4/24/2010 c1 AdiGal
That was one very promising beginning.

I think you've developed the characters really well. Other than a few typos, I thought that was really good.

Can't wait for you to update.

-AG :)

4/11/2010 c1 8sealednectar
This is good so far. I'm interested to see what happens next. Good work.

I think that Kevin should have spoken more when she found out because he didn't say much. I didn't feel like he was developed enough. Perhaps, he will appear in later chapters. Also, I would've liked to hear more of her thoughts right at that moment. At first, I didn't think she would be a person to have big confrontations in the cafeteria with everyone watching, but she didn't seem to mind.

I'm curious to know what this other guy did to her.

How did she get the status in the first place?

I think you could've described her friends a bit more. I know you did personality/characteristics-wise, but what about physical looks?

There's a lot going on in this chapter alone. Perhaps splitting it in two would make the timeframe clearer.

Luckily, I read your a/n first so here's some of the stuff I picked up on:



'After waking up no clothes'- with no

'leaving one time' -on time

' he stomach '-her

"... a lot of hungry people here.-forgot the closing speechmarks.

you", she -comma before closing speech marks.

Bridge" hissed -comma needed.

'To her further annoyance, that...'-I think you need something stronger than 'annoyance' here, you used the word a couple of other time earlier on.

"...you better them- than them

'she knew the smart thing to do was to walk away, she said,'-said doesn't express much here.

'over some else had '-someone

'and though she had never quite been able to return those three words, he had understood.'-did he say he understood?

'ice princess'-perhaps it should be capitalised?

'and pulled towards him for'-pulled her? She pulled herself?

'darling" she'-comma before closing speechmarks

'water works'-together

'botched up face'-blotched?

'goy' -guy

'mark of '-mask?

'paying" said'-comma "

'paying" she' -comma "

sure" giggled -comma "

love ya" she said- coma "

chance" muttered -comma "

and so on...

personal space, and-no need for comma

"Why you so..." -are you

"that you fell in love.

But if I can't even have a four..."- This shouldn't be seperated.

Hope this helped,

Update soon.