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5/24/2010 c1 annonymus
I like it os far. keep it going
5/23/2010 c1 3Prinnydood02
You've nailed the sarcastic narrator voice perfectly! It sounds just like a narrator to a Dr. Seuss movie, only twisted and holds no remorse for the main character's feelings. I went ahead and imagined the narrator having a hint of a British accent for good measure and it fits his personality like a glove. I actually started reading it out loud to some other people around me because it was so good. It's absolutely amazing, so keep it up!

"...the thirty-four-year-old woman driving came down with a sudden case of exploding heart..."

The above line is the best line of the chapter. I didn't see it coming. The frankness of it is what makes it so amazing. Too funny!

Overall, I'm really liking this story. It's turning out better than I imagined it. The narrator steals the show, though. I find that Elena is falling into the background a bit and will eventually be overshadowed by hilarious narrative voice, which would be a tragedy. I hope she gets some time to shine next chapter.

Good inaugural chapter. Now I want to see the fantasy world.
5/23/2010 c1 5Aiarada Alyan
Great story - you've obviously thought about it a lot and understand your character very well. But YOU NEED TO PROOFREAD. Please please please. You'd be surprised how much better things get just by getting rid of spelling and punctuationa and grammar errors. And if you can't find any, get someone to read this for you and fix your errors.

You said you were experimenting with a new narrative style. I'm assuming that's the switching-to-first-person once in a while and switching-to-present-tense once in a while. If you've ever read Lemony Snicket's "A Series of Unfortunate Events," maybe that's the kind of narrative you're going for. It makes sense with Snicket's story because he says he is investigating what happened, so it is only natural that he personally would intervene every now and then. But I think it's a difficult narrative to shoot for and at this point, you either need to work on it more (sorry I'm being so vague) or go for a more traditional narrative (for example, a nice, simple third person - that's the one I always use).

And finally, since I can see this error from where my review box is, ladders have WRUNGS, not WRINGS.
5/23/2010 c1 papaparazzi
haha. This was really funny in a weird way.

i like what your doing with the narrator. it has a funny personality. i like that you ask me questions. it feels amlmost interactive

i think the story seems really cool. i want to read more! keep going!
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