for Zelione: The Illusionary1/6/2011 c2 
21Sercus Kaynine
"Unfortunately it was already occupied by a man who towered over a giggling blonde, a man whom she recognized."
-Comma after "unfortunately".
"She hated giggling girls especially the ones that looked like harlots."
-Comma after "girls".
"Sirian asked,"
-This comma should be a period.
"When she was younger she and Sirian would often avoid dancing by sneaking off into the courtyard's maze or by wondering about the castle."
-Comma after "younger".
"The fountain with a stone woman in the center with hands held high from which the water spilled was still visible even in the darkness; the fountain that they once fell into and ruined their best clothes."
-This sentence reads a little awkwardly. Maybe rephrase? A suggestion:
Water spilled out of the hands of the stone woman in the center of the fountain, still visible even in darkness. The fountain that they once fell into and ruined their best clothes.
"Anya noticed his uniform. Gray and decorated with a red sun."
-Ah, nice touch here.
This story is moving along fast, I see. Lots of characters presented here. By the end I had everything down, but at first I was confused with Sirian. I didn't know if he was supposed to know who she was or not, or what Anya's position was. Of course, I figured out she had an adoptive family, but before that I didn't know whether she was in hiding or not.
Speaking of which, does anyone save the Jolan's know who she really is? It seems strange for her to keep the same name and let more people know. More danger, ya know? Or maybe they just know her as a Jolan.
I'm glad you took the time to give the characters a little tint of personality and connection, especially the details with Sirian and his relationship with Anya.
Honestly, I almost feel sorry for Soland. He can't help what his family did, and he seems like a decent guy. Like, he cares, ya know? He might have the major part of my sympathy right now. XD
21Sercus Kaynine"Unfortunately it was already occupied by a man who towered over a giggling blonde, a man whom she recognized."
-Comma after "unfortunately".
"She hated giggling girls especially the ones that looked like harlots."
-Comma after "girls".
"Sirian asked,"
-This comma should be a period.
"When she was younger she and Sirian would often avoid dancing by sneaking off into the courtyard's maze or by wondering about the castle."
-Comma after "younger".
"The fountain with a stone woman in the center with hands held high from which the water spilled was still visible even in the darkness; the fountain that they once fell into and ruined their best clothes."
-This sentence reads a little awkwardly. Maybe rephrase? A suggestion:
Water spilled out of the hands of the stone woman in the center of the fountain, still visible even in darkness. The fountain that they once fell into and ruined their best clothes.
"Anya noticed his uniform. Gray and decorated with a red sun."
-Ah, nice touch here.
This story is moving along fast, I see. Lots of characters presented here. By the end I had everything down, but at first I was confused with Sirian. I didn't know if he was supposed to know who she was or not, or what Anya's position was. Of course, I figured out she had an adoptive family, but before that I didn't know whether she was in hiding or not.
Speaking of which, does anyone save the Jolan's know who she really is? It seems strange for her to keep the same name and let more people know. More danger, ya know? Or maybe they just know her as a Jolan.
I'm glad you took the time to give the characters a little tint of personality and connection, especially the details with Sirian and his relationship with Anya.
Honestly, I almost feel sorry for Soland. He can't help what his family did, and he seems like a decent guy. Like, he cares, ya know? He might have the major part of my sympathy right now. XD
1/6/2011 c1 Sercus Kaynine
"Everything about him irked her; that silver hair which fell perfectly flat on his head, those brown eyes that were like stone, and his posture which was as stiff as a statue."
-Comma after "posture".
"Old memories once suppressed overtook her."
-In the paragraph following this, you use "once" three times. Maybe vary it?
"She and her brother were pushed into a room at the end the hallway. Her family was constantly on the alert."
I think you could take out the "to be" verbs here and replace them with some more active ones to add to the intensity of this scene.
I'm usually not a fan of prologues, but the whole flashback/present thing really worked here. Especially when you related the two, like when Anya felt lingering kisses.
This was a beautifully written story. You kept the suspense up throughout, adding enough shady detail about the Delamores' fate the keep the reader on edge.
The details about the characters and the way you describe them say a lot. Very creative with the "she hated" at the beginning.
"Everything about him irked her; that silver hair which fell perfectly flat on his head, those brown eyes that were like stone, and his posture which was as stiff as a statue."
-Comma after "posture".
"Old memories once suppressed overtook her."
-In the paragraph following this, you use "once" three times. Maybe vary it?
"She and her brother were pushed into a room at the end the hallway. Her family was constantly on the alert."
I think you could take out the "to be" verbs here and replace them with some more active ones to add to the intensity of this scene.
I'm usually not a fan of prologues, but the whole flashback/present thing really worked here. Especially when you related the two, like when Anya felt lingering kisses.
This was a beautifully written story. You kept the suspense up throughout, adding enough shady detail about the Delamores' fate the keep the reader on edge.
The details about the characters and the way you describe them say a lot. Very creative with the "she hated" at the beginning.
1/6/2011 c1 16Serendipitist Swan
This reminds me of a fantasy version of Anastasia! In fact, the ending reminds me of the reaction of the Russian people when the Czar and his family were disposed of...
Besides that though, you did a great job with taking a well known plot (the last surving princess goes into hiding, sort of thing)and put your own spin on it.
The repetition of the red suns was very well done too. It stood out in a good way. Me thinks it might be symbolism?
-Swan
16Serendipitist SwanThis reminds me of a fantasy version of Anastasia! In fact, the ending reminds me of the reaction of the Russian people when the Czar and his family were disposed of...
Besides that though, you did a great job with taking a well known plot (the last surving princess goes into hiding, sort of thing)and put your own spin on it.
The repetition of the red suns was very well done too. It stood out in a good way. Me thinks it might be symbolism?
-Swan
1/6/2011 c1 9Narq
I thought that you could've made your first few sentences more catchy.
However, starting from the uniform and the good detail with the sun, I was hooked. last sentence of the para, Ten years ago(,) he murdered her family was really really good.
Old memories once suppressed overtook her. She could almost hear the pattering of their feet echoing off the stone floor. "Hurry, we haven't much time!" She remembered it perfectly. She remembered running down an endless hallway, overlooked by defeated statues of once legendary heroes. The castle was desolate. An eerie silence stood where once children played
- this was a bit tell-y. Consider taking out the first sentence, and give more focus on active, strong verbs. However, I did like the "defeated statues" "legendary heroes" part.
Oh! so was this Fondore loved for something he didn't do?
9NarqI thought that you could've made your first few sentences more catchy.
However, starting from the uniform and the good detail with the sun, I was hooked. last sentence of the para, Ten years ago(,) he murdered her family was really really good.
Old memories once suppressed overtook her. She could almost hear the pattering of their feet echoing off the stone floor. "Hurry, we haven't much time!" She remembered it perfectly. She remembered running down an endless hallway, overlooked by defeated statues of once legendary heroes. The castle was desolate. An eerie silence stood where once children played
- this was a bit tell-y. Consider taking out the first sentence, and give more focus on active, strong verbs. However, I did like the "defeated statues" "legendary heroes" part.
Oh! so was this Fondore loved for something he didn't do?
1/4/2011 c1 1Someone'sMother32
I don't normally read fantasy but I am very interested to see what is to come in the upcoming chapters. I like the way you have already brought to light an "enemy" of sorts for Anya.
You also show the love her parents had for her very well. I can't say that there is anything that would need to be looked over as this was a wonderful Prologue.
Jen
1Someone'sMother32I don't normally read fantasy but I am very interested to see what is to come in the upcoming chapters. I like the way you have already brought to light an "enemy" of sorts for Anya.
You also show the love her parents had for her very well. I can't say that there is anything that would need to be looked over as this was a wonderful Prologue.
Jen
1/4/2011 c7 2Betty-wa16
I liked this chapter a lot you give enough detail without going over-board. I hope to see you update soon because I wonder what will happen to Anya. (Anya means Mother - In Hungarian.)
2Betty-wa16I liked this chapter a lot you give enough detail without going over-board. I hope to see you update soon because I wonder what will happen to Anya. (Anya means Mother - In Hungarian.)
1/4/2011 c7 1esthaelum
Ooh, she's going to try and call it off. Well, good luck to her. I seriously doubt Soland will allow it though...
And the quiet butler..? Am I being too paranoid, or is there really something about him? He must be some kind of evil villain, waiting to pounce and massacre everyone... Okay, maybe that's a bit too dramatic... Maybe he's just quiet...
OMG. Now she has to run? That was unexpected... Well, at least Soland helped her... Okay, so maybe he wasn't as evil as I thought he could be...
Anyway, update soon!
RH~
1esthaelumOoh, she's going to try and call it off. Well, good luck to her. I seriously doubt Soland will allow it though...
And the quiet butler..? Am I being too paranoid, or is there really something about him? He must be some kind of evil villain, waiting to pounce and massacre everyone... Okay, maybe that's a bit too dramatic... Maybe he's just quiet...
OMG. Now she has to run? That was unexpected... Well, at least Soland helped her... Okay, so maybe he wasn't as evil as I thought he could be...
Anyway, update soon!
RH~
1/4/2011 c6 esthaelum
Nice description on Anya's room! I like it when people write about the surroundings, as it's so much better if you can picture where the characters are. Some authors don't pay much attention to it and just focus on the characters, and it kinda annoys me sometimes... I feel more sympathy for Anya because her only escape is her room, and I kinda get the impression that she's pretty lonely... I really do hope she manages to run away and find something better in life.
Hmm... I wouldn't trust Soland if I were her... There's just something eery about him in this chapter...
Onto the next chapter then!
RH~
Nice description on Anya's room! I like it when people write about the surroundings, as it's so much better if you can picture where the characters are. Some authors don't pay much attention to it and just focus on the characters, and it kinda annoys me sometimes... I feel more sympathy for Anya because her only escape is her room, and I kinda get the impression that she's pretty lonely... I really do hope she manages to run away and find something better in life.
Hmm... I wouldn't trust Soland if I were her... There's just something eery about him in this chapter...
Onto the next chapter then!
RH~
1/3/2011 c5 7Liya Smith
Although it seems that Sirian should be the potential match for Anya, I am beginning to like Soland. He seems interesting and is definitely not a flat character. I'm only upset because I want another update soon!
7Liya SmithAlthough it seems that Sirian should be the potential match for Anya, I am beginning to like Soland. He seems interesting and is definitely not a flat character. I'm only upset because I want another update soon!
1/2/2011 c3 Liya Smith
This is so well-written I completely forgot about the act of reviewing and went to the next chapter - I had to go back and click review. Your style really reels me in and I just want to know what will happen and I love it. Really, I do.
This is so well-written I completely forgot about the act of reviewing and went to the next chapter - I had to go back and click review. Your style really reels me in and I just want to know what will happen and I love it. Really, I do.
1/2/2011 c4 8Kobra Kid
Oh wow, no one knows who Anya really is! *mental face palm* Sorry, that completely went over my head. Probably because I've been so tired due to excessive procrastination of homework. Well, anyways, back to the review! Even though this chapter was not that climactic, it let us dig deeper into Anya's character. However, I'm confused. What is she doing? Is she running away? Or going to marry Soland?
Kobra Kid
If you do not mind, can you payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thank you!
8Kobra KidOh wow, no one knows who Anya really is! *mental face palm* Sorry, that completely went over my head. Probably because I've been so tired due to excessive procrastination of homework. Well, anyways, back to the review! Even though this chapter was not that climactic, it let us dig deeper into Anya's character. However, I'm confused. What is she doing? Is she running away? Or going to marry Soland?
Kobra Kid
If you do not mind, can you payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thank you!
1/2/2011 c2 This Account is Inactive
I really love the descriptions, it makes you feel like you're THERE. I like the part that says, "The candle lit ballroom worked wonders for disguising a lady's age and the warmth allowed them to use fans to flirt." This really gave me a good mental picture of the ballroom. You can tell that Anya still has some feelings for Sirian... At least that's what I think.
I really love the descriptions, it makes you feel like you're THERE. I like the part that says, "The candle lit ballroom worked wonders for disguising a lady's age and the warmth allowed them to use fans to flirt." This really gave me a good mental picture of the ballroom. You can tell that Anya still has some feelings for Sirian... At least that's what I think.
1/2/2011 c1 This Account is Inactive
I feel so bad for Anya. Her family, killed. And yet the world celebrates. It's interesting, it makes me wonder why they killed her family in the first place. What could they have done that would make the world celebrate their death?
I feel so bad for Anya. Her family, killed. And yet the world celebrates. It's interesting, it makes me wonder why they killed her family in the first place. What could they have done that would make the world celebrate their death?
1/2/2011 c1 7Liya Smith
Wow this was intense. Very interesting beginning. It gives the perfect amount of mystery and leaves me wanting more. Sorry for the rushed review, I just want to read more, lol!
7Liya SmithWow this was intense. Very interesting beginning. It gives the perfect amount of mystery and leaves me wanting more. Sorry for the rushed review, I just want to read more, lol!