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for The Kingdom of Rain

6/27/2010 c1 5karma-dollie
I just think you should know that your summary is captivating so kudos. It can be hard to write a limited summary and draw people in, but I was very intrigued. I think you have a compelling plot.

That being said, the narrative form takes away from this great idea a bit. I'm all for humor in the narration. I feel like narration gives the author a bit of a voice in the story that is really about his/her characters. When it gets over the top, though, it detracts rather than enhances.

[But, naturally, there were always those moments when butterflies would carelessly flutter out in front of her car where she was driving and splatter against the windshield,] I love this line! It's subtle and gives a dark humor element.

[Normally, you're not supposed to approach handsome strangers in suspicious cars (or anyone in suspicious cars, or any kind of car—just stay away from cars and people, in general)] This one gets to be a little too much. And some of the narration is too casual and conversational so I can't take the story seriously at those moments.

Lastly, as a good friend of mine taught me: show, don't tell. Some of the paragraphs describing Elena's past and her town read like info dumps. Instead of saying she tells certain kinds of jokes, put her in the situation. Instead of bogging the reader down with what her town is like and how everyone knows each other, let her drive through it and meet the neighbors who are maybe talking to each other over the morning paper or peeking over a garden hedge to eavesdrop.

I think you have a great story in the works here. Watch for typos and telling, but overall, good start!

6/26/2010 c10 McFisticuffs
see, at first, i was like: "White! Just like turner!" and then it was like BAM it IS turner. cool.
6/26/2010 c10 annon
really interesting twist. love it
6/22/2010 c10 2StripedSoxsGrl
I am so addicted to this now haha. The narration is so wry and hilarious. The characters are funny too (sociopath Lawson is my favorite though haha). I cannot wait until the next chapter :)
6/18/2010 c9 papaparazzi
So Elena decided to stay put and hoped she wouldn't regret the decision. (Yes, it would be hilarious at this point to have Lawson come in and kill her, but then that would sort of make it difficult to continue my story, what with her being dead and all.)

o.O lol.

lawson's sort of adorable & turner's funny. we are going to get to meet all the brothers rite?
6/17/2010 c8 annon
this narrator cracks me up. he should be a character, he'd probably be even funnier if possible

"Lawson continued eyeing the wheel, as if he was trying to decide whether or not he wanted to childishly grab it and spin it around wildly. (Maybe that's just what Elena was trying to prevent herself from doing.)"
6/14/2010 c7 seawea
6/12/2010 c7 McFisticuffs
thank god for google! lol

im glad they're back

keep updating!
6/12/2010 c6 McFisticuffs
the narrator seems like someone who is telling a story to a bunch of kids and periodically answering there questions. really funny

i'm glad you changed the genre to humor cuz it definitely is funny
6/12/2010 c5 McFisticuffs
smart and funny. keep these chapters coming. how do you update so fast?
6/12/2010 c7 papaparazzi
i liked elenas research but i'm glad they're back in the kingdom.

hm, lawson's more than just a pretty face/psyuchotic killer, isn't he?

i want to see elena slay a demon!
6/11/2010 c1 3Typing Typhoon
I love a good humor fic. Out of hundreds I read I think my hypothetical "Best Narrative Award" goes to the Kingdom of Rain. The narrative is genius, write on.
6/11/2010 c7 annon
I like the narrator...he's the best character. Even though he's not a character. case in point:

The trials and tribulations of normal-every-life. Hardly seems interesting at all in comparison to energy sucking demons! Then again, it's not as though cereal related events are that interesting in the first place, in comparison to anything at all.

that actually made me laugh out loud. i don't do that often while i read
6/8/2010 c1 Bookstore closing protestor
Extremely good beginning. My attention span often wavers when it comes to stories, but now I move to the next chapter!
6/7/2010 c6 Sarah
I really enjoyed reading this. It reminded me of Howl's Moving Castle for obvious reasons, which is great because I loved that book. I half-wished the narrator was actually in the story because he/she/it is so hilarious. Keep up the witty sarcasm! I can't wait for the next chapter :)
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