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for The Kingdom of Rain

12/3/2010 c34 deadgummiegirl
I really liked this chapter, but of course I like all of the chapters. I also really like Jennifer, hope she sticks around. Here's a random question: Is it wierd that I picture all of the characters in the Kingdoms to be British? That just seems like it would make sense. :)
11/26/2010 c33 2tambourinegoddess
OH MAN. That was my reaction this chapter haha. I can't wait until we get to meet Jennifer. This is all very excited :D
11/23/2010 c32 McFisticuffs
EPIC! I love the style of this story. i haven't been keeping up very well i stoped reading for a bit but i'm glad i came back. so good. i wish lawson would come back he's still my favorite though i like phinn and turner to i even kidna like sage. i like them all! you make the characters so reall and fun and likeable

11/22/2010 c32 Cassie
This is one of the most interesting things I have read on this site. I do hope you continue with it because the plot and characters are just so breathtaking to me. Currently Phinn is my favorite (and maybe Sage too :P). I have a soft spot for those types of characters.
11/20/2010 c32 deadgummiegirl
Great chapter as always but, OH ELENA! So naive, I knew the moment Phinn said he was going to the dungeon she was gonna get stuck in there with him again. I love how absolutely crazy all of these people are. :)
11/16/2010 c31 10raped by a female bunni
AH! great! you had my hooked by the first chapter.

this was too awesome for words, i love the narrative, gives the story an upbeat vibe.

i feel really sorry Phinn, who im suprisingly starting to like.

my fav out of the brothers though is Lawson, he's really cute and i think he genuinely likes Elena, which makes me frustrated every time she runs away with turner!

hope to see a new chapter soon!
8/9/2010 c23 deadgummiegirl
This story deserves way more reviews than what you have. Its fantastic. It has everything you would want in a good story. Action, suspense, and the possibility of romance. Not that you don't already know how good it is, you're a fantastic writer.
7/19/2010 c1 3naito-kun
'In fact, she was really more the type of jovial and funny person.' somehow i thought this felt a little awkward, maybe 'In fact, she was really more like the jovial and funny type of person' would sound better?

'What sort of thing to say is that?' i get what you mean here, but it sounded a little... off to me. like maybe 'what a thing to say' would've been better, although i guess the impact wouldn't be as great.

i like your narrative voice in this story and oh man, i do hope elena regains her ability to express her creativity!
7/16/2010 c17 annon
oo awesome! lawson was so cute in thsi chapter. "Lawson appeared to think that simply repeating Elena's question was a good enough answer."

haha. so was turner. a bit of a disfunctional family
7/14/2010 c16 2tambourinegoddess
Oh mann :D I'm so excited about what's going to happen next. So much intrigue!
7/14/2010 c13 tambourinegoddess
sbsbsjsjsnehjjbjbjvc! This story is so good :D I love the plot and the mystery! What's real? Even I don't know haha. Excellent job!
7/4/2010 c13 annon
really cute. i knew i liked turner best
7/1/2010 c12 annon
i cant wait to see how different hail is from rain
6/27/2010 c11 annon
this part:

Turner appeared thoughtful for a few moments, and then threw his arms in the air (figuratively, not literally) to show he didn't have a clue.

cracked me up. love turner. lawson's so cute all sleepy. great cliff hanger funny
6/27/2010 c1 5karma-dollie
I just think you should know that your summary is captivating so kudos. It can be hard to write a limited summary and draw people in, but I was very intrigued. I think you have a compelling plot.

That being said, the narrative form takes away from this great idea a bit. I'm all for humor in the narration. I feel like narration gives the author a bit of a voice in the story that is really about his/her characters. When it gets over the top, though, it detracts rather than enhances.

[But, naturally, there were always those moments when butterflies would carelessly flutter out in front of her car where she was driving and splatter against the windshield,] I love this line! It's subtle and gives a dark humor element.

[Normally, you're not supposed to approach handsome strangers in suspicious cars (or anyone in suspicious cars, or any kind of car—just stay away from cars and people, in general)] This one gets to be a little too much. And some of the narration is too casual and conversational so I can't take the story seriously at those moments.

Lastly, as a good friend of mine taught me: show, don't tell. Some of the paragraphs describing Elena's past and her town read like info dumps. Instead of saying she tells certain kinds of jokes, put her in the situation. Instead of bogging the reader down with what her town is like and how everyone knows each other, let her drive through it and meet the neighbors who are maybe talking to each other over the morning paper or peeking over a garden hedge to eavesdrop.

I think you have a great story in the works here. Watch for typos and telling, but overall, good start!

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