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for Enter the place in which we fall

8/4/2012 c1 3Kat Annie
Very intriguing. You don't follow any rules. And while your writing style is rebellious and abstract, you are still able to tell a compelling story without losing yourself. You know exactly where you are all the time. There isn't one word wasted.
2/4/2011 c1 6wordzRmagik-13
Fantstic job! I loved the rhythmic sense withim the poem and the deeper understanding behind the vivid words. It took a while to comprehend in the slightest what on earth was going on, but its an effective style and I throughly enjoyed it. Keep up the good work! :)

12/13/2010 c1 Your Secret Santa
Greetings from the North Pole!

I really enjoy the presence of "all and nothing". It's a very fascinating concept and you explain it very well in the first few lines of this piece. The lines about being deaf (or not) is delivered perfectly, very nice.

The description in this piece is fantastic! It's all very vivid and fun to imagine, especially the "shredded like tiny bits of cloth."

I also really like the repetition of the "I snap back" bits. Put that with the "They are coming." line and it really creates a real sense of urgency that the reader can just feel from all the repeating phrases.

Again, well done on this piece, I enjoyed the drastic emotion in this piece a lot. Great job!

Hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!


ps- Hello from Rudolph!
12/2/2010 c1 1esthaelum
OOh. I like the start. Yeah. Im small too. Im only five foot.

I like how this takes me a while to understand - NO, ITS NOT A BAD THING. Its like stream of quick thoughts, woven into one another. I can tell what she's going about, but also at the same time, I haven't a clue. I love how she also keeps correcting herself sometimes, it really does sound like her thoughts. The repetition on some words are also a good effect; it sounds like she's confirming the answer, making sure that her thoughts are correct.

I've read stories where they do this stream of thoughts, but most of the time, I got bored of reading them because they just didn't captivate me. But with this, it sounds poetic - and yet, it really does sound like thoughts, and not just a bunch of sentences. Im only only like the fifth paragraph, and so far, this is beautiful :D

*carries on reading*

'I am looking up into the eyes of the sea. The deep blue irises washing over me, calming me, calling me.'

- Oh... I really love this metaphor. Its so pretty to imagine the sea with blue eyes :D

I wonder if this is all a bunch of dreams..? It sounds like she's dreaming., since the scenes keep changing and she keeps 'snapping' back.

The boy died...? :(

I'm really intruiged as to what this is about... I have a feeling theyre running away from a bunch of people... And theres magic involved?

Oh! It's Moira! Is this connected to Shadows? I love how the end ends with 'him'. It's like it's the boys turn to experienced what she just did!

Anyway, this was an absolutely beautiful piece! I really enjoyed reading this, and I envy your writing skills.

9/19/2010 c1 30YasuRan
This... is brilliant. I'm so glad I read this.

The style you adopted, like a continous stream of thoughts that leap back and forth reminds me of one of my favorite novels, 'Beloved' by Toni Morrison. It has a wonderful flow to it which is not at all confusing, a pitfall that many others attempting the same would have fallen into. The repetition of 'small' and 'snap back' helps to illustrate the feeling of helplessness and, perhaps to some extent, the idea of being at mercy to greater powers in the cosmos.

Again, a great read. One that is both unique and stylish in both complexity of content and simplicity of prose. Well done :)
9/19/2010 c1 11berley
I can see that you are experimenting with this piece, I have no idea what the hell you are writing about, but I like it.

The short sentences were great. It was almost poetic and had a really nice flow as I read it. The imagery was good as well. I found as I read the piece I would get a set of images in my head, but then they would completely change as I went on. I really liked it. I also liked how the ending mirrored the beginning, but with the boy now instead of the narrator.

I adore experimentation, and you definitely pulled it off with this piece!
9/19/2010 c1 45deefective

I was not expecting this at all but it was a fantastic surprise. Lovely, lovely, lovely prose right here. Gahd. Where do I start?

Opening: I love single sentence openings just because they're so dramatic and powerful. In that one line, you can tell a shitload and at the same time, nothing at all. I really liked the way you started this, especially the line after the first one. The repetition was almost hypnotizing and it set the tone quite nicely. Right away, I wanted to know "where, when, what, why?" You know how to catch the eye.

Ending: Lovely as well. The switch from the narrator to the boy was great. Especially since her primary actions (the being small and snapping back) are mirrored by him. Way to end on such a powerful line. I really liked that actually because not only is it a great ending but it opens up a whole other can of questions.

Scene: See, what I liked about this was the jumbled mess that it was. There is no clear cut vision of where whatever is going on is going on. It's all over the place in this beautiful kind of poetic way. I'm so glad you didn't go into any specifics at all. It would've dragged down the rest of the piece and the ambiguity fits this just fine.

Dialogue: NONE! Which was great. Usually, if I saw a piece that wasn't poetry without real dialogue and just a big mass of text, I'd want to skim it but there didn't need to be at all in this.

Writing: I love the writing style you chose to go with on this. It reads very modern and new-agey. Experimental, really. And it definitely made the piece. I saw a lot of poetry in this which just gets an automatic 'kickass' in my book. And like I said before, the repetition was great and the snapping back and forth; fantastic idea! There were a lot of good parts but one of my favorites was:

"I snap back.

I am small.

I snap back.

I am running again."

Maybe it's just me, but dang, woman.

Spelling/Grammar: Two spots.

"Sweat trickles down into my eyes and [burn] them."

I believe it's [burns].

And, I forget where the other one was. No biggie.

Enjoyment: I fully enjoyed reading this. What a great story-not-story. Haha, it's mysterious in this magical kind of way and this was one mighty fine piece. Nicely done.
9/17/2010 c1 16Serendipitist Swan
This has a bit of a poetic style. I like it though I have to admit, I'm not sure what exactly is going on.

I love the introduction.

"I am small not because I think I am small, and I am small not because I feel that I am small. I am small because I have come to place where all have come to. I have come to the place where all will come to. I have come to the place where I am now and I have entered through a place that is like a place in which we fall."

It has a repetitive quality that really stands out.

"I am looking up into the eyes of the sea. The deep blue irises washing over me, calming me, calling me."

Same for this line. It made me feel nostalgic for the beach. The sea provides a lot of my inspiration so I know what it means when the ocean is calling you.

-Swan, from the Roadhouse
6/26/2010 c1 this wild abyss
From the Roahouse:

- “I am small because I have come to place where all [have] come to.” Considering that this is written in present tense, the bracketed word doesn’t fit with the rest of the words. Also, I think that in place of ‘have’, you could put in a noun, like ‘souls’ or ‘bodies’ or ‘people’, whichever you prefer.

- “[My] lungs that scream for me to stop.” I would get rid of the ‘my’. It doesn’t really flow with the sentence. And in the next two sentences, I would get rid of ‘that’ from the beginning.

- Your repetition of ‘I snap back.’ is effective, but I don’t really understand what it’s supposed to mean. I like it and don’t like it, if that makes sense.

- “…the eyes of the sea.” Good line

Okay, this was indeed different. I liked how the storyline was vague and hard to decipher, it kept me interested. The disjointed sentences all flowed together beautifully, and your repetition and style was amazing. This experiment proved true, I think.
6/24/2010 c1 16Creeping Collarbones
The no qoutatios is different. I read another story without them and it added to the piece. So 'm excited to read this...

The beginning is... interesting. This is a lot like prose poetry.

I feel warm. No, not warm. There is no temperature and there is no light. There is no size, no form, no sound.- This is vry thought provoking.

The lungs that I can feel being shredded like tiny bits of cloth.- I like this.

The lack of long paragraphs add to the tension and make more intense, I think.

Stop what.- Shouldn't there be a question mark and not a period?

This was pretty good. It add a lot of nice imagery. For an experiment, I'd call it a sucess. (:
6/23/2010 c1 9Greatheart
Very interesting. Overall, I like it. Some of your prose is very evocative.

I got the impression that the narrator was "snapping back" between two places. I thought that there was a difference between the tone of your writing in what I assume is "the place in which we fall" and when she was with the boy. I don't know if this was on purpose, but I got the impression that it wasn't. You would go from more formal, simplistic language to more informal clunkier language (i.e. with the boy). The change kind of interrupted the flow between the "scenes." (I'm sorry if that didn't make any sense...I'm really tired today...)

Also, I generally like the idea of the call of the magic morphing into the boy calling her name, but at the same time, it can come across as a tad contrived.

As an experiment, I'd call it a success! The style vaguely reminding me of Cormac McCarthy's THE ROAD, which I would suggest you check out if you want to do more in this style.
6/18/2010 c1 12silverbluu
Hey Liana, this is an interesting experimental piece. It feels like a hybrid of story and poem. (If this is what you were going for then good. Otherwise choose poem)

Your tempo and flow feels like it changes some from start to end. (I'm basing this on the lines that contain snaps) Consider grouping rhythms/ themes together for more structure. The words that you emphasize are scattered throughout until the very end. Consider adding an emphasis towards the last few lines.

That's all I can think of at the moment.

- Silver
6/15/2010 c1 6ranDUMM

Companion piece to Shadows? Yes please! :)

Hmm, experimental indeed. I'm not really sure how to review this one... After reading this, I looked at it for several seconds, just trying to figure out where you were coming from. Honestly? I couldn't figure it out :P

But I think I got the gist of it. The repetition of 'snap back' was good - it really drove in the key idea that you were trying to get across (what that key idea was is another issue - whatever it was, the way you tried to express it was done in an awesome way).

Also - I figured maybe it isn't a companion piece, or prologue or whatever. Because that would mean Sullivan (it is Sullivan right?) would be dead, and he sure as hell isn't dead. Wait scratch that, the newest chapter of Shadows says that he is indeed dead so...

Oh man, I'm confused, my brain hurts. It's midnight, and I want to review all your stories before going to bed, so excuse me for being slightly delusional.

Okay, I thinking I'm just going on and on now. This really was written really well. If I was to sit down and dissect the piece completely, I think that it would realy REALLY awesome, mainly because of the unique way you wrote it.

Okay ranDUMM onto the next story before she dies of fatigue (stayed up until 2 yesterday... which is late for me)
6/8/2010 c1 23AvidWriter-92
I liked this one a lot, too. :) It has a really good rhythm to it, and It's very interesting to read about. I liked the whole, "I am small, I snap back," thing... It made me think. :)

Your descriptions in here were awesome too. I could feel how she was feeling, with very little words.

It's almost like poetry, now that I think about it. :)

Usually, I don't like things that have a bunch of choppy sentences in them, but I felt like it worked here, so Kudos for that. :)

The ending wrapped everything up nicely, and I sort of thought it was like a never ending circle of becoming small and being light. :)

Great job!

~Avid. :) Roadhouse.
5/13/2010 c1 14improvisationallychallenged
I have no idea what was going on, but this was still highly engaging.

The repetition of key words in the opening section didn't really do it for me, although it definitely had a strong, unconventional, experimental feel. However, the use of 'I snap back', was brilliant. The fact you left exactly what that meant to the reader's interpretation gives the whole piece a very surreal, fragmented, dream-like quality.

When it gets to the action, the set-up has done it's job. It feels like you are truly inside the skin of another person - a very confused, disorientated, troubled person.

I haven't actually read Shadows, but this was just too intruiging. Having read this, I may have to go and check it out.

From WRR
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