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for my paper story

8/19/2010 c1 16PopMakesMeBurpy
i like your little introduction about fashion, but it seems kind of awkwardly placed there. i realize that you mention fashion a few times throughout this chapter and i think you could connect them a little bit better. i think you should make it's purpose a little bit clearer.

and there is a saying that my composition professor quoted to my class, "if you spend so much time describing the shotgun on the wall, you better have that shotgun fired by the end of the story." i find this quote useful when i write stories. it makes you focus on the important details rather than just detailing everything. why did you describe so much about your math class and not more about your other classes? is something important going to happen in your math class coming up? and why did you briefly mention your english class? why was the lady on the bus going to get off once she saw you? is your mom going to be an important character? why didn't you describe how robbie looked? just a few questions that could have been answered by select details.

one last thing, i think your story needs to have a direction. you hinted at the bottom that you might be writing aimlessly and if you are, then this is really good for being aimless. if not, then i think it would be best if you gave yourself a direction. also, it sounds like this is a memoir. if it is, then i would mention that in the little blurp.

i do like it so far. it probably doesn't sound like i do, but i do. it is actually a good sign that i wrote so much about your paper. it means that i think it has potential. now, if all i said was, "it's alright", then you would have been in trouble. haha. just keep writing. :)

~PopMakesMeBurpy

(no really, it does)

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