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5/11/2010 c1 12lianoid
“...when Hannah had suggested they slipped away to...” – Change “slipped” to “slip”.

“Despite this, she was the one to insist that they scrabbled...” – Change “scrabbled” to “scrabble”

This is well written and the use of suspense at the end was wonderful. I always feel a little bit sad when one-shots end. Of course you mention that this isn’t how you wanted it to end, however I feel that it was perfect nonetheless. A couple of grammatical suggestions, feel free to ignore them, I could be wrong. Other than that, everything was marvellous. Good luck in the WCC.
5/9/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
The ominous tone was great use of the prompt. I like how you never really know if she's going to go back... After all, she turns back twice before giving in!

Good job and good luck in WCC!
5/3/2010 c1 6notveryalice
There is some unnecessary exposition at the beginning of the story. If you were to pick up the story part of the way through, it might be more consistently paced and overall a more successful piece.

I truly enjoyed the ending; it scared me and thrilled me. You didn't need to tell me what was in the tunnel; I can imagine it well enough.

This story reminds me a lot of Ray Bradbury - creepy and mysterious, but not mysterious in the way that makes me re-read a bazillion times just to pick up some thread of reality (talking to you, Philip K. Dick), mysterious in an intriguing and puzzling way. Just in case I wasn't clear, I adore Ray Bradbury's short stories.

5/3/2010 c1 7Kackex
At first your story was boring and bland; though this is partly because I dislike drama oriented stories. The opening is still well done.

Overall the story was pretty cool and the ending was a coup de grace on the piece turning this mellow drama into something more sinister.

Good luck in the WCC, Keep writing, would you kindly,

5/2/2010 c1 Lady Darkness Diamond
Wow! This is a really good story/one shot.

I like the way you opened the story by talking about Matthew and his friends. You described them well without getting too much into long, unnecessary details( like I tend to do...). Very refreshing to see that. Short and succinct.

I also thought you brought out Hannah's character well. This is only 1,981 words, but that's more than enough to give readers the feeling that Hannah can be a little bit of a handful at times. :)

And the cliffhanger at the end was just perfect. Every Author loves their cliffhangers right? And the way you did this one left me, and no doubt all of your other readers, screaming for more information! That omnipresent "Where is she by the way?" cues you in to the fact that something is wrong and you left it off at exactly the right spot. Nicely done.


What DOES happen to Hannah anyway?_?
5/2/2010 c1 4lookingwest
Almost a whole week had passed, and the closest any of them had come to a fight was Pete's new vegetarian ideals clashing with Jody's die-hard carnivorism.

-More of a personal preference than anything, but I'd suggest maybe replacing the word 'was' after 'fight' with 'concerned'.

Yet they had managed it, and...

-Would suggest omitting "had"

For some reason I've started out this piece with thinking it was during medieval times, though because of the temporary names I was wary of my own assumption. This might be because when I see the prompt I think of knights and medieval times...this is more of a pointless personal observation than anything, but I had a little loss of historical sense.

...what was on the other-side.

-Not sure if 'other-side' needs a hyphen. I'm unsure of this though...in fact now that I think about it I'm not sure about hyphen etiquette at all, so you probably know what you're doing.

...and an icy, gunmetal ocean

-"gunmetal"-wow, beautiful flourish of description and word choice.

"You're no fun," she said. It sounded like she was delivering a death sentence.

-loved that tag "like a death sentence"-very ominous.

...reeking of smoke and tobacco.

-I want you to be a little more descriptive with what kind of "smoke" here. Because tobacco smoke is a smell, but you say he smells like tobacco already-so is this smoke cigarette smoke or maybe wood-burning smoke?

There was nothing. Just darkness.


Love your ending. You built up with the foreshadow in a lot of different places. I like how you gave me a story with the painting/photo. Yours is the first submission I've read so far, and I really like how it gave me a simple scene and character situation that resulted in a shiver down my spine. Very creepy idea when Hannah disappeared from the pub-and I like how that exploration and Matthew's reluctance to submit to it drove something between them-very clever story telling. It reminds me of this short story I read called 'We Didn't'-but anyway, very smooth writing too. Most of my little editing remarks are extremely picky because I found nothing obviously grammatically/spelling-wise wrong. So thumbs up here. Loved getting to know your characters so well in only 2,0-ish words :D
5/2/2010 c1 4firefly114
Loved this! The beginning was catchy and it caught my attention. You used vivid details, which I liked. And I liked Matthew :) I liked how you ended it, but if you ever revisit this, I would add maybe one line or so. Nice work!
5/2/2010 c1 Daggerhart
I liked the detail that you used in your writing. It was informative and easy to imagine.

I enjoyed the read because you kept the whole thing mysterious until the very end.

I think that you could've explained the ending a bit better. It's a little unclear what had happened.

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