for Oria of Araceli6/12/2011 c5 LunairaMystia
Rocio is so adorable owo! It seems like Suzu likes her, too! I hope they end up falling in love with each other XD. I'll try to read the next chapter soon.
Rocio is so adorable owo! It seems like Suzu likes her, too! I hope they end up falling in love with each other XD. I'll try to read the next chapter soon.
3/21/2011 c4 Lunaira
This chapter was about Suzu and Pence and flowers and falling and apologizing. XD; I'll try to read chapter five soon.
This chapter was about Suzu and Pence and flowers and falling and apologizing. XD; I'll try to read chapter five soon.
2/18/2011 c17 
4SoraYume
Hi, i've been reading your story for a while, well its taking me a while to read it, but i finally caught up to date, i really love your creativity and uniqueness, specially who you have portraid each character and the situations they face. Also what I find just as amazing is your detialled eassy going descriptions, it really puts the reader in the middle of the story pls update soon!
4SoraYumeHi, i've been reading your story for a while, well its taking me a while to read it, but i finally caught up to date, i really love your creativity and uniqueness, specially who you have portraid each character and the situations they face. Also what I find just as amazing is your detialled eassy going descriptions, it really puts the reader in the middle of the story pls update soon!
1/29/2011 c3 Lunaira
Uhm, I'm just letting you know I read this third chapter. It was about Raven and Oria and Father Caspian and baptism and Luthers and new bedroom and Jenna! (That was a run-on sentence.) I'll keep trying to catch up. (You just updated this story today! e-e)
Uhm, I'm just letting you know I read this third chapter. It was about Raven and Oria and Father Caspian and baptism and Luthers and new bedroom and Jenna! (That was a run-on sentence.) I'll keep trying to catch up. (You just updated this story today! e-e)
12/23/2010 c2 Lunaira
I'm finally reading the second chapter! I might be able to read the third one tomorrow, but maybe not, since it'll be Christmas Eve. o-o
Anyways, here are some errors:
". . . while rincing (is that spelled right?) it in the water." It's spelled with an 's,' not a 'c.'
"She the stopped in front of the log . . ." then** not the
". . . in her hair must very important." must be very** not must very
". . . fall down at get slightly hurt . . ." and** not at
". . . field trip planned for District for." District Four** not for
That's all of the ones that I noticed. Well, except for the "words" they said.s that you're constantly doing (no commas at the end of your quotations), and I didn't feel like pointing out every one of those. XD;
This was nice to read. It looks like there will soon be some action. I'm looking forward to it. owo
I'm finally reading the second chapter! I might be able to read the third one tomorrow, but maybe not, since it'll be Christmas Eve. o-o
Anyways, here are some errors:
". . . while rincing (is that spelled right?) it in the water." It's spelled with an 's,' not a 'c.'
"She the stopped in front of the log . . ." then** not the
". . . in her hair must very important." must be very** not must very
". . . fall down at get slightly hurt . . ." and** not at
". . . field trip planned for District for." District Four** not for
That's all of the ones that I noticed. Well, except for the "words" they said.s that you're constantly doing (no commas at the end of your quotations), and I didn't feel like pointing out every one of those. XD;
This was nice to read. It looks like there will soon be some action. I'm looking forward to it. owo
10/26/2010 c1 Lunaira
I decided to reread the first chapter, since I was half-asleep when I read it the first time, so I didn't understand it well enough to follow chapter two. XD;
Here are the sentences where you made grammar mistakes.
". . . to appear little by little feather let itself . . ., consumed by colorand a sense of pristine purity."
". . . were surrounding a ratherlarge house."
"But it hung from a tile that pointed to a very very very large oak tree consumed by it's green leaves almost completely. It's branches and bark were absolutely large, . . ."
". . . dark yellow hair with it's bangs part down the middle . . ."
"There is also apurple ribbon . . ."
". . . but she is looked quite refined, . . ."
". . . as itwas carried away . . ."
". . . tied in small pigtailswith dark blue ribbons . . ."
". . . she were wearing . . ."
". . . and supervision asshe observed . . ."
". . . slowly risingfrom the horizon."
". . . and it's shell is a perfect shade of white . . ."
"It is sitting on a largepile of soft blankets . . ."
". . . in a politeand lady-like voice."
"Luljeta smiled brightlyat the children, . . ."
"Pence toldher proudly."
". . . until it reached it's limit . . ."
". . . while his gentle facebegan to have . . ."
". . . and directed himtoward the large egg."
"Suzu thenslowly but gently . . ."
"All to suddenly...Suzu could hear . . ."
"Everyonewas against the wall, . . ."
". . . a strong compulstion to scream with excitement."
"Thankfully, theyaren't very sharp . . ."
". . . the large waveof amniotic fluid."
". . . in a white lace night grown . . ."
". . . like they're an infants hands; . . ."
". . . and move herlegs quickly."
". . . and it's brown bristles."
". . . andtied the blue ribbons on them."
"You have become one of our bretheren."
Wow, I didn't think that many words would be stuck together. o-o
There was also the usual lack of punctuation at the end of most of your quotations. Also, you're constantly changing between tenses, often using different verbs in the same sentence. ("She is pale-skinned, but didn't look very genteel." Here, you use "is" first then "didn't" later in the sentence: you're changing from present to past tense.)
I refuse to comment on the actual story until I'm caught up with it, so I'll read more of it and review at a later time. I'm sorry for being so slow. ;-;
I decided to reread the first chapter, since I was half-asleep when I read it the first time, so I didn't understand it well enough to follow chapter two. XD;
Here are the sentences where you made grammar mistakes.
". . . to appear little by little feather let itself . . ., consumed by colorand a sense of pristine purity."
". . . were surrounding a ratherlarge house."
"But it hung from a tile that pointed to a very very very large oak tree consumed by it's green leaves almost completely. It's branches and bark were absolutely large, . . ."
". . . dark yellow hair with it's bangs part down the middle . . ."
"There is also apurple ribbon . . ."
". . . but she is looked quite refined, . . ."
". . . as itwas carried away . . ."
". . . tied in small pigtailswith dark blue ribbons . . ."
". . . she were wearing . . ."
". . . and supervision asshe observed . . ."
". . . slowly risingfrom the horizon."
". . . and it's shell is a perfect shade of white . . ."
"It is sitting on a largepile of soft blankets . . ."
". . . in a politeand lady-like voice."
"Luljeta smiled brightlyat the children, . . ."
"Pence toldher proudly."
". . . until it reached it's limit . . ."
". . . while his gentle facebegan to have . . ."
". . . and directed himtoward the large egg."
"Suzu thenslowly but gently . . ."
"All to suddenly...Suzu could hear . . ."
"Everyonewas against the wall, . . ."
". . . a strong compulstion to scream with excitement."
"Thankfully, theyaren't very sharp . . ."
". . . the large waveof amniotic fluid."
". . . in a white lace night grown . . ."
". . . like they're an infants hands; . . ."
". . . and move herlegs quickly."
". . . and it's brown bristles."
". . . andtied the blue ribbons on them."
"You have become one of our bretheren."
Wow, I didn't think that many words would be stuck together. o-o
There was also the usual lack of punctuation at the end of most of your quotations. Also, you're constantly changing between tenses, often using different verbs in the same sentence. ("She is pale-skinned, but didn't look very genteel." Here, you use "is" first then "didn't" later in the sentence: you're changing from present to past tense.)
I refuse to comment on the actual story until I'm caught up with it, so I'll read more of it and review at a later time. I'm sorry for being so slow. ;-;
7/27/2010 c10 4tktktk
Just caught up on this :) I really like where you're taking the story. Your characters are developed really well, and I like the dialogue a lot. And by the way, I am obsessed with Soul Silver xD Keep writing!
4tktktkJust caught up on this :) I really like where you're taking the story. Your characters are developed really well, and I like the dialogue a lot. And by the way, I am obsessed with Soul Silver xD Keep writing!
7/24/2010 c1 Melissa Norvell
So far, this seems like a very interesting story. I must say that I really like Clover so far, that and I'm fond of such a name. I'm sorry this review is a little short but I've just really got back to playing catch up with reviews on this site. I look forward to reading more later on.
So far, this seems like a very interesting story. I must say that I really like Clover so far, that and I'm fond of such a name. I'm sorry this review is a little short but I've just really got back to playing catch up with reviews on this site. I look forward to reading more later on.
7/15/2010 c1 tktktk
This is a really great start, I'll have to read more soon! Your descriptions and setting are really nicely done. Maybe you could read my story, Ishiki. I'd love to hear your opinion on it :)
This is a really great start, I'll have to read more soon! Your descriptions and setting are really nicely done. Maybe you could read my story, Ishiki. I'd love to hear your opinion on it :)
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4/2/2010 c1 4Blunt.Wolf
I like this, reminds me of old children's stories without the morality like the wizard of oz with an afterlife twist. Me like. It's rare to see fluffy stories this long on FP, I don't usually read things in the 'Family' genre but the way you begin for the first few paragraphs drew me in enough to suspend my judgement. There are a lot of characters introduced at the same time and it gets hard to match they're description with they're names unless they do talking or something important and noteworthy. It gets a bit excessive. Try to show don't tell more regarding their characterization. They need to grow on the reader so they don't just forget them after a few sentences. Also I notice a lot of places where words run together remedy this with spaces please otherwise other readers will get annoyed and turn you down if you don't know you. Anyway Pence and Clover rock! and I like Raven as well too. I like Pence's interactions with Suzu it shows a lot about him and it seems that everyone he talks to makes both parties more animated and likable. It's an interesting contrast between his hilarity and Suzu's shy (for lack of a better word) character. I'm going to go ahead and put this on my Alerts. Good Luck!
4Blunt.WolfI like this, reminds me of old children's stories without the morality like the wizard of oz with an afterlife twist. Me like. It's rare to see fluffy stories this long on FP, I don't usually read things in the 'Family' genre but the way you begin for the first few paragraphs drew me in enough to suspend my judgement. There are a lot of characters introduced at the same time and it gets hard to match they're description with they're names unless they do talking or something important and noteworthy. It gets a bit excessive. Try to show don't tell more regarding their characterization. They need to grow on the reader so they don't just forget them after a few sentences. Also I notice a lot of places where words run together remedy this with spaces please otherwise other readers will get annoyed and turn you down if you don't know you. Anyway Pence and Clover rock! and I like Raven as well too. I like Pence's interactions with Suzu it shows a lot about him and it seems that everyone he talks to makes both parties more animated and likable. It's an interesting contrast between his hilarity and Suzu's shy (for lack of a better word) character. I'm going to go ahead and put this on my Alerts. Good Luck!
4/1/2010 c1 Old xRayneWolfx account
This was cool to read, though I have one question -does everyone have "Ester" as a last name? Little Oria was so beautifully described and the other kids were cute, the playfulness and extra energy was keen at point with the kids. I was able to picture them as I was reading this.
You did a great job and I hope to read more soon ^-^
~Rayne~
This was cool to read, though I have one question -does everyone have "Ester" as a last name? Little Oria was so beautifully described and the other kids were cute, the playfulness and extra energy was keen at point with the kids. I was able to picture them as I was reading this.
You did a great job and I hope to read more soon ^-^
~Rayne~