for Uprising4/5/2011 c2 
1Splash Where Tear Drops
Nice! better grammar this time! Still a few mistakes.
“It[‘]s okay Jace, everything will be fine.” - apostrophe after "it".
"Don't worry about them{,}[;] I have my sword and daggers." - semi colon instead of a comma.
The blanket of red was hair, long[]and flowing. - space between "long" and "and".
Happy writing!
Splash
1Splash Where Tear DropsNice! better grammar this time! Still a few mistakes.
“It[‘]s okay Jace, everything will be fine.” - apostrophe after "it".
"Don't worry about them{,}[;] I have my sword and daggers." - semi colon instead of a comma.
The blanket of red was hair, long[]and flowing. - space between "long" and "and".
Happy writing!
Splash
4/5/2011 c1 Splash Where Tear Drops
Nice prologue! I found some mistakes I'd like to fix for you. Please consider these suggestions as I think it will make your story better. [ ] – stuff I put in. { } – stuff I took out
"Okay[,] but a short one, okay?" – You could change the first “okay” to “alright” or get rid of the ending “okay”.
The blazing fire to the right of them casted long shadows on the wooden floor{,} and fell onto the body of a small boy.
He was sitting cross-legged, his lip curled and blue eyes narrow. The shadows danced on his back, [and] his body [was] engulfed by them.
Jace{,} replied irritably.
“It has Gods and Goddesses." – I suggest not capitalizing the “G”s in “Gods and Goddesses”
"Gods and Goddesses?" – Again, same principle here.
"Yes," – Put a period instead of a comma because it’s the end of a sentence.
"Now, this story happened centuries ago, when the world was still young. There were many Gods, Trisha[,] the Goddess of Knowledge, Barrott[,] the God of the Sea, and the most powerful of them all, Jarius, the God of the Sun." – Again, the capitalizing of “G”
"All the Gods lived in harmony, and all of us were happy. Everything was good, until one day everything changed."
"What? What happened?" Jace exclaimed, clutching onto his Uncle's leg firmly. – lowercase “U” in “Uncle” and lowercase "G"
Brandyn smiled, "Jarius[‘]{'s} brother, Reaper, was the God of Evil.”
"No!" Amber shouted, slamming her tiny fist {into}[onto] her Uncle's leg.
Amber smiled delightfully, "That was great[,] Uncle!" She gave him a grand hug, wrapping her small arms around his round belly. – lowercase “U”
Jace and Amber both let out a whine. "But I'm not tired," They both complained {at the same time}[simultaneously].
He blew out the candle on the nightstand in-between their beds{, then}[and] walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
"Do you think mommy is in heaven, with all of the Gods?" - capitalize “m” in “mommy”
He saw her blonde hair shrouding her face, the blanket pulled up to her neck[,] and her fingers grasping around the edge.
Happy writing!
Splash
Nice prologue! I found some mistakes I'd like to fix for you. Please consider these suggestions as I think it will make your story better. [ ] – stuff I put in. { } – stuff I took out
"Okay[,] but a short one, okay?" – You could change the first “okay” to “alright” or get rid of the ending “okay”.
The blazing fire to the right of them casted long shadows on the wooden floor{,} and fell onto the body of a small boy.
He was sitting cross-legged, his lip curled and blue eyes narrow. The shadows danced on his back, [and] his body [was] engulfed by them.
Jace{,} replied irritably.
“It has Gods and Goddesses." – I suggest not capitalizing the “G”s in “Gods and Goddesses”
"Gods and Goddesses?" – Again, same principle here.
"Yes," – Put a period instead of a comma because it’s the end of a sentence.
"Now, this story happened centuries ago, when the world was still young. There were many Gods, Trisha[,] the Goddess of Knowledge, Barrott[,] the God of the Sea, and the most powerful of them all, Jarius, the God of the Sun." – Again, the capitalizing of “G”
"All the Gods lived in harmony, and all of us were happy. Everything was good, until one day everything changed."
"What? What happened?" Jace exclaimed, clutching onto his Uncle's leg firmly. – lowercase “U” in “Uncle” and lowercase "G"
Brandyn smiled, "Jarius[‘]{'s} brother, Reaper, was the God of Evil.”
"No!" Amber shouted, slamming her tiny fist {into}[onto] her Uncle's leg.
Amber smiled delightfully, "That was great[,] Uncle!" She gave him a grand hug, wrapping her small arms around his round belly. – lowercase “U”
Jace and Amber both let out a whine. "But I'm not tired," They both complained {at the same time}[simultaneously].
He blew out the candle on the nightstand in-between their beds{, then}[and] walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.
"Do you think mommy is in heaven, with all of the Gods?" - capitalize “m” in “mommy”
He saw her blonde hair shrouding her face, the blanket pulled up to her neck[,] and her fingers grasping around the edge.
Happy writing!
Splash
2/21/2011 c2 10Katerzzz
Imma quite sad that this is on hiatus :( I really enjoyed this chapter :D Anyway, RFTA is just as good if not better :D. I love the idea of an ancient civilisation, gods and godesses, loved it. Overall a good chapter and I now believe I have reviewed every last bit of your work! Thats an achievement! Lol.
Katz
P.S: I'd love it if you could take a look at the new chapter of The Angel, and also if you are interested, my new story, The Lady Alice? When you are able ofc :D Ta!
10KaterzzzImma quite sad that this is on hiatus :( I really enjoyed this chapter :D Anyway, RFTA is just as good if not better :D. I love the idea of an ancient civilisation, gods and godesses, loved it. Overall a good chapter and I now believe I have reviewed every last bit of your work! Thats an achievement! Lol.
Katz
P.S: I'd love it if you could take a look at the new chapter of The Angel, and also if you are interested, my new story, The Lady Alice? When you are able ofc :D Ta!
2/13/2011 c1 Katerzzz
Hm...I know this is screaming ON HIATUS at me, but I feel the need to read your wonderful work as a bedtime story for me :D
Another brilliant concept, and as always, impeccable dialogue, well established characters and I LOVE the idea of the story being told through a story...really ingenius idea that I one day might steal.
Katz
P.S: I added another instalment to my Julia oneshots, care to take a look? Ta!
Hm...I know this is screaming ON HIATUS at me, but I feel the need to read your wonderful work as a bedtime story for me :D
Another brilliant concept, and as always, impeccable dialogue, well established characters and I LOVE the idea of the story being told through a story...really ingenius idea that I one day might steal.
Katz
P.S: I added another instalment to my Julia oneshots, care to take a look? Ta!
5/31/2010 c2 23AvidWriter-92
wow, this is great! ^^
I really loved this chapter; the descriptions got better, and the characters began to take shape. :)
I'm very intrigued by this whole war-hopefully, in later chapters, you can focus on the politics of the country that Jasper is in...
hmm...
I liked the fact that Jace and Amber maintained their childhood personalities; Amber is still fascinated by the Gods and Goddess and stories in general, while Jace is more levelheaded and a bit doubtful. :)
I liked the descriptions of what they looked like... Do you have any pictures of them, like you do with your "Rise from the Ashes" story? Just wondering...
I also liked how you came up with new god and goddess names. They're very interesting. :D
Can't wait for the next chapter... Will you update this soon, or are you just working on the RFTA story for now?
~Avid. :)
23AvidWriter-92wow, this is great! ^^
I really loved this chapter; the descriptions got better, and the characters began to take shape. :)
I'm very intrigued by this whole war-hopefully, in later chapters, you can focus on the politics of the country that Jasper is in...
hmm...
I liked the fact that Jace and Amber maintained their childhood personalities; Amber is still fascinated by the Gods and Goddess and stories in general, while Jace is more levelheaded and a bit doubtful. :)
I liked the descriptions of what they looked like... Do you have any pictures of them, like you do with your "Rise from the Ashes" story? Just wondering...
I also liked how you came up with new god and goddess names. They're very interesting. :D
Can't wait for the next chapter... Will you update this soon, or are you just working on the RFTA story for now?
~Avid. :)
5/31/2010 c1 AvidWriter-92
Hey, B. Cross. :)
I think that this was a good start to a story, but I also think that you could have expanded a bit on it. I think that if you used more descriptions about the children's reactions, and the setting, it would make it seem more realistic. :P
Anyways, I did enjoy the dialogue of the uncle. :) It told a great story, I thought. :) I thought it was kind of interesting that Jace didn't want to hear a story about unicorns and fairies, but he did want to hear a story about Gods and goddesses. :P Don't they all fall into the same category? ^^
There were a few gramatical mistakes...
["Okay(,) but a short one, okay?"] I also think that you should cut out the second 'okay.' So, if you rewrote it, it would be something like: "Okay, but just a short one." or something like that.
[..."the wooden floor, and fell into the body of the small boy."] you don't need a comma there, because the second half of the sentence doesn't have a subject. (it's a dependent clause. ^^)
["It's okay, Amber."] again, need a comma there. :)
Overall, this was a good start to a story... :)
~Avid. :) roadhouse.
Hey, B. Cross. :)
I think that this was a good start to a story, but I also think that you could have expanded a bit on it. I think that if you used more descriptions about the children's reactions, and the setting, it would make it seem more realistic. :P
Anyways, I did enjoy the dialogue of the uncle. :) It told a great story, I thought. :) I thought it was kind of interesting that Jace didn't want to hear a story about unicorns and fairies, but he did want to hear a story about Gods and goddesses. :P Don't they all fall into the same category? ^^
There were a few gramatical mistakes...
["Okay(,) but a short one, okay?"] I also think that you should cut out the second 'okay.' So, if you rewrote it, it would be something like: "Okay, but just a short one." or something like that.
[..."the wooden floor, and fell into the body of the small boy."] you don't need a comma there, because the second half of the sentence doesn't have a subject. (it's a dependent clause. ^^)
["It's okay, Amber."] again, need a comma there. :)
Overall, this was a good start to a story... :)
~Avid. :) roadhouse.
5/29/2010 c1 10Vroooommmmmm
good concept...but i felt the dialogues rather lacked a punch that I felt in Rise of the Ashes...you could work on the dialogues...this could be an interesting stuff...just build on it a little...otherwise the grammar,settings is perfect
10Vroooommmmmmgood concept...but i felt the dialogues rather lacked a punch that I felt in Rise of the Ashes...you could work on the dialogues...this could be an interesting stuff...just build on it a little...otherwise the grammar,settings is perfect
5/23/2010 c1 eiyuang999
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Cheap retail watch, sunglasses, belt, hats/caps, High quality T-shirts,ED hardy t-shirts,ED Hardy hoodies,ED hardy ,Jeans,GUCCI shoes,LV Handbag,Chanel Handbag…high quality,low price.welcome to:
4/12/2010 c1 6ephemeral dance
Hello there! :3 Good job at establishing the characters here. I'm normally not one to enjoy the start-a-story-with-a-story kind of thing, but it's not as if Brandyn was telling your run-of-the-mill children's tale, so that's good! I don't think that "gods and goddesses" should be capitalized, but besides that, wonderful work- as usual!
6ephemeral danceHello there! :3 Good job at establishing the characters here. I'm normally not one to enjoy the start-a-story-with-a-story kind of thing, but it's not as if Brandyn was telling your run-of-the-mill children's tale, so that's good! I don't think that "gods and goddesses" should be capitalized, but besides that, wonderful work- as usual!
4/9/2010 c2 3123465
Hello and thank you for the review.
I read chapter one of Uprising, I like the flow and really like your dialogue tags. A good start.
Things to watch out for.
Amen - just beware of using other languages in your writing, amen is a jewish word and is specifically used in christian/jewish prayers...if that doesn't bother you don't worry about it, it's fiction so you can make the rules.
Age - people were alot older alot younger in the past, it wasn't till the introduction of age limits on alcohol and the mass production of schooling that people started to consider 18 to be the age of an adult. 15-16 is safe in some eras people were considered an adult at age 14.
Screw - be careful with slang as it dates your work. the first screw was created around 1375, I don't know when people started using it for slang but just be aware.
Too many gods too quickly, a reader won't be able to keep track of them later on in the book.
And finally, Ambers reasoning for Jace to allow her to come - It doesn't state how she knows the mountains, I presumed she had travelled through them, but later she had said "But what about the wolves and bandits? I've heard stories..." so that made me think she had never been there. A possible fix could be instead of her knowing the mountains, have her state that she can read maps, where jace cannot. I think it would fit her character.
Don't let these discourage or think I didn't like it, I thouroughly enjoyed the read. I hope you find this constructive and good luck in your works.
3123465Hello and thank you for the review.
I read chapter one of Uprising, I like the flow and really like your dialogue tags. A good start.
Things to watch out for.
Amen - just beware of using other languages in your writing, amen is a jewish word and is specifically used in christian/jewish prayers...if that doesn't bother you don't worry about it, it's fiction so you can make the rules.
Age - people were alot older alot younger in the past, it wasn't till the introduction of age limits on alcohol and the mass production of schooling that people started to consider 18 to be the age of an adult. 15-16 is safe in some eras people were considered an adult at age 14.
Screw - be careful with slang as it dates your work. the first screw was created around 1375, I don't know when people started using it for slang but just be aware.
Too many gods too quickly, a reader won't be able to keep track of them later on in the book.
And finally, Ambers reasoning for Jace to allow her to come - It doesn't state how she knows the mountains, I presumed she had travelled through them, but later she had said "But what about the wolves and bandits? I've heard stories..." so that made me think she had never been there. A possible fix could be instead of her knowing the mountains, have her state that she can read maps, where jace cannot. I think it would fit her character.
Don't let these discourage or think I didn't like it, I thouroughly enjoyed the read. I hope you find this constructive and good luck in your works.
4/9/2010 c1 7zombie chickens
I must say I think your writing has improved dramatically since I first looked at your work on this site. You did a really good job on this prologue and I thought it was very clever to give the reader some information in the form of a story being told to children. Well told and I'm curious to see where this goes.
7zombie chickensI must say I think your writing has improved dramatically since I first looked at your work on this site. You did a really good job on this prologue and I thought it was very clever to give the reader some information in the form of a story being told to children. Well told and I'm curious to see where this goes.
4/6/2010 c2 11J. D. Bennett
I like this chapter a lot. I wonder in what part of the world this story takes place - Jasper, obviously, but the concept of gods and goddesses make me think it's some ancient civilization.
There's a lot of action. I do typically like when action starts in the first few chapters, but I felt like the exposition was slightly hurried in order to get to the juicy stuff.
As always, keep up the excellent work!
11J. D. BennettI like this chapter a lot. I wonder in what part of the world this story takes place - Jasper, obviously, but the concept of gods and goddesses make me think it's some ancient civilization.
There's a lot of action. I do typically like when action starts in the first few chapters, but I felt like the exposition was slightly hurried in order to get to the juicy stuff.
As always, keep up the excellent work!
4/6/2010 c1 J. D. Bennett
Good prologue! The Uncle-telling-a-story thing was a bit cliche, but the story he told was pretty interesting. I can only imagine what it means for the rest of the story. Anyway, not much else to say, keep up the great work!
Good prologue! The Uncle-telling-a-story thing was a bit cliche, but the story he told was pretty interesting. I can only imagine what it means for the rest of the story. Anyway, not much else to say, keep up the great work!
4/6/2010 c2 2PissyNovelist
Uhmm... simply amazing. This is deffinettly a Sotry I'm going to watch for! It has so many options, so many places to go, and so much real potential! As I was reading, I couldn't get enough of your style!
It's sad chapter 2 had to come to an end! :) I can't wait to see more!
2PissyNovelistUhmm... simply amazing. This is deffinettly a Sotry I'm going to watch for! It has so many options, so many places to go, and so much real potential! As I was reading, I couldn't get enough of your style!
It's sad chapter 2 had to come to an end! :) I can't wait to see more!
4/6/2010 c2 4lookingwest
Great opening again, I like that you establish Jace immediately as an outsider to the perfect harmony of Jasper. Again, I also love that I'm still keeping track of who's who and such-the whole Gods and Goddess' thing was cool-did you come up with all of those yourself? If so, awesome!
"I did Uncle." Jace replied.
-Edit: I notice that you have a habit of doing this. Just remember that instead of a period, you need a comma after "Uncle" because the dialogue needs to stay attached to the speaker tag. Otherwise you've got two separate sentences and one of them is just "Jace replied." which makes your dialogue choppy when read aloud.
I like how you incorporate politics into this story too, at least with concerning the army and the boys who are enlisted. It adds a lot of tension to the plot and it certainly makes the reader wonder why Brandyn isn't enlisted or fighting too.
"...I probably won't even be with dad."
-Edit: capitalize "Dad" because that's his "name" in a sense, to Jace.
Hmm...I feel like the decision to leave and Brandyn's compliance with it was a little rushed, I almost expected them to have at least a little more tension regarding that decision, but in the last two parts I think you regain that steady pace. Overall though, I enjoyed another smoothly narrated chapter!
4lookingwestGreat opening again, I like that you establish Jace immediately as an outsider to the perfect harmony of Jasper. Again, I also love that I'm still keeping track of who's who and such-the whole Gods and Goddess' thing was cool-did you come up with all of those yourself? If so, awesome!
"I did Uncle." Jace replied.
-Edit: I notice that you have a habit of doing this. Just remember that instead of a period, you need a comma after "Uncle" because the dialogue needs to stay attached to the speaker tag. Otherwise you've got two separate sentences and one of them is just "Jace replied." which makes your dialogue choppy when read aloud.
I like how you incorporate politics into this story too, at least with concerning the army and the boys who are enlisted. It adds a lot of tension to the plot and it certainly makes the reader wonder why Brandyn isn't enlisted or fighting too.
"...I probably won't even be with dad."
-Edit: capitalize "Dad" because that's his "name" in a sense, to Jace.
Hmm...I feel like the decision to leave and Brandyn's compliance with it was a little rushed, I almost expected them to have at least a little more tension regarding that decision, but in the last two parts I think you regain that steady pace. Overall though, I enjoyed another smoothly narrated chapter!