Just In
for Zelione: The Illusionary

3/21/2010 c1 22Mizzuz Spock
So far, it's interesting, and the story has a very Anastasia vibe to it. Your opening was great. (As a reader, I prefer stories that jump in on action, but don't try too hard to impress you.) "The crowds' cheers were deafining" is an excellent start.

You have a very nice writing style that lends itself to a great variation of sentences, which really helps with the reading and pace.

You also have some good imagery, such as with [that little red sun that sat tauntingly above his heart.] It's simple, but very effective in getting the picture across.

Mizzuz will now enter the Nitpick Zone:

* [...his stature was as stiff as a statue.]

Using "stature" and "statue" in the same sentence is a bit off-putting. Maybe instead say "he stood as tall and stiff as the statue they built of him in the courtyard." Or something.

* [Everything flooded back and she found herself thrust back in time.]

"Back" is used twice in the same sentence, too close together. Maybe try something along the lines of: "Old memories flooded her head and she found herself thrust back in time." It gives the same image, but eliminates the word repetition.

* There's too much "had said" going on in the flashback. The great thing about flashbacks is that the author can establish the reader is now in the past, but make it feel more "present," as it is to the character. Only use "had saids" or "had dones" in the beginning of the flashback a few times, then get rid of 'em.

Overall, not a bad first chapter. And the ending has a nice way of pulling the reader into the next chapter. Since this is under the Adventure/Romance category, I can't help but think something serious is going to go down at the ball... Hmm...

Anyways, good job so far. :]
3/21/2010 c1 6Cecilia Tourtel
It got very interesting at the very end, where they announced Fondore being a hero. It makes me wonder if Fondore knows that Anya is still alive.

The beginning kind of pulled me in. The way you described his hair was really great! The only thing about it is the last sentence is plain. "Ten years ago he murdered her family." It seems quite plain to me. I was thinking of something more catching like, "He was the same man to victoriously murder her family."

The falsh back seemed to move very fast though and it wasn't as interesting as the rest of the prologue. If I were you, I'd get rid of the flashback and recreate it throughout the story. It would create continuing evidence throughout the story the Fondore is wicked. It just seems a little cliche now Anya excapes and is the only one. It's just my opinion, but I really did like it :)
92 « Prev Page 1 .. 4 5 6 7

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service