for Wild Lilies4/11/2012 c1 
7ChaseTheSunset
Words can't describe how beautiful your writing is, it is honestly amazing. From the beginning of the story to the end, I was hooked. I really didn't want it to end. It is a beautiful one-shot filled with emotive words. One of the interesting bit about the story was the mention of the painting and how her son Leon was described as "a faint golden thread of joy began to weave its way through the swathes of deep sorrow the black represented."
I think that was one of the descriptions that really painted a picture into my mind, I could almost imagine how the painting looked like. Everything was quite perfect.
However, there is one thing I'd like to criticize on, and that is how you made the main characters of the story, the "Wild Lilies", seem too perfect it almost put me off reading the story. I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy reading stories about characters that are to pretty to exist in the real world.
In conclusion, the story altogether was fantastic, you should be proud of your work. You'd make a great author, I can see that. I really enjoy how you focused on important situations in life (Domestic Violence), its a good way of getting the message across, and yes, it should stop.
Thank you for your story, it was a pleasure to read (:
-ChaseTheSunset.
7ChaseTheSunsetWords can't describe how beautiful your writing is, it is honestly amazing. From the beginning of the story to the end, I was hooked. I really didn't want it to end. It is a beautiful one-shot filled with emotive words. One of the interesting bit about the story was the mention of the painting and how her son Leon was described as "a faint golden thread of joy began to weave its way through the swathes of deep sorrow the black represented."
I think that was one of the descriptions that really painted a picture into my mind, I could almost imagine how the painting looked like. Everything was quite perfect.
However, there is one thing I'd like to criticize on, and that is how you made the main characters of the story, the "Wild Lilies", seem too perfect it almost put me off reading the story. I don't know about you, but I don't enjoy reading stories about characters that are to pretty to exist in the real world.
In conclusion, the story altogether was fantastic, you should be proud of your work. You'd make a great author, I can see that. I really enjoy how you focused on important situations in life (Domestic Violence), its a good way of getting the message across, and yes, it should stop.
Thank you for your story, it was a pleasure to read (:
-ChaseTheSunset.
7/22/2010 c1 1Jess Megan
I like your opening line. It’s really unique and grabbing. I would consider revising the rest of the paragraph because it is really repetitive. The second sentence, for example, could be two sentences. I think it would be more powerful to do something like this “All that is left of me now is my skeleton. But once I had life.” And then continue on with introducing Leon as her light/ son.
I also don’t think you need that last sentence where she says she’s getting ahead of herself. You don’t always need a blunt transition, I think it would work just fine going into how she was raised because the readers can assume she is explaining what happened, how she died, Leon’s birth, etc.
Also, sometimes you use commas a little too much in one sentence (too frequently). If you have to use several then I would revise it. Unless of course you’re listing things. But commas can be distracting to the readers, so I would advise you to only use them when grammatically necessary.
The third paragraph really confuses me. I would be careful with sentence structure because sometimes it can get confusing.
“When my oldest sister Lucille turned sixteen the first of a long line of suitors appeared at our door.” This sentence is very confusing because it sounds like two sentences due to the way it’s structured. I would write it like this: “The first of a long line of suitors appeared at our door when my oldest sister Lucille turned sixteen.”
The second sentence is also confusing for the same reason. . “It was this suitor who in my fathers eyes was unworthy to even consider one of us as a bride who named us the "Wild Lilies."” First, “Wild Lilies” does not need to have quotations around it. I also noticed you did this when you told us that the name of their home was called the House of Wild Lilies. Don’t use quotation marks in these cases, only use them when someone is speaking.
Anyway, that sentence would do better if it was written like this:
“There was one suitor who my father believed was unworthy to even consider one of us as a bride. This suitor was the one who named us the Wild Lilies.”
I’m not going to completely editor on you and point out everything but I would definitely suggest revising this.
I do like how you connected the image of the skeleton at the beginning to the end, that was very nicely done. Also how you portrayed the narrator’s death. Again, I would just revise it. Watch your sentence structure and use of commas. Also try to keep an eye out for repetitiveness. Good job though! I think this (and you) have a lot of potential. Keep writing! I hope I was of some help!
And thank you for the review.
- Jess
1Jess MeganI like your opening line. It’s really unique and grabbing. I would consider revising the rest of the paragraph because it is really repetitive. The second sentence, for example, could be two sentences. I think it would be more powerful to do something like this “All that is left of me now is my skeleton. But once I had life.” And then continue on with introducing Leon as her light/ son.
I also don’t think you need that last sentence where she says she’s getting ahead of herself. You don’t always need a blunt transition, I think it would work just fine going into how she was raised because the readers can assume she is explaining what happened, how she died, Leon’s birth, etc.
Also, sometimes you use commas a little too much in one sentence (too frequently). If you have to use several then I would revise it. Unless of course you’re listing things. But commas can be distracting to the readers, so I would advise you to only use them when grammatically necessary.
The third paragraph really confuses me. I would be careful with sentence structure because sometimes it can get confusing.
“When my oldest sister Lucille turned sixteen the first of a long line of suitors appeared at our door.” This sentence is very confusing because it sounds like two sentences due to the way it’s structured. I would write it like this: “The first of a long line of suitors appeared at our door when my oldest sister Lucille turned sixteen.”
The second sentence is also confusing for the same reason. . “It was this suitor who in my fathers eyes was unworthy to even consider one of us as a bride who named us the "Wild Lilies."” First, “Wild Lilies” does not need to have quotations around it. I also noticed you did this when you told us that the name of their home was called the House of Wild Lilies. Don’t use quotation marks in these cases, only use them when someone is speaking.
Anyway, that sentence would do better if it was written like this:
“There was one suitor who my father believed was unworthy to even consider one of us as a bride. This suitor was the one who named us the Wild Lilies.”
I’m not going to completely editor on you and point out everything but I would definitely suggest revising this.
I do like how you connected the image of the skeleton at the beginning to the end, that was very nicely done. Also how you portrayed the narrator’s death. Again, I would just revise it. Watch your sentence structure and use of commas. Also try to keep an eye out for repetitiveness. Good job though! I think this (and you) have a lot of potential. Keep writing! I hope I was of some help!
And thank you for the review.
- Jess