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for Scream

6/5/2010 c5 3aby pwn u
What's the pint of the journal entry?O_o

:D I dont think thrs any errors so far
6/3/2010 c4 5DecodingSkiie
OMGOSH...I love this story!

You have Mad skills (:

You HAVE to continue this is incredible.
6/3/2010 c4 3aby pwn u
6/3/2010 c4 8mindless-junk-247
Hmm, an interesting turn of events. She used to see spirits daily and often, that just adds to the spookiness of the story.

I can't wait for more. I also like the part where she writes in her journal, it adds a sense of her personal inner thinking to it that we don't usually see in stories.
6/3/2010 c3 mindless-junk-247
Hmm, very interesting. I really can't wait to see where this goes. Sounds like a ghost haunting, but you never know.

Just a little point, starting a new line when someone speaks helps to show who's speaking much easier.
6/2/2010 c3 3aby pwn u
Whoa! And the story begins...
6/2/2010 c3 5IamthePhantomoftheOpera
NICE. MUCH better! at risk of sounding like an english teacher...

GREAT job describing the creepy-bloody lady, REALLY good...and good job writing a longer chapter, too! and you also did better with "creating a mood," or however you want to put it...i'm not quite sure how to phrase it, but you know what i mean. probably. i talked about it forEVER in my last review...heh heh...anyways. oh yeah one more thing, i just think you'd like to know that i read chapter 2 at night, when i was the only person in my house who was downstairs...and a few minutes after i finished, i hear this scratching on the screen door that's in the computer room...and my i look out the door almost expecting to see a bloody lady glaring at me. so maybe your description was more effective than i originally thought...:) so...oh yeah! i forgot to mention...you left a cliffie! ! ! no! ! ! why?

so...great chapter, please update soon!
6/2/2010 c3 3The Communist Fairy
Okay, this is pretty exciting so far and I want to know more, but you also seem to appreciate critique so I'll say what I think.

First, I think you need to work a little on your suspense. The point where Cait is heading outside is the bit that struck me as a part that could be much more on-edge. The easiest way is to picture yourself in the situation. Think of any time when you've been scared and recognise how long every moment seemed to take, how every creak of a stair raised your heart beat that tiny bit more and reflect that in the story.

Some of your descriptions still need a little work, but they have already improved. There are only small examples, such as 'every pore was pouring' ( words that sound the same don't often coincide well in a sentence ) could be switched to something along the lines of 'every pore was dripping' or 'every inch was pouring'. Another example is 'old time dress', for this it would be best to specify a time period of dress, or even a sort of style. This could be 'Victorian' or even stating that it was 'old-fashioned' would be more appropriate seeming than 'old time'. A good way to improve on this is to either read the story out loud to yourself or imagine you are reading it out loud. This provides a chance for you to hear it as other people will read it and can alert you to mistakes, though it doesn't always work.

I hope my comments are of some use.

Keep writing.

6/2/2010 c2 5DecodingSkiie
Omgosh! SO GOOD I was at the edge of my seat at the end and it was so short! write more
6/1/2010 c2 5IamthePhantomoftheOpera
ah, and so comes her scream. :)

'k, you're unlucky. you've caught me in one of my criticizing moods. sorry. so prepare.

there aren't any actual mistakes that i saw in this (though i'm not the best at stuff like that), just some things i think...argh i'm using TEACHER WORDS oh well. sorry. just some things i think you could improve on.

first...you ought to try to write longer chapters...not like crazy twenty page long, but say twice or three times longer than this chapter. just try, trust me it'll make this better.

second...try to make your writing style a bit more...exciting. for example, "I opened up the blinds in the window and don't believe what I see, it's a woman covered in blood." it's a good sentence, it gets the imagery in mind and everything, but for me anyways, doesn't really create...i dunno, a real FEELING like "Oh my God. What the hell? I'm dreaming...there's not a woman outside my window. She's not covered in blood." since this is horror, that's probably more the feeling you want...i dunno, it just seems kinda like you're stating a fact. i'm not sure how you would improve it...i'll try, just for the heck of it, but my attempt will probably suck.

yes, i'm a hypocrite. whoops. oh well.

ANYWAYS. let's see...

"I open up the blinds in the window and look out apprehensively. I don't believe what I see. It's a woman - a woman covered in blood. (try more description on the woman...i didn't want to put more 'cause i don't know what you pictured. ex. A woman covered head to toe in blood, if that's what you pictured, or A woman with blood running down her body in torrents. ...okay...i didn't need that image in my mind. unfortunately, i have no one to blame but myself. whoops. ANYWAYS.) so...yeah...you get the idea, probably.

again, i apologize for being so critical. like i said, i read this in a critical mood. this is all meant to be constructive criticism, not in any way meant to be offensive, so i hope you don't take it that way because i didn't mean it that way.

so...wow. this is long. sorry if there are typos, i'm tired and FAR too lazy to ALL this ALL over to check. so...yeah...um...

great chapter, (though like i said, rather short) and please update soon! ! !

(and please reply to this...i can't help but be curious as to what you thought of my...critique. :) )
6/1/2010 c2 3aby pwn u
WHOA! CRE-PE! PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ tell me ull be updating daily! This could get REALLY interestng and there's many ways u can go with it ;)
6/1/2010 c1 8mindless-junk-247
Oh,interesting, can't wait for me. It's a good start, really leaves the reader wanting more.
5/31/2010 c1 3aby pwn u
Wow...Ths really leaves the reader wanting more and CURIOUS!

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