intrigued by the main character. I can't imagine how awful it was for the girl to lose her family so young.

4/24/2011 c1 6MeAsIAm
Reviewing as I read:

It's an interesting start. The sentence 'Time froze' seems a bit short as the rest are long in comparison, but it works as it brings out the feelings of the protagonist.

The scene they watched through the cracks reminded me of two Indian movies, which I terribly love, so I was immediately hooked. But personally I felt that the scene lacked a tinny bit of passion, but I guess that will develop along with the story. Overall, I loved it as the first chapter/prologue. Will catch up with the rest of the story soon. :)

(review returned)
4/14/2011 c9 99Dreamers-Requiem
Interesting, very interesting...So they do know who she is? I also get the impression that Katilene has a bigger role in this than I may have originally thought, is she linked to Anya's family in some way? Or can she do magic, too? So many questions. Anyway, really good chapter, as always the pace and flow worked well and there was a nice balence between dialogue and description/action. I liked the interactions between them, too. Great stuff, I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Keep it up.
4/8/2011 c9 Emmeline C. Thornbrooke
Great story! I can't find anything majorly wrong with it! Keep writing and update soon!
4/4/2011 c8 larafrancesca
Please update! You have such an amazing way of writing, although I am slightly confused. What time period does the story take place in? I had thought that it was set centures ago, but then you mention 'a light flickered on' and a ceiling light, which makes it sound not quite so long ago after all. Well a few hundred years maybe...

It's an amzing piece and I love the characters, I'll confess to hoping Anya and Sirian end up together :)

Keep writing and take care, ~Lara~
3/27/2011 c8 Dreamers-Requiem
Nice chapter - I like the way you switch between the past and the present day. Just to make sure I've got it right; are the two flashbacks are her going to Sirian's? If not, I think you need to make it clearer - at first, the first flashback was a bit confusing but I think it works once you've read the second one. I really liked the ending to that - I get the feeling that Sirian and his mother are aware of who Anya is, but are keeping her secret? The action and description worked really well, and I like the way you kept the pace up throughout that chapter. Great job, can't wait to see the next chapter.
3/12/2011 c2 5thefaultinourpatronus
Back to this after a while!

I like this so far, it's a good follow-up chapter. It has just the right balance between mystery and fantasy.

"Anya noticed his uniform. Gray and decorated with a red sun."

-Nice description!

The characters you've given us are very distinguishable and that's good. Anya's matured and it shows her as a very realistic character.

Sirian's a playboy? Verry bad. Although I do feel kind of that for him. I like how he's not cliched as the hot bad guy, so good job there.

Anyways, good job!

x mandy
2/11/2011 c7 99Dreamers-Requiem
Overall, a really good chapter; although there isn't much action, the dialogue and the way the story moves forward here more than makes up for that. I think the characters are fairly realistic, and you manage to make the interaction between them believeable, as well as showing, effectively here, the internal emotions Anya must be feeling. Soland is very interesting, and I like how he's kind of going against his father . So yeah, goodmjob.
2/3/2011 c6 Dreamers-Requiem
I can't help but wonder if she really can trust Soland, although I hope so. I liked the description of her room; it's not too much or too little, there's a nice balence. The sentence [leaving Soland to wonder not only if what his father said was true but also whether or not Fondore's suspicion had a bit of reason to it.] ends a bit awkwardly; maybe "also whether or not Fondare's suspicions had any reason to them."

[Anya wondered if Soland was trying to tell her something.] I don't like this sentence, I don't know why - maybe change it to a question - "Was he trying to tell her something?" it might have more of a pounch to it. Anyway, as always they're just suggestions. I'm really enjoying this, keep it up!
1/25/2011 c5 Dreamers-Requiem
I think I may have made this point before in a previous chapter, but you have a really good skill at leading the reader through the setting. The story doesn't get bogged down in description but there's enough there for the reader to get an image in their mind. I can't think of any crit for this chapter; it worked really well and I like the way the characters are portrayed. With Soland, part of me wants to dislike him but I feel like I can't, so great job on creating an interesting character there. Overall, a really good chapter.
1/21/2011 c4 Dreamers-Requiem
So, her parents know but aren't 100% sure? Maybe make that a bit clearer?

I liked how we got to see more of Anya's character and her thoughts here, however, I feel like you repeat a lot of things regarding her fear of Fondare and how similar Soland is to him, maybe try varying parts of it? I don't think the reader is given a clear indication of what she might do here, although to be honest that can be seen as intentional.

In regards to her family, wouldn't her asking about her actual parents raise suspicions? I just don't feel like she's trying very hard to hide her past or who she is. Just maybe make things a bit clearer in regards to things like that?
1/16/2011 c3 Dreamers-Requiem
Really good chapter - I really like the style of this, it draws you right in. The last line was written well, and I think it is, in the realm of this, quite realistic that she would blurt something like that out after finding out the pair are related. And I like the way Sirian speaks to her - it's got that tense feeling underlying it, so good job at conveying that. The explanation of her past was well done, but I'm still confused as to whether or not her parents know who she really is?
1/12/2011 c2 Dreamers-Requiem
Interesting chapter - I like the description you use here and the way the reader kind of moves through the scene with Anya - its handled quite effectively, so good job on that.

I think, however, there are a few things you need to clear up here that make it a bit confusing -

Who knows about Anya's past? Does her adoptive family know? Sirian? Melli?

Sirian's mother, was he her nanny before she was adopted or after? I thought it might have been before, because she tries to avoid him and begs he doesn't recognise her, then he sees her and later things indicate they might have know each other after...

Why does she use the same first name? It's a bit risky, isn't it?

[Anya often supposed it was Melli who told the Jolans about them out of jealousy.] for her closest friend, that seems like a pretty bitchy, petty thing to do. It just seems odd that they'd be that close after she did something like that - might it not be more realistic if the parents just noticed them together?

There were some sentences that were a bit awkward, but I think enough people have pointed them out. Like I said, the descriptions worked well and I like how the plot is slowly building up - you give the reader time to get used to the characters and get to know them before jumping straight into something, so nice work with that.
1/9/2011 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
A really interesting start; it's gripping right from the first line and with everything you've hinted at here, you've got a strong hook. I really liked it, and am eager to read on and find out more about what's happened. The suggestions I would make would be regarding the lines;

[He hadn't looked as he normally did. He was only nine years old but his face had aged in the past few days. Pale skinned, with circles under his gray eyes, he looked unhealthily thin. He walked over to the wall that faced their parents' bedroom; Anya followed him.] Maybe vary the sentence a bit, it sounds a little repetive using "he" so much. Also, I don't think you need the 'ten years later' bit in the last paragraph, as the king states "Ten years ago".

I really like the names of your characters; they stand out, and give it that sort of fantasy feel. great job.
1/7/2011 c2 Old xRayneWolfx account
This was a interesting first chapter, your story is like a old fantasy yet it feels somewhat urban in my eyes. I don't know why but it does.

Anya gives off a confusing vibe, it feels like she has grown up to quickly, which gives off a older-like feel to her. I wonder why she had to grow up so fast and who is Sirian... Keep up it :)

~Rayne wolf
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