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for A Vampire's Rant

10/24/2011 c1 4jinx1764
This definitely got my attention right off with the blunt first sentence. The sarcastic, resigned tone was obvious immediately, which isn't the typical opener for most stories and I like sarcastic humor so that drew me in quickly.

Your main character, whom you've yet to name, I'm already interested in know more other than she's female and a reluctant vampire. Why did the vampire choose her? What is special about her that he wants her? How did he become a vampire? Was he chosen a similar way? You've made me ask questions that I want answered.

Your plot is unique, a different sort of vampire story, especially with the method of turning with the 'glob of spit'. And who accepts such an activity with a stranger on a dare? Frightening, and yet I accept as believable since I've seen many people do worse things on dares under the influence. It also begs the question: what is different about your vampires?

Your grammar and sentence structure needs more editing. A few misspellings (you're instead of your), excessive wordiness which should be tightened (the word 'that' can be eliminated 90% of the time), and some better rephrasing and/or punctuation usage in other areas. Overall it's close, but needs polishing to bring it to speed.

reviewed for the review game
5/27/2011 c2 12Deedee Elle
Great opening, I loved the gore and some of your descriptions 'slimy infected gob' for example. Hope this is going to go further.
5/25/2011 c1 1Souffle Girl
I love this opening! It's intense, disgusting, original, and a great take on vampires. I'm so tired of seeing sissy vampires, who don't even all suck (human) blood.

The writing style is perfect for the piece. It's gritty, detailed, and on the whole, makes me never want to become a vampire, and read a lot more on vampires, haha.

And oh my goodness, that last line! It was brilliant. I love it.

Oh, and here's some boring grammar:

"smears you're brain" should be 'your brain.'

"who/what/where you are" personally, I'm not a big fan of the slashes. I think it might sound better as something like "who, what, or where you are." But that's a style thing, so it's totally up to you!

(from WRR)
3/20/2011 c2 6The Saturday Storytellers
My initial instinct is that Paul is the vampire who turned our own. And it looks like I'm right. She's still not keen on him, not one bit. But it has raised an issue: vampires are referred to as immortal, but can they be killed? And if a human could never manage it, could another vampire?

And how?

I'm reading on with interest.

"He told me we'd met four times before I got off my tits and let him suck my blood. He'd been hiding behind a different name each time." Sounds to me like he had too much time on his hands.

So he could have killed her rather than infected her, and that also raises a question: how does a vampire infect a person?

"He says it's because we're kindred spirits – he saw into my soul, and it burned him to the bone." The more your vampire quotes Paul, the more I think he's just a pretentious git who'se trying to make the most of being a vampire. I'm surprised he hasn't changed his name to something with a bit more va va voom.

And Paul's declaration that she was the girl for him - yet another undead-style question. What is the male and female sexual response of a vampire like, or if there is none at all, what place do gender-based relationships take in a vampire's (un)life?

A-ha! So a vampire can use alcohol in her system! I've thought about this before so I'm glad someone else has. Maybe it'd turn out that almost every vampire story-writer has, too, but then I'm not a massive vampire fan.

"You're so ungrateful. You don't know how lucky you are that I chose you. I have girl's queuing up for me to love them like I love you." Just to say, there shouldn't be an apostrophe in 'girls'. But this proves again what a pathetic boy-child Paul is. He really is trying to maximise his hold on your character.

I wonder, though: why is Paul all your character's got? I realise she must have had to say goodbye to her family and so on, but couldn't she strike out on her own?

"how many other people out there can you genuinely say adore you that much?" Conclusion: he's a man-bitch.

Sad story, this. But I'd hope that Georgia would one day turn her back completely on Paul and look for something else. There must be other vampires for her to mix with? Or if she gets to hating him that much, would solitude be better? I gather that her moral code is such that she wouldn't dream of making a new vampire as company for herself, so I don't think that's an option.

This has been an interesting piece. Thanks for an intriguing read!

- From We Return Reviews.
3/20/2011 c1 The Saturday Storytellers
Ah, so I read this first paragraph and think: yes! I mean, vampires are often portrayed essentially as being super-alive rather than undead. Stronger, faster, more vital, better-looking, predatory (as opposed to normal humans' omnivorousness), possibly with the power of flight... or infamously, the power of sparkle. But the truth is, there'd most likely be a penalty. Perhaps quite a few. So if this is going to be about a vampire coping with weakness associated with its vampiric status, this will be interesting!

You start with the physical appearance. We're seeing the slim theme again: your vampire, like the conventional Mary Sue-ish ones, are slim. By the way, was there ever an obese vampire? Hmm. But anyway, rather than being slinky and hot, your vampires are drawn and hollowed.

"...wracked by a pain that smears you're brain into useless putty..." I think you've picked the wrong your, here.

The pins and needles sounds horrible, but now that you mention it, it sounds quite feasable. That particular paragraph would be improved, I think, for giving some explanation of why the pins and needles stop, and what happens to your brain *after* its been a useless mush. Of course, you could just not explain that, but after the realistic-seeming skin colour/hair/weight paragraph, it feels a bit less thought-through.

Ah, yes: I do like the one that follows: the exhaustion and the difficulty in eating 'normal' food. The exhaustion I can feel as you've written it, and the normal food would, of course, just rot in an undead person's stomach, not moving any further, just wreaking havoc howsoever it may. I think there are two possibilities, here: one is that the half-dead vampire's body would actively reject the food, the other is more as I just said (and sorry about that: I got stuck in my own train of thought), where the body would ignore the food and it would just sit there decomposing.

That way, food could be lethal, I guess.

Ah, so your undeads are dead enough that they really do rot. And the, erm, 'exit' you mention sounds awful.

And the physical addiction to feeding. Nasty, sexy, painful, ecstatic. Who'd choose to be a vampire?

The dog story is a bit of a diversion, it's got a different mood to the how-bad-it-is-to-be-undead bit. That's no bad thing, but it feels like a slightly different mood. It normalises your vampire, I think. It works, for me.

And then we go on to hear the story of how your vampire became one, that it was the plan of an existing vampire chose your human to make (her? I'm not sure) into one. And this vampire had some grandiose idea about being the scourge of humanity. But that feels dissonant with the story you've been telling so far. What you've said up to this point is describe the ill-effects of vampirism, as if you were describing the ill-effects of diabetes, or MS or whatever. As if it doesn't have a point, it's just one of those things. But this visiting vampire seems to have a broader point to his existence, and he wanted a companion. There's plenty of space in your story for you to be simply complaining of being a vampire and there's more to it than that (that you simply chose not to mention), but this vampire seems to have a different raison d'etre to yours.

And would one want to go through all that physical unpleasantness without anything worthwhile to achieve? With an addictive thirst like that, perhaps appointing oneself as a scourge of humanity is a coping technique.

And then you move on to say that 'we are not suave, sophisticated creatures but junkies. Nothing more', which to me, reinforces the idea that the scourge of humanity thing is just a coping mechanism.

And you finish by saying, 'our victims could do more with their lives than we could, but we're the ones with the fangs'. Such is the unfairness of life sometimes. How many nobel winners have died, starving or AIDS or malaria-infected or whatever else, in the developing world? That's just the way it goes.

- From We Return Reviews.
3/4/2011 c1 1StoryMonster
I liked the half-comedy thing to it, it made it fun to read and not too morbid!

Your description was great too.

Your grammar and punctuation needs to be fixed here and there but other than that, excellent.

1/25/2011 c1 8Adrenalin

Wonderful introduction. That first sentence really sets the tone of the piece and of your character. I'm rather fond of first-person narrative since you really get inside the protagonist's mind when it's well used (which is the case here).

I also liked the half-comedy half-tragedy part of that piece. I particularly liked her description her thirst by comparing it to her vacuum-dog, and "It's hard to appreciate any new people you meet when all you want to do is stick a big, sharp straw in their carotid and guzzle down all you can before they die."

I felt the description of how she ended up a vampire was a bit short and could have stood some developpement. The end was sad and maybe a bit abrupt. You go straight from her dealing with the aftermath of her own stupidity to a general conclusion about vampires and what they are.
10/10/2010 c2 4lookingwest
Oi! Cyber-muffins! Yay! *takes and munches one*

"how many other people..."

-Edit: would capitalize "How"

Wow, nice little development here! I'm really super duper hoping that this doesn't leave this out-of-nominations for La Camp because it technically has this second chapter...hmm...I don't think it will, though, since you wrote the Ch. 1 with *intentions* of it being a one-shot, so maybe I'm just worrying unnecessarily about my baby one-shot nom ^^

I liked this character portrait of Paul. I didn't get this huge visual of him, really, he just sort of seemed like the stand in for most icky Sire vampires, but I like that you focused not on this description or detail of physical appearance, but more built him up with his words and his actions. He's quite a slime ball, for sure. And I also liked the introduction with "I've tried to kill him four times now." I did expect her to go into detail with how she tried to kill him, but that's okay that she decided not to, because those could be cause for four separate elaborated stories not to be touched briefly upon. It's great it was mentioned though.

I also liked the little bits of information about your vampires, and the detail about the change, what our MC narrator looks like, and then also the kind of prey she prefers. All of this came together quite nicely. It was wonderful to see this extended! I hope there will be more, right? :D
5/21/2010 c1 13Your-Magpie
the opener was really concise, and gave you a quick intro to the piece, great sentence starter!

and i liked the hesitation "whatever it is exactly" Gave a nice character.

concave is like one of my very favourite words, so i was like YAY you used it! anyway...

this paragraph was full of really vivid imagery- i guess its the case when you use colours in your description.

the repetition of the beginning of the paragraphs is too, yet again gives light humour and adds character to your writing.

liked the bit about tasteless lettuce, but i must say LIMP lettuce would be much better.


think that the bit about the chunk of innards builds up in really good tension, but anti-climaxes too early- the bit about it 'might be all getting bearable again' i would change this to something adding to the gore, so then the sentence of 'all just the beginning' would be snappier and sharper.

the anecdotal metaphor was really sweet, and interesting, gave a backstory to your girl.

i also really liked the way in which she was 'turned' into a vampire, a really nice backstory.

The end wrapped it up nice, that was good.

overall, i enjoyed your piece, and i would really like to see you write more of this.

and thanks for the cyber-cookie :3
5/20/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
I usually steer clear of Vampires (you would too, if you had classmates that give shrieks of insane delight at every promo of twilight series. Ew.) but I actually read this one. :D

I like the way you put forward you point. The sentences are clean, simple and precise. The whole idea about vampires being 'lords of the night' and their whole drawing the prey near with elaborate tricks and taunts and suitable 'horror' element was blown to bits.

In the popular myth vampires are equated to blood, gore seduction and mystery. But the reality can always be something different. I find that this holds true for many things in our life.

The allegory of the day was well used.Especially the part regarding 'cause dogs always go a little crazy around their food'.

I absolutely love this story. There was 'pity' but it did nothing to mar the horror element. And the last line? - Perfect! :D
5/13/2010 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
I loved the narrator's voice in this. He was so intense, and he made me hang on every word, and made every sentence believable.

This was a neat idea. I liked to twist, as it just gives a whole new meaning to the mythological creatures. Although I'm sure someone's done a little in the field of the negative side of vampires, it's interesting to see how legit a vampire story could be if people really, you know, tried. :P
5/13/2010 c1 4lookingwest
This should be fun, XD From WRR or wherever, haha

I sat down and read this without stopping, which I normally don't do, so hopefully I can still get some depth here of what I liked. Your word choice is amazing throughout the entire piece, it's so gritty and detailed in some parts, usually concerning the change, ect, that just isn't glamorous in the least. It's very sad. I would never want to be a vampire, Bella can go screw herself, XD. This really captures a darker side to the whole "vampire" myth too. I mean, the woe-is-me vampire thing has been done before, Louis from Anne Rice, for instance, but here I think you've captured something else. She's not going "woe-is-me" she's just kind of approaching it with, "let me explain to you want this is so you can better understand, let me rant to you about what happened, do with the information whatever you will, I don't care"-or at least that's how it came off to me, and that's how it becomes unique and set apart from say, Rice's Louis. I found no spelling or grammatical errors that stuck out to me, not even comma placements, so it was a very smooth read for such a rant.

The allegory about the dog was well-placed. I wouldn't have expected to see it here but it was a really good analogy, and very frightening. You're right that there is an amount of horror to it, parts about the change made me cringe, like a good chuck of innards being puked up D: This rant has the traces of the attitude I adopted with the idea of a "zombie-vampire" kind of thing, instead of the devious Lestat type I used to write about years ago. So I liked the perspective. And I liked the tone of the rant. It wasn't directly woe-is-me. And the editing was superb :D Pretty good for what you write when you're not feeling hot, XD *proceeds to enjoy cyber-cookie*

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