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for The Hidden Gun

4/4/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
Wow...nice...The tension is apparent, the cliff hanger excruciatingly painful to the curious minds... :D

It was funny, these were also the girls who used to pick on her nonstop. - Try changing 'pick on her'. Does not convey the degree of their behaviour.

Her voice trembled. - Great...So she is scared!

Riley bit at her nail furiously.- Again a good representation of her mental state :)

Over all very good chap! And the cliffhanger too :)
4/4/2010 c1 2dragonflydreamer
[She pointed the gun straight ahead of her, not pointing it at anyone in particular.] Try to cut out either "pointed" or "pointing," becasue theyr'e too repatative here. Maybe "aim?"

[Riley cringed at everyone's faces.] Nice. I like how you're showing her weakness already.

[the girls who used to pick on her nonstop.] "Pick on her" doesn't quite feel strong enough.

[Evans if you don't shut your fucking mouth, I swear I will shoot every single person in this room,] Comma after Evans. But nice, forceful dialogue.

[Riley threatened pointing the gun all around the room.] "Threatened" is obvious by her words, so I don't think it's necessary. If you want to keep, it, put a comma after it.

[Riley could feel Mark start to shake in fear; she knew she had got to him.] Nice description, and it had a good transition from the dialogue.

[Riley move away from Mark] Comma after "Riley." That's a general note for when you're starting with a name.

[The day she came back, was the day she completely changed.] No comma. But interesting section. It really makes me want to know what happened.

[I mean come on we only knew you for ten years, that's basically nothing,] Should be punctuated "I mean, come on, we only knew you for ten years. That's basically nothing."

[Riley felt a tear fall down her cheek. She furiously wiped it away.] You already used this description at the beginning.

[as Riley pulled the trigger…] I think this would be a much more solid ending without the ellipse (...)

All right. Despite all my nitpicking, I think this is off to a great start! Exciting opening. You catch your readers with a lot of action as well as a lot of questions, which is a great way to get them hooked. I know I sure am.

I like how you're portraying Riley so far. She's obviously going crazy, but we readers can get some glimpses into her normal mentality. I also like her name-it's interesting, but not too weird.

Like I pointed out, there were quite a few punctuation errors. I don't think they're anything too bad, I'm just a grammar Nazi like that. It wouldn't hurt to have a beta look your chapters over, but it wouldn't hurt not to, either.

My main suggestion for this would be to tighten up the writing. You have good descriptions, but your words are too ordinary. Try to find some stronger words for emotions and actions. Also, The flow could be a bit smoother. I like how you have short lines here and there to accent a thought, but try to get a smoother flow before that so it's more jarring.

This looks like it could be a really interesting story. I'll be putting it on alerts, and I hope you update soon! :D

~Courtesy of the Gossip Forum
4/3/2010 c1 3J.S. Hopkins
Wow, talk about a cliff hanger. So many different directions this could go. From rejected by a boy after they did the deed or abducted by aliens. It's an interesting story hope you continue.
4/3/2010 c1 4InkedSoul
This was a powerful concept, very realistic thing to grasp. You did a good job portraying what was happening here, but I feel you could've elaborated a bit on why Riley actually ended up killing herself in the end. Was it because of fear? Was it because she was being picked on? Was it because she simply didn't want to live anymore? I mean she had two great friends so what exactly did she kill herself for? Murder is a powerful thing to write about and it would've been better if you elaborated a bit on it here. Overall good job, a bit more description of the atmosphere, the fear, and tense situation would help enhance the story. But overall I think you did pretty well on this one. Nice going (:

~Idareutoguess
4/3/2010 c1 4lookingwest
Wow, I really like the beginning of this, it really caught my attention and the emotions and the tense quality of the characters, most obviously Riley, started off very strong. I like that you were able to hold that intensity throughout the entire piece too. I had to keep reading to know what happened. I found the ending a little bit expected, but at the same time I think it's something that's such a strong act and ringing ending that you made it unique. You did a wonderful job playing with the reader's emotions.
4/3/2010 c1 TymCon
"She furiously wiped it away." You used a lot of adverbs in this. Adverbs are bad. They are though. Their kinda a lazy shortcut. They describe something without describing anything.

it was a good start. although i don't really like starting a story with action. But it works. I'd be weary about getting to angsty during this though.

The dialougue is good. Flows very naturally. A bit of a lack of description, but i don't think Action really needs that much. Soo nothing really to comment on. A kinda short chapter. So i feel a bit guilty about asking for a review but the roadhouse is roadhouse.XD

Repay to Eden:)
4/3/2010 c1 13Your-Magpie
wow, explosive beginning. loved this, very good. would say some of the dialogue especially at the beginning needs a little more- the put the gun down bit is used a lot in films, and im sure mr evans would have something of his own personality to say ;)

brilliant cliffhanger, thats how its done! the violence, and then not telling who it's inflicted upon! ;-) very good.

would add a liney thing to seperate the description of the sheffield twins and then add another one after the three never talked again, would make a good sort of flashback/seperation from the differing of narrative.

like, update soon.
4/3/2010 c1 1Eiya Weathes
I'm not really a fan of action but you did pretty well in this story.

The angst, the drama, the entire scene...WOW.

I'm sorry but action's not my thing so I can't really give anything constructive.

- Amethyst Penn :)
4/2/2010 c1 Luis Negron
First of all, great emotion. It really made the characters seem real, I really started to feel for poor Riley and whatever she's going through (I might've missed something...)

However, italics should be used sparingly. They should only be used for emphasis of a word as central to the sentence's meaning. For example:

"That performance was frightening!"

"The horrible arrangement you came up with is frightening."

In the second phrase, is would be italicized to convey the meaning.

Good work! Keep it up!
4/2/2010 c1 Broken Cross
That was really epic! I liked the suspense & the whole drama of the scene. The only word of advice I can give you is show not tell. Show the fear of the students & the calm nature of the twins. I give this advice to everyone but you did fairly well with it. Besides that, great job! (:

Broken Cross from the Roadhouse

P.S. Could you please payback via Uprising? Thanks! :D
4/2/2010 c1 cookiewolf
So...why arent you on MSN to take to your long lost friend whoses in china?

ANGRY MUHC?

pshh lol

anyway, greatt storyy love=)

its so thrilling heheh

meowff

EXECLELNT PLEASE UPDATE SOON=)
4/2/2010 c1 5drazer434
~ From the Roadhouse ~

This is a good start. You build up the tension well through the short paragraphs and your action-oriented writing style. Normally I would tell you to add in more description, but in the case of this scene I think it is good that the events don't get bogged down; though I still think you could add some more.

When you describe people's reactions you focus on groups of people; girls and guys. It would be better if you singled on people that Riley knows (like the girls who looked down on her or the guy who rejecter her etc.) and described how different they acted now Riley has got a gun.

Also I don't think the character of Riley is that realistic. She seems absolutely terrified with the gun in hand, yet she is brave/crazy enough to bring it into school, threaten people with it and shoot. At times she seems like a scared girl regretting her decision (like at the begining) but at other times she seems angry and unhinged and like she might shoot one. I think you should either stick with one or the other, and not swing wildly in between.

[Even the tough guys were affected by the single object held in Riley's hand.] You don't need the word object; since it isn't objectS we know that the object is single.

["Riley, put the gun down," Mr Evans said softly, trying not to trigger anything inside Riley that would set her off.] You could just say "trying not to set her off." It removes a few surplus words.

["Shut up Evans," Riley snapped. Her voice trembled a bit.] You don't need "a bit." Generally I think you have a tendency of adding a few surplus words in some of your sentences. Basically you should just go through and edit ruthlessly, or think when you're writing "do I need all these words?"
4/2/2010 c1 v-n-ll-y
Whoa that was a pretty good start :O

It really makes me wonder what happened to Riley, what drove her to take that kind of action. I mean, it must have been a really big thing to make her bring a gun to school.

Your writing's fluent, I did find one thing I couldn't make sense of though:

'...crazy," Mark said other their breath.'

- Are you maybe trying to say 'to the others under his breath' or something along those lines?

Other than that one thing, it's a pretty neat story, and I'd like to see how this turns out.
4/1/2010 c1 4Someone-Whos-Not-Important
AH I think that I hate you! How dare you stop there. Is there more. There better be more! Oh Gosh! I loved it but hated it! I have so many questions. Upday ASAP! Please! Oh Gosh! That was awesomely writen! Great job! But what is going to happen? (dont answer!) Just update! Thank you for posting!

Stickers!
4/1/2010 c1 WoodenStereo
:F Woah. Awesome. I can imagine a batshit-insane girl pointing a gun at her classmates. And the fact I am obsessed with gun-wielding psychos makes this story even better.
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