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for The Matthews Scenario

1/3/2012 c1 FablesThings
been waiting 4 a while, want an update!
9/25/2011 c4 J.Szewczuk
Just some nitpicks before I get started practised=practiced.

Think you might have missed a word in this sentence: You those hats where drinks are attached by a tube?

Don't think "is" was supposed to be in this sentence: Okay Layne, you've been watching WAY too much Harry Potter. Now you're is even quoting Vernon!

OK, done witht he nitpicks and onto the review!

The game seemed too short to me. I realize maybe you were trying to move the story along, but if it's going to be that short it makes me wonder why it's there at all.

Your banter between the characters is nice. It reminds me of how my friends and I used to act when we were younger.
9/25/2011 c3 J.Szewczuk
I like that there is a lot of internal thought with the Lay. She is constantly thinking and her mind seems to be in some sort of overdrive.

I liked the introduction of Chase. Not sure why, but I have a feeling I am going to like him.

Noticed you use a lot of parenthesis and brackets in your writing. They seem to set the thoughts and writing off too much and make it not flow as smoothly. Perhaps just setting those sections off with commas or explaining in a different sentence.
9/25/2011 c2 J.Szewczuk
I can't help but questioning this, "I ran up to them and picked Larissa up by the waist with one arm." By 3rd grade children are getting rather large, around 50lbs or so. It just stood out like crazy.

The ending of this chapter didn't really draw me in or make me want to read more. I suppose the end of every chapter can't be a cliffhanger, but calculus isn't something that would make most people be eager to continue.
9/25/2011 c1 J.Szewczuk
I like how the writing appears to be more free thought than storytelling. It makes the story more easily read and not so dull or boring.

No major spelling or grammatical issues, though you do miss the stray comma here and there.

I do wish you had some more description in this chapter. I can visualize Annabelle just fine, but I can't picture the school at all.
9/19/2011 c1 13gigglebug
[It's about not as fair as] I would suggest 'it's about as not-fair as' or otherwise omit about.

You've got a really interesting narration style happening here, I like it. Just one thing to take note of while I'm on the subject, if you start out this silly and tend to wander all over the place, make sure that you keep up with it. I haven't read enough to know if you keep up with it, but just in case you're working on something new in the pipes a consistent narration is really important.

[to knowthat?] silly FP, taking out spaces are italics. XD it does this for the rest of the italic'd bits as well, so I'd go through and fix those.

[man.."] weird note, if you end with an ellipse and pick up in a new sentence, you actually need four dots to show that. three if you're going to add a dialogue tag at the end. weird, I know.

[Annabelle. I call her Ann, Belle, Anna, Annie, Bella, and the variations of her name go on.] Ehh. I feel like you're just spouting a grocery list of nicknames at me. Maybe instead of telling us all the names that layne likes to use as nicknames, you can have a bit of dialogue later that has the character rambling off all the nicknames instead. That way you can show it rather than just leave it out where the reader could forget about it.

[not a minute too early] totally a personal preference, but the figure of speech I'm familiar with is 'not a minute too soon'.

[Lay, honey,] d'you talk to your friends like this? if not, I'd try reading the dialogue out loud to make it sound more natural. I don't know anybody, never mind in high school, who calls anybody else "honey".

... are you sure this is high school and not college? what 14 year old goes to a party where booze is involved and almost gets laid? :\

[He was, to say the least,] the last time you used this kind of phrase, you put 'was' after the phrase. for consistency's sake I'd change one to be the same as the other.

I dunno about you, but I hardly ever use my friend's names quite that often when I'm speaking to them.

hello, too-much-backstory/information-at-once Jack.

[(Note sarcasm).] period needs to go inside the parenthesis,

[All the other members of our table fell silent] all two of them? XD

good cliffhanger there, I think readers will definitely wanna keep reading to see what happens next.

9/10/2011 c8 1Hoor-al-Ayn
Awesome story! I just read it all in one sitting. Hope you update quick!
9/3/2011 c8 1dasdhksdladj
Hello again! Don't know if you remember me, but due to a hectic schedule, I had to disappear. But I'm not here to give excuses, I'm here to review your latest chapter! :D

Okay, so the opening line made me laugh. Wonderful play off the "if a tree falls and no one hears it" line.

-"that's exactly how bored I am in what was The Most Boring Class Ever." you've made a tense mistake here! May I offer a suggestion for re-wording? "that's exactly how bored I was in The Most Boring Class Ever."

The pay-per-view porn line made me laugh, too. Oh gosh, I love Rea's attitude. :P

-"He stuck up for us kids more than once against the school board" "He" should be "He'd" or "He had" because you're talking about something that has happened both in the past and the present.

-"I don't mean in bed" "don't" should be "didn't". I loved this line, by the way. Makes me a little nostalgic of my High School days. Aah High School, the place where every hot guy is a man-slut by default. :P

-"she hangs out with her twin brother and his best friends all her life" this is in present tense, I would start this sentence with "she'd hung out with"

-"Who wouldn't think otherwise?" You've actually just said that a lot of people would think otherwise. "wouldn't" should be "would". :)

I hope you didn't mind my nit-picking, just me trying to help out :P Great chapter, the tension is definitely building, and I can't wait to read how things turn out at the dance, or if Matthews will decide to start talking to Layne again. Well done, can't wait for the next chapter! :D
7/12/2011 c8 3thenutrunningthenuthouse
I can't believe that I never reviewed this! D: I swear, this is such an annoying thing with me! I need to start alerting stories, darnit!

["Just call him a man-slut, Mr. Hawkins." I blurted out.] nice line, Layne. Nice line. XD

So weird, cause I swear that I already read this chapter months ago, but whatever! I'll just review it now, right?

Oh, how I've missed your characters and their random wacky lines. Seriously, Layne should write a book about ducks and that "have I slept with you?" line was pretty funny. Ugh, I'm sorry I don;t have enough to say yet! I'm out of it. -_-

Bhaha, I like Maddox. He's funny and his f***ing A line as a parting gesture...haha I'd love to meet that guy! PLus, their whole conversation about an idea for fund raising was pretty great. Of course the school would trust them with all this, wouldn't they? Surprised they didn't recommend a more Vegas-y form of making money. xD

Anyway, geez, I'm sorry about reviewing this late! I promise that it won't happen again!
6/28/2011 c8 5Alias Blue
Hiya – I'm back!

First of all – a book about ducks would be brilliant. :) My ducklings at home have hatched now – they're the cutest!

I have to say I missed Layne's narration and your story so much. The “only to see her struggling to make a free throw. Fail,” line made me laugh so much. And cue contented sigh. :P

My P.E teacher at high school was ACTUALLY called Harry Potter, and I am not joking. Had us giggling the entire five years.

I didn't quite understand her reference to “The Others” - although I did immediately do the ominous tone. Haha. I assume she means the others who were called by the principal.

I do like her banter with the principal. It seems to fit with the quirkiness of this whole environment. Even though I've actually had a head-teacher who was really quirky like that, I would say that realistically he would have some professional restraint, especially in serious situations. And it might be an opportunity to show off a different writing style, rather than having him talk like the kids.

"Just call him a man-slut, Mr. Hawkins." I blurted out.

And Woah! I can understand that from Layne, but even she must have some kind of respect for authority figures? And surely an outburst like that would involve a telling-off, even just a little defence of Matthews from the Principal? – if he says nothing it's like he's agreeing with her. And talk about unprofessional. Sleeping on the job.

And I find her little conversation about her principal's hotness slightly creepy if I'm honest, because I'm imagining him as fairly old. :S

“and she hated me for being an –

"Insolent child." She muttered”

I love the way you structured that.

“I swear, there was background music and everything. The wind in their hair, flying about, you know the drill.” Oh, makes me laugh!

Phew Damon – their school is just full of hot guys, isn't it?

I just love all your dialogue – it's so smooth and easy to read, really realistic with all the quips of high-school. I don't know how you do it. I like how you've characterised Matthew's gang, I have a great image of these snearing guys and Gretchen. Maddox is a great new character, I think he brings a tension that I like, because I think he could be quite a nasty piece of work.

I haven't figured out why Matthews is part of the fund-raising team though – what does he do?

I really enjoyed that chapter – it was so lovely to read again.

- Alias
6/13/2011 c6 5Dr. Self Destruct
I'm glad you brought J back into the story. I like his character - he's nice, funny, and doesn't act like a jackass like a lot of guys do. It's always nice to see a platonic relationship between people of the opposite sex. When I was growing up, I always had guy friends instead of girl friends. I guess it is my affinity for video games and computers that was to blame, but whatever. I never liked drama too much, and from what I've experienced, guys have a lot less drama in high school.

I'm starting to think Layne is going a little crazy, what with those voices she keeps hearing! Haha, just kidding. They're a nice addition to the story - it shows how she toils with her own decisions. She has to balance the image she wishes to uphold, as well as her own morals. It can be quite a challenging thing to do.

Hmm, not really sure what I think of the new kid yet. I like how you made him come to the States from another country - kinda puts a spin on his character. I like his name, too, regardless if it's so 'formal'. ^.-
6/13/2011 c5 Dr. Self Destruct
I'm actually relieved to see Layne not enjoy the prospect of the party she describes in the beginning. It makes her character a bit better to relate to, and also shows the peer pressure teenagers her age have to face while in high school. I think you do a good job in portraying all the typical high school personalities of the people around Layne; their rumor spreading, their gossip, and their assumptions makes the setting very believable. Fortunately for me, I don't think I ever had to deal with too much high school drama - I mostly just sat at home with some friends and played video games all day (NERDNERDNERDNERD!).

That was pretty funny when Layne got drunk! Well, actually, I guess I shouldn't be saying it's funny because it turns out she was drugged. D: But it WAS funny until I knew it was drugs and not alcohol. Good thing Mathews was there to protect her, all cuddly and romantic like. :3

Hmm, I wonder if Rea sneaking off in the beginning of that party has anything to do with the drugged drink. Probably not, but who knows? I'm always the paranoid suspicious reader. :D

Good job, I think this is my favorite chapter thus far. ^-^
6/12/2011 c4 Dr. Self Destruct
Ah, once again you pull me into the nostalgia of my high school days; nostalgia that I didn't know I still had. I try to tell myself I hated high school, that I would never go back again if given the chance, but I think I'm just lying to myself. Your descriptions of the soccer game really bring me back... wow, eight years, now. I feel so old.

Funny story. One of the only football games I ever went to? Yeah, a guy ran butt-ass-naked through the field during halftime, jumped the fence to the school grounds, and took off in the woods out back from the school. It made my attendance TOTALLY worth it.

Haha, good to see you use the Angel/Demon motif again. Just as before, it is still entertaining. :3 I think I'd have to agree with the devil on this one - she should go over there and give him a good old 'one-two one-two'.

I like the suspense you built up with the way you described the end of the game. I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see if Chase would score. Glad he did! :D

Poor Layne. Poor, poor Layne.
6/9/2011 c3 Dr. Self Destruct
Oh hai thar! :D

I am so jealous of Layne enjoying mathematics. That's always been my weakest subject, but I think that's because I have a habit of over-analyzing things. I think it's an interesting hobby to give your character - it shows that academics really mean a lot to her, as well as her willingness to tutor her fellow classmates (the hot ones especially :D).

Damn, she's had a pretty hard life. Layne must be a very strong person to be able to survive through all the stress of an alcoholic father, a deceased mother, and taking care of her siblings. I'm glad you put some hardships on her, though. It makes her character more three-dimensional, considering she has experienced her own fair share of tragedy. Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? ^-^

I enjoyed the little part where you went into the Devil and Angel talking on her shoulders. It was a great way to personify her indecisiveness, and it was also fun to read. :D
6/6/2011 c3 Boy at War
"I guess it was in the genes, because my dad was a Math major"

I find this a littte hard to believe since her father is a doctor, it seems like he would also have a degree in some field of medicine instead of in math.

"I had a class with another sophomore my age, in a few minutes: Chase Hudson"

This seems odd, if freshmen year was two years ago and eighth grade three then how could she be a sophmore? Wouldn't she be a junior?

"Anyhow, Chase, being the captain and lead scoring player of our soccer team, refused to allow star player of Westam, a.k.a. Mathews, to join the team. That obviously led to bitter arguments. But Chase refused to budge. Somehow, Ryan's motto of 'What Mathews wants, Mathews gets' didn't apply here, and boy, was his ego bruised."

It seems unlikely that as a freshmen, Chase would already be captain of the soccer team, and it seems even odder that the captain of the soccer team would be able to decide who is on and who isnt instead of the coaches.
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