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8/2/2010 c1 4Kurisuten
Now I'm going to give you some constructive criticism because it's only going to help you grow as an author. :)

First of all, there are numerous instances where the dialogue feels unnatural, and I understand that this is also because of the setting being in ancient Greece, but a little tweaking here and there might make it feel more believable. In addition to this, you often forget the use of commas, or you use a comma when you should use a question mark or other form of punctuation. Your descriptions are nice, thought a little more might be called for so that you can give the reader a better idea of what is happening in the scene. For a short while there I felt like the characters were floating in a blank space.

Overall, I think your characters are interesting, and I commend you on the fact that you are using Greece as your setting. It is a difficult setting sometimes, but I think you execute it well :)
6/2/2010 c1 Volons
King Acropolis? If that's not supposed to be humorous I'd suggest a human name

The second-person reference "Before you knew it they were traveling down ... " is a bit strange, but interesting.

You use a lot of numerical symbols in this piece. I'd suggest writing out the numbers instead, and saving the numerals for indices and such, like "File 6".

"What is it?" he said annoyed. (As opposed to using a comma instead of that question mark)

"It was my first time in a while I had made it the public baths." Made it to?

"Is that Barbarius I wondered?" Firstly, since the story is in first person, you don't need italics, and secondly, I would get rid of "I wondered" and put the question mark after "Barbarius" and add something to smooth it out.

By the way, the rest of that paragraph I just mentioned above has quite a few more mistakes in terms of grammar.

In the next paragraph the repetition of "embarassment" doesn't sound best. And, "half naked" needs a hyphen. Repetition of "look" is strange, say "He glanced at me with a look of disgust" (or play around with the verbs there a little bit).

"I leaned against the wall, torn whether" (I put the comma in there), and "I had a made mistake" should be fixed.

I'll read the rest of your story later. As of now my computer is acting strangely and I'm a bit tired but your story's good. It makes a nice use of casual prose which is a little strange to me personally because it's not my style of writing (and I honestly couldn't write in loose prose like that; I'll post a few of my stories soon, you could look at them). Great use of the historical background, though.

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