for Schizophrinia8/11/2010 c1 Wounded-Petals
Coming from the Roadhouse
[She rocked back and forth on the sea of black bedspread, eyes clamped shut, pale spidery fingers entangled in the brown bird's nest she called hair.] This was not only an interesting beginning, but a great imagery that somehow without explaing, there's something wrong with this girl.
[Shaking her head, hot tears pouring out of each blood shot eye.] Maybe revise this sentence. It sounds bit awkward.
[The young girl rolled of her bed, almost lifelessly crawling to the window. Hazel eyes met those grey clouds… it spoke to her through it's own depression and suffering.] 'of' should be 'off' and 'it's' should be 'its'.
[Reluctantly, she looked down… her new sleeve tattoo of a dragon was… was moving.] Wouldn't that be the day, lol. If my tattoos start moving yeah I'm checking into an asylum for sure.
This was a very interesting one shot. I like how you managed to portray that she was schizophrenic in it, but in a different manner than is mostly shown on television. This could be a really strong piece if it's revised a little bit.
W-P
Coming from the Roadhouse
[She rocked back and forth on the sea of black bedspread, eyes clamped shut, pale spidery fingers entangled in the brown bird's nest she called hair.] This was not only an interesting beginning, but a great imagery that somehow without explaing, there's something wrong with this girl.
[Shaking her head, hot tears pouring out of each blood shot eye.] Maybe revise this sentence. It sounds bit awkward.
[The young girl rolled of her bed, almost lifelessly crawling to the window. Hazel eyes met those grey clouds… it spoke to her through it's own depression and suffering.] 'of' should be 'off' and 'it's' should be 'its'.
[Reluctantly, she looked down… her new sleeve tattoo of a dragon was… was moving.] Wouldn't that be the day, lol. If my tattoos start moving yeah I'm checking into an asylum for sure.
This was a very interesting one shot. I like how you managed to portray that she was schizophrenic in it, but in a different manner than is mostly shown on television. This could be a really strong piece if it's revised a little bit.
W-P
7/4/2010 c1 Old xRayneWolfx account
wow that's powerful, you did great on the emotions and showing us what Schizophrinia is. Very nice job ^-^
~Rayne
wow that's powerful, you did great on the emotions and showing us what Schizophrinia is. Very nice job ^-^
~Rayne
5/2/2010 c1 
2Dreamhearts
This was beautifully written. I love all the detail you put into it. You had me hooked as I read the first couple of lines and that is exactly what you need to do!
2DreamheartsThis was beautifully written. I love all the detail you put into it. You had me hooked as I read the first couple of lines and that is exactly what you need to do!
4/12/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
Sad and to the point. The confusion and the feelings of a schizophrenic person were well portrayed. Interesting read.
6MeAsIAmSad and to the point. The confusion and the feelings of a schizophrenic person were well portrayed. Interesting read.
3/24/2010 c1 15Akimi Kono
Oh .. this was good, but sad ... this is part of what it's like ... it's also voices telling you to do things ... (someone related to me has schizophrenia.) ... :( Sad but good.
15Akimi KonoOh .. this was good, but sad ... this is part of what it's like ... it's also voices telling you to do things ... (someone related to me has schizophrenia.) ... :( Sad but good.