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for Zelione: The Illusionary

7/28/2010 c1 xrolipolix
Oh, wow. At the beginning this sorta read like a typical fantasy story. I'll admit, though, your summary still suckered me in. The whole idea of confrontation, especially mentioned right off the bat, sounded incredibly interesting! From then on it was the way you wrote that kept me interested - it's so well done! I found myself really feeling sorry for Anya (I feel really down right now, haha...) and being drawn to the images you made. However it was that twist at the end that really got me. I mean, wow. OwO I really like how this is going! Brilliant work!
7/26/2010 c3 1esthaelum
It was nice to know more about Anya's past. Jaim and Lenia seemed like really nice people. And aaww! Anya was so adorable when she was six. I can just imagine her talking to them, whilst holding up six fingers when they asked how old she was. :3

7/24/2010 c2 esthaelum
Is Fondore looking for Anya?

Ooh. Anya's words to Sirian made me wince. Hehe. Then again, she described him as someone 'inappropriate', so I dont blame her. Then again, I didn't expect Sirian to take offense in that. Maybe he's not as bad as Anya made him seem. I liked it that she felt guilty for her harsh words.

It must be horrible to be forced to marry a person who was associated with the people who murdered your family. Poor Anya! I feel really sorry for her. I think you're doing a great job at writing about her character so far. Even though it's only the second chapter so far, I feel as if I know quite a bit about her. She's also a very life like character, she doesn't seem flat or unrealistic. Good job on that.

Aah. Sirian's a playboy. Typical *tuts*

Anyway, great chapter!
7/23/2010 c3 this wild abyss
Interesting developements. I totally didn't see the father/son relationship coming. Thanks for keeping me on my toes! It was a nice surprise, for sure. I really love the way you portray your characters. It's very true to life and realistic sounding. Very nice!
7/23/2010 c2 this wild abyss
Interesting introduction of new characters, though I must admit that I was a little disappointed when you didn't go back to the man who killed her family. Even after she escaped him, I would have thought that Anya would be constantly anxious that he might still reappear and arrest her...or something. But that's just me. Nicely done!
7/23/2010 c1 this wild abyss
Whoa, dude! This really starts off with a bang, doesn't it? Very nice. I liked how you incorporated the flashback into the scene. It was a nice technique that gave quite a bit of back story without suffocating the reader. However, I did feel that you could have added a tiny bit of the main character's emotions. After all, this guy killed her family, so I don't think she'll like him very much. You might have shown a little bit of her rage or hatred or whatever it is she's feeling towards him.
7/23/2010 c1 esthaelum
Ooh. This has romance in it? I love stories with romacne and fantasy!

I love how you started this. A girl hating some guy who, must I say, sounds very attractive (please tell me he's not really elderly because he has silver hair... young people in fantasy stories can have silver hair...). I felt really sorry for Anya. You can tell she adored her family... Fondore is mean to kill them. I was starting to like her brother...

Wait. Do the people at the end LIKE Fondore..? It seems that way...

Okay, for some reason, I'm starting to doubt that Fondore is some young, attractive dude.

Anyway, great start so far! I enjoyed reading it! I'll be back to review more in the future ;D


Repay via The Unwanted?~
7/22/2010 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there. Guess this one will be the only story I'll be reviewing for the night. It's getting like 5 plus in the morn now. -.- Anyway, I can see that you've got an interesting tale of revenge in the making here with all the possible political intrigue thrown into the picture as well. Anya seems to be an interesting character to mold in the future. However, I'm afraid that my own critique will be the order of the day here.

Basically, it's everything about Anya. For starters, while I like your decision to create a scenario of her past, you should have given her a stronger show of emotions overall. It's like what I've seen here would only be her thoughts on her own loss. Try to include the emotions card be it via a direct means or leading the whole thing thing via her thoughts. Try to make her own feelings of loss and hatred very real in such a way that the readers can relate to her. If it's possible, try to use her traumatic past as an outlet to give the readers a certain clue on her personality.

Another thing I can suggest in improving is her own views on the current system of rulership. Try to use her own experience to create a bitter and cynical view on the present state of the kingdom. And i don't mean it in terms of how the whole area is ruled. Is there any form of visible corruption from within? What about the possibility of external threats? Any real danger of a potential civil war in any way or form? In addition you can actually expand it's current state beyond into that of the common civilians both physically and mentally. Like how well they are in terms of wealth, any possible rich-poor divide, their state of mind towards the comparison between the current and previous rule, any significant differences in the policies impact wise due to the change of rulers, etc. All these could go a long way in letting the readers know more about her as a character especially since she's intended to be your main character. Apart from that, nothing much to say.

P.S: Will send you a PM on which story I hope for you to return.

Add P.S: I know I'm being too critical for a first time reviewer on your story. Sorry if I sound too mean and harsh here. I don't mean to. :(

- From The Roadhouse. :)
7/22/2010 c1 2The Jab
After reading some very awful stories in my quest to get return reviews, this prologue is incredibly refreshing. I have read stories so bad that it hurts.

I like the vivid style you've got going on here. Like you with me, I really don't have all that much advice. I love that the chapter is relatively short as nobody wants to read a long prologue.

I love the way you don't say "He shot them." or "He shot him." when Fondore shoots them. Instead, you have a description of the bang as interpreted by Anya.

I like the potential in the fact that Fondore is so deeply celebrated by Anya's surroundings. That, I can imagine, will be a deep seated source of angst for her. Don't lose hold of that. It's a great emotion to hit the reader with.

Well done,

The Jab.
7/22/2010 c2 31ByYourSide
I like that Anya's matured and has somewhat conformed to the rules of her society. It shows that she's changed as a character. It makes her very realistic.

Soland doesn't seem so awful. I can picture his uniform, though. I wonder what sort of person he really is-whether he's truly evil, or whether he's good deep down and really loves Anya.

And poor Sirian. I wonder what will become of him. Will he become a rebel? A soldier? Finally get together with Anya? So much can happen.

Good second chapter. :)
7/15/2010 c1 ByYourSide
Bleh, Fondore. That greasy man with his greasy, silver hair-his FLAT greasy silver hair. :P Seems like a villain to me.

I'm a little confused about what's happening. I assume that, ten years into the future, Anya's family has been dethroned by Fondore, who is now being regarded as a hero? Do I have that right? I hope so.

A good beginning. Fast-paced, exciting. I could see it as the opening to a movie, and for some reason it reminds me of the movie Prince of Persia.

I really wonder what Anya will do next. :)
7/1/2010 c1 futureauthor852
Nice! Really good so far, can't wait for an update! :D

6/26/2010 c1 1LoveAntiquity
I really liked it, its a shame you're not going to carry on, but its understandable that you don't have the time. If you ever do carry on I will try and read it as I love your way of writing, it definitely holds mystery. Good luck with your work, have you decided what you want to do yet?

If you were to carry on, what would happen? If you ever have the time to write a quick reply I would love to know, xlarax
3/26/2010 c1 30sophiesix
“The crowds' cheers were deafening.” I love the concept; the image. But passive voice in a first sentence? Hmm. I’m thinking an active verb would draw the reader in better? At least, it would for me. Especially seeing as the second sentence is passive too. Something like: “The crowd’s cheers deafened her?”

“Everything flooded back and she found herself thrust back in time.” I find the second clause a bit redundant, because the first but has already nicely set up the flashback?

Gosh I’m in a pruning mood tonight (sorry) “pitter patters” or just ‘patter’?

“off the stone floor of her castle.” For me, and its probably just me, I wouldn’t stopped at stone floor, because castle put me in Disneyland, and destroyed the nice sombre feeling you had going? Especially seeing as you have castle later on anyway.. although see as you have fairy elf and goblin, maybe the Disneyland castle thing isn’t so much of a bad thing?

“Every crack of lighting and boom of thunder startled them” nice I like that

“Anya touched her cheek.” Is this in the present? It’s a really sweet touch if it is, but I wasn’t sure because there was nothing much with it to say for sure? I’d love to see the contrast between her, lost in the sorrow and yearning of the flashback, surrounded by the ecstatic crowd? Just an idea.

“And where are you're children” your

“"Stay here, Anya. Stay silent," her brother said. He left her. Fondore smiled. Another bang left her world empty.” How did her brother get out of the wall? Why didn’t fondore search for her too, when he saw him appear?

I’d agree with Mizzuz Spock on the had said’s, had sneered’s, etc. you don’t need so many once its established that we are in the flashback.

I like the three ‘ten years ago’ in the kings speech, but the fourth feels too much?

Nice start: you’ve engineered a really interesting present, already dvlped a tragic backstory, and introduced two main protagonists: phew! That’s a lot of ground to cover in one short chapter, so well done!
3/21/2010 c1 14improvisationallychallenged
Okay, you definitely have my attention...

This was so sad - the tragedy was executed really well. Fondore makes an ominous villain with very little material, so good job there, and I really want to know what happens next.

It's way too short for me to offer any constructive criticism on content, and I saw no spelling or grammatical errors - all I can say is bring on the next bit :D
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