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for A Thousand Years Ago

6/3/2010 c1 1esthaelum
I love the small details that you add on, such as the man's hand as he wrote on the pen, how his handwriting is cursive and graceful. I like small details like those; they really bring the story to life.

I think your character is interesting so far. He seems to be shrouded in mystery... This is a great start!

From the Roadhouse~

Pretty please repay via The Unwanted?~
6/1/2010 c2 Broken Bird
Interesting. A couple of grammar errors here and there, but all around good. I'm curious about the child. Maybe the chapters a bit longer?
6/1/2010 c3 8Kobra Kid
I liked how you portrayed all of the thoughts in this chapter. It made us really go into the mind of the protagonist and understand how he was taking in the whole situation. :). Great job on this! Update soon!

-B. Cross

-Payback via RFTA? Thanks! :)
5/31/2010 c1 Broken Bird
Pretty good overall. I noticed some grammatical errors here and there that could be caught by rereading. You also tend to repeat words in either the same sentance or the sentance after. It makes it boring. Try using other, more descriptive nouns to change things up a bit.

Nice flow, though the awkward lines made it harder for me to read. My eyes kept skipping.
5/31/2010 c2 7zombie chickens
So good so far! Your dialogue is really REALLY amazing and it flows so well. Anyway, I really like the idea of this. It's kind of surreal, but I like that, and the whole idea of a king that has had to wait a thousand years before he can claim his throne is interesting, though I hope more details about the history come into light because it would be great to hear more about how he lost all his power.

My only word of advice is that the prologue seemed to have quite a few errors in it and a few places that could've flowed better; For instance:

red tunic moved a little slightly.-little and slightly feel redundant, maybe just one or the other?

Why he stayed there? That all knew.-That or they?

Anyway, those were just few, I won't go into all of them because I think you would find them pretty easy if you just did a read-through. This is good! I'm totally hooked and the first chapter is just perfect...will read more...
5/31/2010 c1 lili999
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5/31/2010 c2 8Kobra Kid
Wow, that child sure is intelligent! He's very mysterious and cryptic, which I like. :). I wonder what his true intentions are and what he is going to do in the future, all so very interesting. Keep on writing!

-B. Cross

P.S. Can you payback these two reviews via Rise From The Ashes? Thanks! :D.
5/31/2010 c1 Kobra Kid
Well, I think FP might have messed up your prologue format. It's all to the left and cluttered, so it was fairly hard to read.

Besides that, you did an excellent job! I love your vocabulary such as "dethrone", "rims of his red tunic", and "benevolent king with sharp eyes."

This is a good prologue. It draws you in and makes you wanna read more, which I am going to do!

-B. Cross
5/30/2010 c1 4lookingwest
From RH

Alright, so already without me even reading this, I can tell you've got something funky going on with your formatting. Did you submit it as poetry? Hmm...I'm not quite sure how you managed to make it formatted in such away, but upon first impression, I would suggest that you format it back to a normal story setting, like you've done with your Chapter One. It's much easier to read for those online, and it doesn't block the reader out upon first appearance with such daunting paragraph sizes and density of narrative.

The pen was of an age old make that none in the present world

could fathom its age.

-Doesn't make sense. Trying reading this sentence aloud, just to understand what I'm getting at.

-Would edit: "The pen was of an old make, so old, that none in the present world could fathom its age."

The hand that held it was fair

and thin.

-Suggest opportunity to start a new paragraph with this line, since you change subjects from focus on the pen, to the writer.

...for the hand

belonged to a man who seemed young to all but in reality, he was older

than any till date even surmised and he worked in huge caves that he

had delved ages ago by his own hands.

-Try reading this sentence aloud again. It also doesn't make sense, you've got some awkward comma placements.

-Suggest: "The hand belonged to a man who to many, appeared young. In reality he was older than any date one could surmise. He worked in huge caves that he had delved ages ago with his own hands."

There were only three round

windows that...

-Edit: another opportunity for a new paragraph to start with this sentence. You switch focus from the man, to the caves.

The rims of his red tunic moved a

little slightly.

-"Little" and "slightly" are basically the exact same word. Get rid of one of them. Would do away with "little"

Why he stayed there?

-Edit: needs "did" inserted between "why" and "he"

He was remembered for his almost bad


-How can history in this sense be "almost" bad. Maybe you could replace it with "his infamous history" or, "his rumored terrible history" or something of that nature.

He was remembered for losing...

-Edit: would start new paragraph here

For him it was both a blessing and a


-Edit: same as above

But once upon a


-Edit: same as above

Three yellow candles shone...

-Edit: same as above


-You've got a lot of cleaning up that could be done with this prologue. Editing wise, it needs to be more precise and better looked over before posting. I would suggest perhaps looking into getting a beta reader-they work wonders for writers and are there to help. The Review Game forum has a thread for beta listings and requests. Grammar and formatting aside though, let's focus on the content.

I like that you seem to know your character well. He's a huge focus of this prologue and it's driven mostly by him. So you do a good job explaining his background and intentions for staying in the cave, and I can appreciate that as a reader. I didn't feel that you were too complicated with the information either, so that was also a huge plus. I feel that I could have followed much easier though, if the prologue was formatted in a clearer manner. But you had some nice flowery descriptions-some times flowery can be an enemy, but I think in some cases you handled it well. You reoccurring theme of the gusts of wind were a great way to draw the reader into the twists and turns of your narrative too. You've got good potential for this prologue-all it needs is a little spring cleaning ^^
5/30/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
First off, there are awkward line breaks. At first I thought that it was intended but as I reached the bottom of the text, I no longer think so. There must be some problem with FP, so you ought to check that, just wanted to let you know.

Moving on to the story,

-The black ink flowed freely from an old novel pen with a sharp

Try omitting the 'novel'. It seems redundant.

The pen was of an age old make that /none/[no one] in the present world

It wrote cursively and with such /a/ grace /that/ [which] would have

dazzled even the /neatest writer/ (neatest writer does not fit, try replacing it with something different.) on the outside world; for the hand

belonged to a man who seemed young to all but in reality, he was older[break the line.]

than any till date even surmised and he worked in huge caves that he

had delved ages ago by his own hands. - The rest of the part of the sentence is confusing.

The wind made his dark curly hair stream across his fair

face, which he slightly brushed aside.

-here again, the lining is awkward. Replace the 'made' and use stream as a verb.

The rims of his red tunic moved /a/ little slightly.

I won't go through the rest of the paragraph, but suffice to prove my point that there are grammatical mistakes.

I suggest you get a beta reader. Your imagination is wonderful, but the placing of the words on paper is jerky. The story lacks flow, if you know what I mean. Frankly, I think the story has a lot of potential and needs polishing.

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