for Stuck9/1/2020 c1 
4H. Anne Cooke
Wow. This short story was really captivating. I totally missed any clue, at all, that Frank was part of the robbery. You pulled off that flawlessly, and it was clever to get them stuck inside the bank vault. Those two twists were unexpected and added good tension to the story. I'm curious about how they work as a duo. They don't seem to get along all too well.
Also that line about Blagoavich made me laugh. It was well placed dry humor. Living in the suburbs of Chicago that really took me back.
You also developed the side characters fully enough to make their loss feel heavy. Their persoalities helped drive the story and give it the feeling that it's happening with a world moving outside of it. I'm honestly surprsied Orpah didn't mention the emergency phone and lever earlier in the story. But it's all well placed.
Any eidts are suggestions made with your original wording, for emphasis I put them in all caps so theya re more visable.
EDITS (all suggestiosn are in all caps)
For ease of flow, I'd suggest referring to The Robber as smiply The Woman. We know she's a theif and that gives her a solid alias.
1. "The third flourescent light from the right was having a seziure, blinking out Morse CODE to the cieling."
2. "Okay, you take us to the vault," THE WOMAN said to the teller.
3. Frank[apostrophe]s dress shoes clicked on the overly waxed floor.
4. The teller came to stope BY THE VAULT, A TOWERING REINFORCED METAL DOOR WITH CRISS-CROSSING GOLD LOCKING MECHANISMS.
5. What were the chances SHE'D actually pull the trigger?
Great short story!
~ justhales
4H. Anne CookeWow. This short story was really captivating. I totally missed any clue, at all, that Frank was part of the robbery. You pulled off that flawlessly, and it was clever to get them stuck inside the bank vault. Those two twists were unexpected and added good tension to the story. I'm curious about how they work as a duo. They don't seem to get along all too well.
Also that line about Blagoavich made me laugh. It was well placed dry humor. Living in the suburbs of Chicago that really took me back.
You also developed the side characters fully enough to make their loss feel heavy. Their persoalities helped drive the story and give it the feeling that it's happening with a world moving outside of it. I'm honestly surprsied Orpah didn't mention the emergency phone and lever earlier in the story. But it's all well placed.
Any eidts are suggestions made with your original wording, for emphasis I put them in all caps so theya re more visable.
EDITS (all suggestiosn are in all caps)
For ease of flow, I'd suggest referring to The Robber as smiply The Woman. We know she's a theif and that gives her a solid alias.
1. "The third flourescent light from the right was having a seziure, blinking out Morse CODE to the cieling."
2. "Okay, you take us to the vault," THE WOMAN said to the teller.
3. Frank[apostrophe]s dress shoes clicked on the overly waxed floor.
4. The teller came to stope BY THE VAULT, A TOWERING REINFORCED METAL DOOR WITH CRISS-CROSSING GOLD LOCKING MECHANISMS.
5. What were the chances SHE'D actually pull the trigger?
Great short story!
~ justhales
2/24/2011 c1 1FierceOcelot
This is, for lack of better words on my part, awesome. The dialog was very cohesive, not to mention humorous. And the end surprised me! I like stories with a little twist in them. All in all, the story came together very well and kept me hooked to the end.
1FierceOcelotThis is, for lack of better words on my part, awesome. The dialog was very cohesive, not to mention humorous. And the end surprised me! I like stories with a little twist in them. All in all, the story came together very well and kept me hooked to the end.
12/6/2010 c1 1Content In The Chaos
Interesting story, I am slightly confused to why Frank didn't admit or make clear he was conspiring with Matilda once they were in the vault. Since they were planning on shooting the hostages at that point anyway. But I like your style of writing and your story. Well done
1Content In The ChaosInteresting story, I am slightly confused to why Frank didn't admit or make clear he was conspiring with Matilda once they were in the vault. Since they were planning on shooting the hostages at that point anyway. But I like your style of writing and your story. Well done
6/12/2010 c1 MomijiLuver5
Uhh, I don't mean to sound stupid, but what the heck happened in the end? I was really confused. Was Frank apart of the hostage thing. Because, like, I thought he was a cop, then... good story. Well written.
~Diva
Uhh, I don't mean to sound stupid, but what the heck happened in the end? I was really confused. Was Frank apart of the hostage thing. Because, like, I thought he was a cop, then... good story. Well written.
~Diva