for Zelione: The Illusionary1/2/2011 c6 
3WanderingElf
I'm not a big fan of the bad guy in this and usually I love bad guys. There is nothing really to love about this one he's just an ass.
I enjoy the detail you've used. Silvery dress, Golden walls, and how you keep the characters active. They aren't just standing there talking, they are thinking, feeling and in motion while the dialouge is going.
Sorry if this isn't the best review I'm not very good at them.
I enjoy your writing style and hope to see more.
3WanderingElfI'm not a big fan of the bad guy in this and usually I love bad guys. There is nothing really to love about this one he's just an ass.
I enjoy the detail you've used. Silvery dress, Golden walls, and how you keep the characters active. They aren't just standing there talking, they are thinking, feeling and in motion while the dialouge is going.
Sorry if this isn't the best review I'm not very good at them.
I enjoy your writing style and hope to see more.
1/2/2011 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
I like the opening, it's really emotional and I like the way you told us about Fondore and what he did; it was direct, yet really cut-egde. Nice job there. Otherwise, the imagery is great, and I actually feel for Anya. Wondering what her next plan is! (:
5thefaultinourpatronusI like the opening, it's really emotional and I like the way you told us about Fondore and what he did; it was direct, yet really cut-egde. Nice job there. Otherwise, the imagery is great, and I actually feel for Anya. Wondering what her next plan is! (:
1/1/2011 c3 8Kobra Kid
I'm starting to like Anya. She's just a scared girl inside, trying to figure out how to get out of this hellish situation. I really do hope that her and Sirian become good friends once again. He obviously knows Anya very well, and I think that she needs to tell him the truth about why she couldn't be with him. Oh God, Fondore is going to be her father-in-law? That was unexpected. Keep it up!
-Kobra Kid
8Kobra KidI'm starting to like Anya. She's just a scared girl inside, trying to figure out how to get out of this hellish situation. I really do hope that her and Sirian become good friends once again. He obviously knows Anya very well, and I think that she needs to tell him the truth about why she couldn't be with him. Oh God, Fondore is going to be her father-in-law? That was unexpected. Keep it up!
-Kobra Kid
1/1/2011 c2 Kobra Kid
I feel really bad for Sirian. I think he's judged as a bad guy based on Anya's lies. But, he could be seeing a lot of girls to get over his pain and grief of losing Anya. There's that possibility as well. As for Soland? I don't think he's a bad guy either, just a flawed one. I'm glad that you didn't make him some gorgeous bachelor also. Anya is an okay character for me right now. I feel terrible that her family got murdered and that everyone is happy about it, but I wonder why they got killed. And I don't like how she's dealing with Sirian, either. Anyways, good job!
-Kobra Kid
I feel really bad for Sirian. I think he's judged as a bad guy based on Anya's lies. But, he could be seeing a lot of girls to get over his pain and grief of losing Anya. There's that possibility as well. As for Soland? I don't think he's a bad guy either, just a flawed one. I'm glad that you didn't make him some gorgeous bachelor also. Anya is an okay character for me right now. I feel terrible that her family got murdered and that everyone is happy about it, but I wonder why they got killed. And I don't like how she's dealing with Sirian, either. Anyways, good job!
-Kobra Kid
1/1/2011 c1 Kobra Kid
Oh wow, you started off with quite the attention grabber! Wait, is Fondore young? Because if he is, then he might be attractive. But I'm getting a feeling that he isn't...oh well. Anyways, back onto the topic! I liked the opening paragraph, definitely the last sentence. It completely pulled you in! Also, the flashback to the murder was great as well. It was really emotional and well-written. But, wait. Fondore is CONGRATULATED for killing her family? What?
-Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
Oh wow, you started off with quite the attention grabber! Wait, is Fondore young? Because if he is, then he might be attractive. But I'm getting a feeling that he isn't...oh well. Anyways, back onto the topic! I liked the opening paragraph, definitely the last sentence. It completely pulled you in! Also, the flashback to the murder was great as well. It was really emotional and well-written. But, wait. Fondore is CONGRATULATED for killing her family? What?
-Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
1/1/2011 c1 1StoryMonster
Wow, i loved this one!
It was really descriptive and really well written.
Keep writing!
1StoryMonsterWow, i loved this one!
It was really descriptive and really well written.
Keep writing!
12/31/2010 c1 Old xRayneWolfx account
First off, thank you for the review for "Jester" I always screw up with the wording and tenses . but still thank you.. Now on to the reivew ^-^
I like the suspence and foreshadowing your giving off in the prologue. This "hero" needs to be banished for killing off Anya's family ... I don't know what else to say since this is a prologue, but you did a nice job :) I look foward to reading more some time. Happy new year
~Rayne wolf
First off, thank you for the review for "Jester" I always screw up with the wording and tenses . but still thank you.. Now on to the reivew ^-^
I like the suspence and foreshadowing your giving off in the prologue. This "hero" needs to be banished for killing off Anya's family ... I don't know what else to say since this is a prologue, but you did a nice job :) I look foward to reading more some time. Happy new year
~Rayne wolf
12/31/2010 c2 Wendy Thompson135th
my fiancé ~~Promised/contracted women take the feminine form: fiancée. It's the same as blond/blonde, né/née, and some other words taken from the French.
"Lenia's words echoed through her head. 'We risked our lives when we took her in, Jaim. We won't have her destroy us by being with a boy like Sirian.'" The logic of this statement depends on Lenia NOT knowing that Sirian knows who Anya really is. Why would L knowingly antagonize someone who can inform on her and her family? Who is the former nanny? Someone in Jaet or someone from A's first home? How did Sirian know A is a princess?
my fiancé ~~Promised/contracted women take the feminine form: fiancée. It's the same as blond/blonde, né/née, and some other words taken from the French.
"Lenia's words echoed through her head. 'We risked our lives when we took her in, Jaim. We won't have her destroy us by being with a boy like Sirian.'" The logic of this statement depends on Lenia NOT knowing that Sirian knows who Anya really is. Why would L knowingly antagonize someone who can inform on her and her family? Who is the former nanny? Someone in Jaet or someone from A's first home? How did Sirian know A is a princess?
12/31/2010 c5 2Betty-wa16
There is honestly no constructive critism for me to tell you 'cause your writing is spot on. You pay attention to the details enough without going overboard and the flow is good as well. :)
2Betty-wa16There is honestly no constructive critism for me to tell you 'cause your writing is spot on. You pay attention to the details enough without going overboard and the flow is good as well. :)
12/31/2010 c5 1esthaelum
I really like how you write Anya's character. I'm able to sympathise with her because you write her character and feelings so well. I know the whole arranged marriage thing is slightly overdone (hell, I even have it in my story. Bah, I'm such a shameful hypocrite) but I feel that you're doing a great job with it so far since Anya is such a good character. I like how she's not easy giving up, and she's not willing to marrying a complete stranger.
In fact, all your characters are nicely written! Fondore absolutely gets on my nerves. Gah. Snobby man.
Anyway, great chapter as always!
RH~
1esthaelumI really like how you write Anya's character. I'm able to sympathise with her because you write her character and feelings so well. I know the whole arranged marriage thing is slightly overdone (hell, I even have it in my story. Bah, I'm such a shameful hypocrite) but I feel that you're doing a great job with it so far since Anya is such a good character. I like how she's not easy giving up, and she's not willing to marrying a complete stranger.
In fact, all your characters are nicely written! Fondore absolutely gets on my nerves. Gah. Snobby man.
Anyway, great chapter as always!
RH~
12/30/2010 c2 5Whirlymerle
I find your story really intriguing. I think your writing captured the right amount of mystery and background describing, leaving readers the need to read on. I like that Sirian and Anya are not perfect, and Soland, though he is supposed to be on the "bad" team has certain gentle qualities.
Well done!
5WhirlymerleI find your story really intriguing. I think your writing captured the right amount of mystery and background describing, leaving readers the need to read on. I like that Sirian and Anya are not perfect, and Soland, though he is supposed to be on the "bad" team has certain gentle qualities.
Well done!
7/30/2010 c4 1esthaelum
This chapter was nice because it helped us get into Anya's mind and thoughts. You can tell that she's having a hard time. Hell, I would have a hard time too if I was her. Soland seems to be trying to make her feel better... it doesn't seem to be working though... I'm not sure I get what she's trying to do though. So, she's not going to marry him because she put the ring in the bin or something..?
Roadhouse~
1esthaelumThis chapter was nice because it helped us get into Anya's mind and thoughts. You can tell that she's having a hard time. Hell, I would have a hard time too if I was her. Soland seems to be trying to make her feel better... it doesn't seem to be working though... I'm not sure I get what she's trying to do though. So, she's not going to marry him because she put the ring in the bin or something..?
Roadhouse~
7/28/2010 c2 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Alright there. I'm back again. :) Okay, so basically this is an extension of the first chapter. Guess nothing much plotworthy to think about here. Anyway, I just have to say that you did a very good job on the sentence structure and grammar here. The whole thing just flowed very smoothly. However, I feel that you could have done more on the imagery aspect. The characters' description was quite well done, but what about the background? I know I'm sounding hypocritical here given that I've created the same whammy a whole lot of times before, but then again, I guess this is indeed something that you truly need to work on. And yes, I won't rebut you if you accuse me of hypocrisy. Really. -.-
Anyway, on the issue of Anya's adoption, you're creating a very vague concept here. Too vague for the reader to actually feel something for this particular event. For starters, what was the situation where she's adopted? Her age at that point of time? What about some of the things she was told and her feelings towards the entire arrangement? You don't have to spill everything in one go. I won't do that if I were you, but at the very least I believe that you could have done a certain insight into the whole thing.
Also on the part on her arranged marriage, I feel that you could have done more on her thoughts and feelings towards the other party. You mentioned the thought on him being part of her parents' murderers, but you've failed to expand upon it. Try to work on any aspects of present hatred, derision, etc for him, not just for the fact of the past, but that of the different facets of his character background and personality that the opposite sex might see in him. Not to mention her own reaction upon his absolute case of a failure in professing his love.
Also on the flashback, although I've got no problem with it since you're trying to hide something for the later plot, I actually feel that you could have used a different font format to differentiate the scenes because after all, it's being taken place that is totally different from the main scenario, hence creating an uniform font usage might throw the readers a bit back albeit they would most likely see through it at the first glance. Apart from that, nothing much to say. Sorry that this review came really late here. Got bzt with my brain on reviewing priority. x.x
P.S: Return this review via A Ranger's Tale. :)
- From The Roadhouse. :)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuAlright there. I'm back again. :) Okay, so basically this is an extension of the first chapter. Guess nothing much plotworthy to think about here. Anyway, I just have to say that you did a very good job on the sentence structure and grammar here. The whole thing just flowed very smoothly. However, I feel that you could have done more on the imagery aspect. The characters' description was quite well done, but what about the background? I know I'm sounding hypocritical here given that I've created the same whammy a whole lot of times before, but then again, I guess this is indeed something that you truly need to work on. And yes, I won't rebut you if you accuse me of hypocrisy. Really. -.-
Anyway, on the issue of Anya's adoption, you're creating a very vague concept here. Too vague for the reader to actually feel something for this particular event. For starters, what was the situation where she's adopted? Her age at that point of time? What about some of the things she was told and her feelings towards the entire arrangement? You don't have to spill everything in one go. I won't do that if I were you, but at the very least I believe that you could have done a certain insight into the whole thing.
Also on the part on her arranged marriage, I feel that you could have done more on her thoughts and feelings towards the other party. You mentioned the thought on him being part of her parents' murderers, but you've failed to expand upon it. Try to work on any aspects of present hatred, derision, etc for him, not just for the fact of the past, but that of the different facets of his character background and personality that the opposite sex might see in him. Not to mention her own reaction upon his absolute case of a failure in professing his love.
Also on the flashback, although I've got no problem with it since you're trying to hide something for the later plot, I actually feel that you could have used a different font format to differentiate the scenes because after all, it's being taken place that is totally different from the main scenario, hence creating an uniform font usage might throw the readers a bit back albeit they would most likely see through it at the first glance. Apart from that, nothing much to say. Sorry that this review came really late here. Got bzt with my brain on reviewing priority. x.x
P.S: Return this review via A Ranger's Tale. :)
- From The Roadhouse. :)
7/28/2010 c4 this wild abyss
This chapter was rather short and somewhat anticlimactic. There wasn't a definite stream of consciousness that showed the decision Anya made in regards to her future, and for the most part, I'm confused. She took of the ring, so does that mean she's going to run away? Or that she won't marry the guy? This chapter was a little unclear to me.
I do like that your writing itself is clear and easy to follow. It's only to content that I don't understand.
This chapter was rather short and somewhat anticlimactic. There wasn't a definite stream of consciousness that showed the decision Anya made in regards to her future, and for the most part, I'm confused. She took of the ring, so does that mean she's going to run away? Or that she won't marry the guy? This chapter was a little unclear to me.
I do like that your writing itself is clear and easy to follow. It's only to content that I don't understand.