for Tenshi No Revolver7/1/2010 c2 
1esthaelum
I like Luda... Though I do feel sorry for him. I mean, he's only young, and yet he had to be made into this part metal... thing/robot. I really hope he doesn't get a harder life because of that. I think the poor boy needs more love :D.
I like the pace of this story so far. Not too quick, not too slow. I'm really curious to see how you'd fit romance here...
Roadhouse~
Repay via The Unwanted~
1esthaelumI like Luda... Though I do feel sorry for him. I mean, he's only young, and yet he had to be made into this part metal... thing/robot. I really hope he doesn't get a harder life because of that. I think the poor boy needs more love :D.
I like the pace of this story so far. Not too quick, not too slow. I'm really curious to see how you'd fit romance here...
Roadhouse~
Repay via The Unwanted~
6/25/2010 c3 12lianoid
For some reason I’m having difficulty remember who each character is. It has nothing to do with the flashbacks (which I’ll talk about after), I think more with the way you’re describing people. I can remember Luda, but the other ones I just can’t seem to place. Tech? Is that Dr. Harper? If so, might I suggest sticking with one name. Perhaps it’s just me but I thought I’d throw it out there.
Now the memories, I gotta say didn’t do it for me. I don’t really see their significance at this point, and I find memories/flashbacks/dreams, or what have you, near the beginning of the story, for the most part, rather unnecessary. If you’re foreshadowing something or hinting something that’s cool, but it’s still not working for me. These just seem like rather mundane memories (which is good for characterization, I suppose) that were rather boring, in my opinion. They didn’t add anything to the chapter for me. It felt more like filler than anything else.
The part after Lux says “Glad you’ve finally come to,” I find really confusing. It’s not clear who’s doing which actions. Who’s the older boy? Whose expression became amused? You also need to change “others” to “other’s” when it’s possession, but that’s the only grammatical error I’ll point out. There were a few other areas that could use some tweaking, but I’ll leave that to your discretion.
12lianoidFor some reason I’m having difficulty remember who each character is. It has nothing to do with the flashbacks (which I’ll talk about after), I think more with the way you’re describing people. I can remember Luda, but the other ones I just can’t seem to place. Tech? Is that Dr. Harper? If so, might I suggest sticking with one name. Perhaps it’s just me but I thought I’d throw it out there.
Now the memories, I gotta say didn’t do it for me. I don’t really see their significance at this point, and I find memories/flashbacks/dreams, or what have you, near the beginning of the story, for the most part, rather unnecessary. If you’re foreshadowing something or hinting something that’s cool, but it’s still not working for me. These just seem like rather mundane memories (which is good for characterization, I suppose) that were rather boring, in my opinion. They didn’t add anything to the chapter for me. It felt more like filler than anything else.
The part after Lux says “Glad you’ve finally come to,” I find really confusing. It’s not clear who’s doing which actions. Who’s the older boy? Whose expression became amused? You also need to change “others” to “other’s” when it’s possession, but that’s the only grammatical error I’ll point out. There were a few other areas that could use some tweaking, but I’ll leave that to your discretion.
6/19/2010 c2 lianoid
I’m going to stick to content this time. If I find any recurring grammatical mistakes, I’ll just summarize it. How does that sound? :)
The last line in the first paragraph sticks out quite a bit. I find that it just doesn’t flow well with the previous lines. Perhaps throw “was” before “sky” and then toss in one more description to round out the rhythm.
I really like the description about the jeep being like a sleeping predator. It contrasts beautifully with the interaction Luda had with the deer only moments earlier.
I’m terribly curious about what Luda did. You’ve built up the intrigue quite strongly here; especially the part where Lux keeps asking Luda if he remembers.
The part “...not wanting to make a bad situation... worse” didn’t work for me. I personally don’t feel you need the ellipses between “situation” and “worse.”
Though heavy with mechanics, the cat still had grace, and power, and packaged with those things came fur, bone and mechanical insides.
-Personal: The last part of this *really* isn’t working for me. it seems rather redundant to summarize information we already know, in this way. Personally, I would remove “and packaged with those...” et cetera. I think the sentence would work perfectly fine without it.
... he collapsed into Lux's arms
-Wasn’t he lying down on his back? And then Lux came and tugged on his shoulder? I think you should make his movements a little clearer here.
Either you or your beta-reader should look over this again. There are some comma placement issues, an it’s/its mix-up, there was a “had” thrown in somewhere it wasn’t needed, check your dialogue ending punctuation and following dialogue tags, there was some separate speaker dialogues that needed their own lines, as opposed to being clumped together, and a your/you’re mix up.
Other than that you have an interesting story here. Keep it up.
I’m going to stick to content this time. If I find any recurring grammatical mistakes, I’ll just summarize it. How does that sound? :)
The last line in the first paragraph sticks out quite a bit. I find that it just doesn’t flow well with the previous lines. Perhaps throw “was” before “sky” and then toss in one more description to round out the rhythm.
I really like the description about the jeep being like a sleeping predator. It contrasts beautifully with the interaction Luda had with the deer only moments earlier.
I’m terribly curious about what Luda did. You’ve built up the intrigue quite strongly here; especially the part where Lux keeps asking Luda if he remembers.
The part “...not wanting to make a bad situation... worse” didn’t work for me. I personally don’t feel you need the ellipses between “situation” and “worse.”
Though heavy with mechanics, the cat still had grace, and power, and packaged with those things came fur, bone and mechanical insides.
-Personal: The last part of this *really* isn’t working for me. it seems rather redundant to summarize information we already know, in this way. Personally, I would remove “and packaged with those...” et cetera. I think the sentence would work perfectly fine without it.
... he collapsed into Lux's arms
-Wasn’t he lying down on his back? And then Lux came and tugged on his shoulder? I think you should make his movements a little clearer here.
Either you or your beta-reader should look over this again. There are some comma placement issues, an it’s/its mix-up, there was a “had” thrown in somewhere it wasn’t needed, check your dialogue ending punctuation and following dialogue tags, there was some separate speaker dialogues that needed their own lines, as opposed to being clumped together, and a your/you’re mix up.
Other than that you have an interesting story here. Keep it up.
6/18/2010 c1 1Word Player
Haha, like your opening bit about working behind a desk. I just started my first real job and feel exactly like that.
I had a little bit of trouble following your narration and understanding what was going on. It feels like there are many voices rather one, overall voice to this story. Dig a little deeper and set the scene. What do people look like, where are they etc.
Some of the dialogue feels a little stiff to me as well. Dialogue is really difficult and something I struggle with too though.
With those criticisms said I think you have something here that's definitely worth continuing. I would only bother giving critiques like those if I thought the story was good and that it has a lot of potential, and you have both here. Well done! and let me know if you have any specific questions about the review.
1Word PlayerHaha, like your opening bit about working behind a desk. I just started my first real job and feel exactly like that.
I had a little bit of trouble following your narration and understanding what was going on. It feels like there are many voices rather one, overall voice to this story. Dig a little deeper and set the scene. What do people look like, where are they etc.
Some of the dialogue feels a little stiff to me as well. Dialogue is really difficult and something I struggle with too though.
With those criticisms said I think you have something here that's definitely worth continuing. I would only bother giving critiques like those if I thought the story was good and that it has a lot of potential, and you have both here. Well done! and let me know if you have any specific questions about the review.
6/18/2010 c1 39waitingforwhatever
"to see no evil, and hear no evil must have meant that you were blind and deaf."-I really liked this line.
You have MAJOR comma abuse issues. (Not trying to be harsh, it's just the truth.) Most of the sentences you put commas in were actually run-on sentences that need to be separated.
"clip bored,"-should be "board".
If you fix your comma abuse issues, this could be a really great beginning. It's a very interesting idea.
39waitingforwhatever"to see no evil, and hear no evil must have meant that you were blind and deaf."-I really liked this line.
You have MAJOR comma abuse issues. (Not trying to be harsh, it's just the truth.) Most of the sentences you put commas in were actually run-on sentences that need to be separated.
"clip bored,"-should be "board".
If you fix your comma abuse issues, this could be a really great beginning. It's a very interesting idea.
6/11/2010 c1 10Vroooommmmmm
nice chapter...fusion technology hm...great concept..but you have to work on your writing though...some awkward sentences dot the chapter...you have to work to make it more interesting...there are grammatical erors in places...but nice work there...keep writing
10Vroooommmmmmnice chapter...fusion technology hm...great concept..but you have to work on your writing though...some awkward sentences dot the chapter...you have to work to make it more interesting...there are grammatical erors in places...but nice work there...keep writing
6/10/2010 c1 12lianoid
The low lull of the beeping monitoring his heart kept the doctor on track of what he was doing.
-Personal: Throw a comma after “heart”.
A tired Dr. Harper said, the middle aged man ran the facility in which Luda worked.
-Personal: I might include the information about him running the facility in a different part. It just doesn’t seem to fit well with his speech tag here. It’s not subtle.
Dr. Harper grabbed a clip bored...
-Edit: Change “bored” to “board”.
...was let into the brick room where the platinum blonde haired boy was held captive.
-Edit: Remove the “e” from “blonde”. Blonde is typically designated for female descriptions.
He was thin, but tall...
-Personal: “but” seems a little odd to put here. I don’t see how him being thin would warrant a “but tall”.
The prisoner asked. Dr. Harper seemed quizzical and uncertain if the two of them meeting was a good idea; the dark haired heroin lay resting after his surgery,
-Who is the heroine? I don’t recall meeting any female characters. Heroine is the female equivalent to hero.
He was anxious, anxious to thank him for the unnecessary deed of saving his life.
-Personal: Change the comma after “anxious” to either a semi-colon or a period (you want a longer pause than the comma provides right now, I’m assuming).
Dr. Harper met Luda at a young age, even younger than he was when this incident happened. He'd been seven when he met Harper, and that was ten years ago.
-These two sentences provide the same information, only one’s more specific. I would suggest revising.
He smiled at the thought, though he never regretted anything but he did remember, and he did so fondly.
-Edit: “But” seems strange here also. I’m not entirely sure what you’re trying to express.
Flashback
-I think you should find a better way to provide that information. Personally, I think that since there isn’t a great deal of information provided in this, you could just slip the facts in somewhere, subtly.
This led him down the main hallway, passing the holding room where Lorelei was still held captive. He walked silently across the floor, and hadn't noticed Lorelei sitting in the holding room.
-These two lines are almost contradictory. You say that he passes the holding room where Lorelei is held captive, and then go on to say that he didn’t notice him sitting in the holding room. Huh? If there’s something else you’re trying to explain, I would suggest clarifying. Otherwise, merge these sentences together.
I think this is a really interesting piece here. You contain just enough information to familiarize the readers with the setting, while leaving out just enough to keep them reading. A sense an interesting concept/world here, and it’ll be interesting to see where you take this. Overall your writing style is pretty solid, and there were very few grammatical errors; which is always a plus. I always thought Lorelei was a girl’s name though, so it was a weird little shock when I read that it was a “he”. Anyway, that’s all I got for now. I’m super tired so please forgive this for being so short. Thanks for the review on my piece, and keep up the good work.
Liana
12lianoidThe low lull of the beeping monitoring his heart kept the doctor on track of what he was doing.
-Personal: Throw a comma after “heart”.
A tired Dr. Harper said, the middle aged man ran the facility in which Luda worked.
-Personal: I might include the information about him running the facility in a different part. It just doesn’t seem to fit well with his speech tag here. It’s not subtle.
Dr. Harper grabbed a clip bored...
-Edit: Change “bored” to “board”.
...was let into the brick room where the platinum blonde haired boy was held captive.
-Edit: Remove the “e” from “blonde”. Blonde is typically designated for female descriptions.
He was thin, but tall...
-Personal: “but” seems a little odd to put here. I don’t see how him being thin would warrant a “but tall”.
The prisoner asked. Dr. Harper seemed quizzical and uncertain if the two of them meeting was a good idea; the dark haired heroin lay resting after his surgery,
-Who is the heroine? I don’t recall meeting any female characters. Heroine is the female equivalent to hero.
He was anxious, anxious to thank him for the unnecessary deed of saving his life.
-Personal: Change the comma after “anxious” to either a semi-colon or a period (you want a longer pause than the comma provides right now, I’m assuming).
Dr. Harper met Luda at a young age, even younger than he was when this incident happened. He'd been seven when he met Harper, and that was ten years ago.
-These two sentences provide the same information, only one’s more specific. I would suggest revising.
He smiled at the thought, though he never regretted anything but he did remember, and he did so fondly.
-Edit: “But” seems strange here also. I’m not entirely sure what you’re trying to express.
Flashback
-I think you should find a better way to provide that information. Personally, I think that since there isn’t a great deal of information provided in this, you could just slip the facts in somewhere, subtly.
This led him down the main hallway, passing the holding room where Lorelei was still held captive. He walked silently across the floor, and hadn't noticed Lorelei sitting in the holding room.
-These two lines are almost contradictory. You say that he passes the holding room where Lorelei is held captive, and then go on to say that he didn’t notice him sitting in the holding room. Huh? If there’s something else you’re trying to explain, I would suggest clarifying. Otherwise, merge these sentences together.
I think this is a really interesting piece here. You contain just enough information to familiarize the readers with the setting, while leaving out just enough to keep them reading. A sense an interesting concept/world here, and it’ll be interesting to see where you take this. Overall your writing style is pretty solid, and there were very few grammatical errors; which is always a plus. I always thought Lorelei was a girl’s name though, so it was a weird little shock when I read that it was a “he”. Anyway, that’s all I got for now. I’m super tired so please forgive this for being so short. Thanks for the review on my piece, and keep up the good work.
Liana
6/10/2010 c1 TymCon
"A child's worst nightmare was always real, it could some how be applied to the corporate life style.", there's something off whit that sentence. I don't know what but there's soemthing wrong there.
Its okay. YUou do alot of telling in this story. Like when you said dr.harper and luda had more of a father son relationship. You could have showed that instead of just saying they had a father son relationship.
"A child's worst nightmare was always real, it could some how be applied to the corporate life style.", there's something off whit that sentence. I don't know what but there's soemthing wrong there.
Its okay. YUou do alot of telling in this story. Like when you said dr.harper and luda had more of a father son relationship. You could have showed that instead of just saying they had a father son relationship.
6/9/2010 c1 4Vienna's Sweetheart
I LOVE it! I will watch for more of the heart-pounding suspense of this sci-fi story! -adds favorite-
4Vienna's SweetheartI LOVE it! I will watch for more of the heart-pounding suspense of this sci-fi story! -adds favorite-
6/8/2010 c1 Alice Novak
The movement of your writing is fluid.
However, I thought this chapter lacked description, and the thoughts of the main character is a little bland.
This story seems really original (albeit it reminds me of Astro Boy). It's romance?
I suppose this'll be some interesting ride!
Deli .x
The movement of your writing is fluid.
However, I thought this chapter lacked description, and the thoughts of the main character is a little bland.
This story seems really original (albeit it reminds me of Astro Boy). It's romance?
I suppose this'll be some interesting ride!
Deli .x
6/6/2010 c1 Broken Bird
First off, maybe you should put the author's note in bold? Just to avoid confusion.
Anyway, this story in unique. I'm interested to learn exactly what happened to both Luda and Dr. Harper. I also want to know about the fire? lol
This story has a nice flow, but you intterupted it by breaking off for the memory. You don't realy have to do that.
Over all, very good. I want to read more!
First off, maybe you should put the author's note in bold? Just to avoid confusion.
Anyway, this story in unique. I'm interested to learn exactly what happened to both Luda and Dr. Harper. I also want to know about the fire? lol
This story has a nice flow, but you intterupted it by breaking off for the memory. You don't realy have to do that.
Over all, very good. I want to read more!
6/2/2010 c1 8Kobra Kid
OMG! Experiment 101, like your username! xD. Haha, anyways a good prologue! It left a lot of mystery, and I'm wondering who exactly this E 101 is. :). Very good job! :). Update soon!
~B. Cross
8Kobra KidOMG! Experiment 101, like your username! xD. Haha, anyways a good prologue! It left a lot of mystery, and I'm wondering who exactly this E 101 is. :). Very good job! :). Update soon!
~B. Cross
5/31/2010 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
A really interesting concept; a good prologue, it did well to draw the reader in and keep them interested. However I think you need to check over it; when Dr Harper and Tech are talking, there are a fair few instances where you use his old name. Anyway, I look forward to seeing the next chapter.
99Dreamers-RequiemA really interesting concept; a good prologue, it did well to draw the reader in and keep them interested. However I think you need to check over it; when Dr Harper and Tech are talking, there are a fair few instances where you use his old name. Anyway, I look forward to seeing the next chapter.
5/28/2010 c1 1esthaelum
I've never really read much sci fi stories, but when you mentioned romance... I couldn't help myself. I thought this plot was very interesting.
You said 'Lorelei' in this sentence: 'Green eyes met the dark brown of Dr. Harper's, both filled with curiosity, though [Lorelei's] filled with shame, regret, and mourning.'
Another 'Lorelei': 'Dr. Harper asked, to which [Lorelei] nodded in compliance.'
I lvoed how you added your pen name into this. Really nice. I wish I can do that with mine... I don't even know why on earth I have this as my pen name. What was I thinking?
Overall, I thought this was a very interesting first chapter! I'm interested to see how Luda will live as a half mechanic boy...
From the Roadhouse ~
Please repay with a review for The Unwanted? ~
1esthaelumI've never really read much sci fi stories, but when you mentioned romance... I couldn't help myself. I thought this plot was very interesting.
You said 'Lorelei' in this sentence: 'Green eyes met the dark brown of Dr. Harper's, both filled with curiosity, though [Lorelei's] filled with shame, regret, and mourning.'
Another 'Lorelei': 'Dr. Harper asked, to which [Lorelei] nodded in compliance.'
I lvoed how you added your pen name into this. Really nice. I wish I can do that with mine... I don't even know why on earth I have this as my pen name. What was I thinking?
Overall, I thought this was a very interesting first chapter! I'm interested to see how Luda will live as a half mechanic boy...
From the Roadhouse ~
Please repay with a review for The Unwanted? ~
5/27/2010 c1 ANNNNN
AHSIDF.
I still love this story.
You need to tell me where you get all your awesome.
I want some.
:U
~Missus Ann (too lazy to log in)
AHSIDF.
I still love this story.
You need to tell me where you get all your awesome.
I want some.
:U
~Missus Ann (too lazy to log in)