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for Murder in Pinecrest

12/5/2015 c1 Fleur-de-lis Evans
Hello Arem (I'm previously H-A-Cooke)!
I wanted to reconnect and figured the best way was to look up your profile.
Here's my feedback!

THE HOOK: Beginning the piece with a news cast was intriguing. I instantly found myself wanting to know more about 75-Year-Old George Porter and Alex Zeeta. However, I feel the shift from third-person to first-person is rough and jogs the reader from the story in a way that shifts interest.

GEORGE PORTER: Instantly I found it off that a farmer would be murdered for no reason. I am already developing theories as to what he subjected Alex Zeeta to - and if that has any links to lycathropy or a similar condition.

INVESTIGATOR: He reminds me of Scully from X-Files. Focused on facts and skeptical of the supernatural. I am interested to learn his name - figure out what his motivations are.


1. "I think I might have found something more disturbing THAN a murder."

When you are drawing a comparison between two things: the murder and "the disturbing thing" you want to use the word 'Than' not 'Then.'

Kudos on a Good First Chapter.

~ Fleurdelis Evans

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