for All That Glitters4/5/2010 c1 
4Ghosts
It was really good. Nicely written and nicely edited.
DEPTH:
Opening: Natural, and flowed, but it didn't really catch the reader. It was a bit normal, or boring, even though the scene is a high pulse, hair raising thing. If you had gone into specific detail this would have started off very nicely.
Grammer/Spelling: Like I said, the grammar and spelling worked out nicely, and I didn't see any mistakes, so congratulations on that. It takes quite a bit of hard work, and a good eye to catch all the errors in a story like that. Pat on the back.
Flow: The story flowed nicely, and I felt like it went along well, but at one point you have three different lines that started with Lucky, and it kind of broke the flow with unintentional and unnecessary repetition. It wasn't very bad, but avoid repeating things to much, or interrupting the flow of the story.
Ending: I liked the ending to this chapter. It felt like it ended on a perfect point, and it stopped the flow of the story, and matched it perfectly. I don't know how to even describe my love for this chapters ending. It felt like if oceans eleven was a television show, or something to the like. I liked it anyways.
Overall I copngratulate you on a chapter well done, and I wish you the best of luck on future chapters! Salute!
4GhostsIt was really good. Nicely written and nicely edited.
DEPTH:
Opening: Natural, and flowed, but it didn't really catch the reader. It was a bit normal, or boring, even though the scene is a high pulse, hair raising thing. If you had gone into specific detail this would have started off very nicely.
Grammer/Spelling: Like I said, the grammar and spelling worked out nicely, and I didn't see any mistakes, so congratulations on that. It takes quite a bit of hard work, and a good eye to catch all the errors in a story like that. Pat on the back.
Flow: The story flowed nicely, and I felt like it went along well, but at one point you have three different lines that started with Lucky, and it kind of broke the flow with unintentional and unnecessary repetition. It wasn't very bad, but avoid repeating things to much, or interrupting the flow of the story.
Ending: I liked the ending to this chapter. It felt like it ended on a perfect point, and it stopped the flow of the story, and matched it perfectly. I don't know how to even describe my love for this chapters ending. It felt like if oceans eleven was a television show, or something to the like. I liked it anyways.
Overall I copngratulate you on a chapter well done, and I wish you the best of luck on future chapters! Salute!
4/5/2010 c1 2White Carnation
The idea is pretty original, not what I expected, but original in a great way. You have a great hook and your writing has voice to it. You had enough description to create imagery, and enough action to not bore us. Your characters are interesting, not dull and have personality. Your story is also very realistic. At first, I thought Lucky would be a pet! (Not your fault, just the name is all). Great Job!
P.S Sorry I didn't review sooner, I just read the post.
2White CarnationThe idea is pretty original, not what I expected, but original in a great way. You have a great hook and your writing has voice to it. You had enough description to create imagery, and enough action to not bore us. Your characters are interesting, not dull and have personality. Your story is also very realistic. At first, I thought Lucky would be a pet! (Not your fault, just the name is all). Great Job!
P.S Sorry I didn't review sooner, I just read the post.
4/5/2010 c1 5Sparkling Sploosh
I can honestly say that I have never read a plot like this before.
It hooked me from the beginning, and while it definitely was not what I was expecting I loved it.
I am curious to see what the ball brings so write fast!
Great job!
5Sparkling SplooshI can honestly say that I have never read a plot like this before.
It hooked me from the beginning, and while it definitely was not what I was expecting I loved it.
I am curious to see what the ball brings so write fast!
Great job!
4/5/2010 c1 cookiewolf
Aww poor family=(
But some people are actually so stupid they just leave their stuff hanging out their bags and pockets=LL
I think this is a great start to the story and I can feel trouble coming later on hehe
Please update soon=))
Aww poor family=(
But some people are actually so stupid they just leave their stuff hanging out their bags and pockets=LL
I think this is a great start to the story and I can feel trouble coming later on hehe
Please update soon=))
4/2/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
Interesting read. Intriguing, even.Some things were really good like - But really, he was a thief just like the rest of us. Jamie, Lucky and Teddy well well portrayed and so was Vi. I hope we see more of Abby in person in the upcoming chapters. :D
...grabbed with me when escaping... - It would be better as 'grabbed when escaping'. The 'with me part' seems unnecessary as it has already been said that she was the one who had grabbed them.
6MeAsIAmInteresting read. Intriguing, even.Some things were really good like - But really, he was a thief just like the rest of us. Jamie, Lucky and Teddy well well portrayed and so was Vi. I hope we see more of Abby in person in the upcoming chapters. :D
...grabbed with me when escaping... - It would be better as 'grabbed when escaping'. The 'with me part' seems unnecessary as it has already been said that she was the one who had grabbed them.
4/2/2010 c1 3Double Edged
Hey, Firefly114!
I was just going through the Young Adult stories forum when I saw your name and thought that it sounded familiar... haha!
3Double EdgedHey, Firefly114!
I was just going through the Young Adult stories forum when I saw your name and thought that it sounded familiar... haha!
4/2/2010 c1 1RetardedChicken
Awesome story dude, I was hooked the whole way through. I like the descriptions of you characters and the names are pretty cool too. This was really realistic with all the struggling and how to deal with it and I think you captured it perfectly so great work.
1RetardedChickenAwesome story dude, I was hooked the whole way through. I like the descriptions of you characters and the names are pretty cool too. This was really realistic with all the struggling and how to deal with it and I think you captured it perfectly so great work.
4/1/2010 c1 2tormented heart
Love the concept, but i did get confused at times during conversations. You really do need to continue this story.
At times the flow of the speaking wasn't natural but its not too bad. Keep it up
2tormented heartLove the concept, but i did get confused at times during conversations. You really do need to continue this story.
At times the flow of the speaking wasn't natural but its not too bad. Keep it up
4/1/2010 c1 2Skyterra
Wow! This is so good, and pretty creative, with the setting and all that. Hmm, it could probably do with some reading over a bit... some of the lines are a little bit awkward, but it is not a very big deal! Please continue!
2SkyterraWow! This is so good, and pretty creative, with the setting and all that. Hmm, it could probably do with some reading over a bit... some of the lines are a little bit awkward, but it is not a very big deal! Please continue!
4/1/2010 c1 5eehornburg
This was awesome! I have to admit that I'v been having a hard time finding interesting stories to read lately, but yours caught my attention right away when I started reading. I love the dynamics of their family. You can tell that they really love each other but still have the tough edge. You also have a really good balance of dialouge and description. A lot of times I've noticed that authors have too much of either one (I tend to have a lot of dialouge, I'm working on it though!). But yeah, great job. I can't wait to read more. :)
5eehornburgThis was awesome! I have to admit that I'v been having a hard time finding interesting stories to read lately, but yours caught my attention right away when I started reading. I love the dynamics of their family. You can tell that they really love each other but still have the tough edge. You also have a really good balance of dialouge and description. A lot of times I've noticed that authors have too much of either one (I tend to have a lot of dialouge, I'm working on it though!). But yeah, great job. I can't wait to read more. :)
4/1/2010 c1 2Mikel Dean
Interesting subject matter and nice blending of dialogue and prose! Looking forward to chap#2 !
2Mikel DeanInteresting subject matter and nice blending of dialogue and prose! Looking forward to chap#2 !
4/1/2010 c1 17shadowgirl618
Hmm interesting take. Usually I really like the main character but she bugs me, and it's interesting. I want to see more. I think I'll like her more later when I know more about her. haha. :) Update soon.
17shadowgirl618Hmm interesting take. Usually I really like the main character but she bugs me, and it's interesting. I want to see more. I think I'll like her more later when I know more about her. haha. :) Update soon.
3/31/2010 c1 48Emily Marie
It's a good start. It gets confusing at points with who is talking, who is where and who is doing what. I would only suggest clearing that up. I will definitely be back to read more.
48Emily MarieIt's a good start. It gets confusing at points with who is talking, who is where and who is doing what. I would only suggest clearing that up. I will definitely be back to read more.