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11/7/2012 c1 5Buddhist Warrior
Interesting start,I look forward to reading more.
6/22/2010 c2 8Kobra Kid
You do really, really well with dialogue, so I'm jealous. :P. I also liked the descriptions and the characters that seem to be very compelling. :). I feel horrible for Bhargava though. :(. I can't imagine losing my familiy...I cringe just thinking about it. Keep on writing, my friend!

~B. Cross

P.S. I'm working on the next chapter of RFTA. :). I also changed why Alocer is the way he is, so sorry about that spoiler. It's changed now. :P. :).
6/22/2010 c2 23Arastel
This is the best thing that I've read on here in a long time. The discription is wonderful, you really pulled me into the story. I can't find anything wrong with it. Keep going, it's really interesting to read.
6/19/2010 c1 39waitingforwhatever
Title: Don't capitalize every letter-just do the first one of each word (except for the smaller words-they're too lowly to be capitalized. xD)

"For the disbelief in righteousness, mortals have to suffer."-Great opening line. It immediately sets up the mood of the story and what it's going to be about.

Good descriptions when it came to the temple.

"Pray to your God, priest, pray to the God, ask Her to save you."-"Her" should be "Him" in the case of a God, unless it's supposed to be Goddess, which would make sense seeing as they're in a temple for a Goddess.

For the dialogue between the shooter and the priest, put things like exclamation points in and capitalize certain words. Reading it as it is right now makes them sound kind of monotone, which they are obviously not.

For example: "PLEASE, I will withdraw! Please, I beg you, do not kill me! I have two small kids. PLEASE-" and so on.

"Only those souls who have attained salvation at the hands of the Lord; only those selected few who have been ordained to serve the Lord by their own hands were allowed in this blissful abode; protected and blessed."-the "have's" should be had, to match the tense of the whole sentence.

"And slowly, he stood up."-cut the "And." It isn't needed.

Grammar lesson time: In fact, don't put "And" at the beginning of any sentence. It isn't good there.

"that was stained with blood."-should be "were".

"her face was filled with a light that had never been seen for a long time."-change "never" to "not." If it hasn't been seen for a long time, then it has been seen before. No one had NEVER seen it before, unless you want it to literally be the first time anyone has seen her bright expression, in which case cut the "for a long time."

"You should be happy, brother and are lucky."-I would change this to "You should be happy, brother. You are lucky." That sounds better.

"atlast"-two separate words.

I hope my thousand suggestions help you! Overall, though, you did a good job. It's a great plot, the way people spoke is consistent, and it's nice to read about a different set of gods that aren't your typical Roman/Greek.
6/16/2010 c1 1shimba
The first section is a pretty heavy read. It is well written and desciptive. Moreover it aludes to an epic, timesless story. However, there are many long names that I didn't even try to pronounce in my mind.

The second half is, albiet short, much more user frindly. Youhave a vdery concise writing style. Good stuff.


6/16/2010 c2 23AvidWriter-92
I liked this chapter a lot as well... You're very good at writing this type of action plot line. :) It flows very nicely, and as far as I can tell, there aren't any grammatical mistakes. :P

Again, like I said before, I love the descriptions and dialogue in this chapter as well. :P It seems like it should be a real book!

Great work, Vrom! :D

~Avid. Roadhouse. :)
6/16/2010 c1 AvidWriter-92
Ahh. I loved this a lot! :D

I really liked the dialogue between the Lord and Lady. I felt like it was very well written, and I liked your word choice. :P

I was somewhat familiar with (Hindu) this mythology before I read this, but I did appreciatie the footnotes that you included at the bottom... I felt like they were really helpful to people who didn't know, or just fun to read, for somebody like me. ^^

All in all, I loved the descriptions and dialogue. They were wonderful, and I can tell you put a lot of research into this story!

Best wishes!

~Avid. :) Roadhouse... :)
6/16/2010 c1 12lianoid
Ah, I’m really enjoying these two opening lines, and you follow up the beautiful descriptions perfectly in the next paragraph. This revised version is definitely more to my liking.

Only those souls who have attained salvation at the hands of the Lord; only those selected few who have been ordained to serve the Lord by their own hands were allowed in this blissful abode; protected and blessed.

-I could be wrong here, but I think you want the ‘have’s’ in this sentence to be ‘had’.

Upon the serpent, a tall man-like figure lay sleeping, with His one leg folded and the other laid straight. He was clad in a yellow cloth below his abdomen and very blue he was too. A golden helmet He wore, a half helmet to be exact, adorned with various gems that kept his hair hidden. Four hands He had, in one He held a cutting wheel, in the second He held a sea-conch, in the third He held a huge golden mace and in the fourth He held a beautiful lotus.

-Watch your capitalizations here. You forgot a few, so just look over this and double-check. (I believe you want all of them capitalized. If not, I’m sorry, ignore me).

She was the Goddess of Wealth and the wife of Him who was the Protector.

-Edit: I could be wrong here, but I think “Him” should be “He”.

Note: You’re capitalizing “Lord” in a lot of places, but earlier in the chapter you did not. Double-check to make sure you’ve done them all properly. Also, I’m not sure if “Husband” needs the capital.

Yada Yada Hi Dharmasya, Jnanirbhavatu Bharat,

-This line and the four that follow it: I might make them italic. This is more personal preference, than any strict rule I can think of.

Then, Lord, you will leave your sister suffer for the sins of men.

-Edit: I think you want “to” before “suffer”.

"Then, Lady, have faith in me. I shall take care of everything. Do not make yourself unhappy…"

"But, Lord,…." she cut him off.

-Ellipses are used for when someone is drifting off. Also, ellipses are always three dots, unless at the very end of a sentence, where you can then place another dot after it, for a total of four dots. If someone is being cut off, you use a hyphen.

You’re going to hate me again, but whatever, here I go. There’s a lot of information in this. A lot of historical information and terms that I’m unfamiliar with. It’s not so much the terms that bother me, those can always be slowly explained throughout the story, it’s more the history lesson. First, I don’t think you should have such a huge glossary, especially for the first chapter. If people don’t understand everything, that’s okay. Find a way to subtly explain it to them. In regards to so much information, I really think their conversation classifies as one of those “As you know, Bob...” dialogues. I think you could find a better way to let the readers know the history/legend/whatever about the characters, without having two characters who already know all of that information, discuss it with one another. How often do you have a conversation with someone about something you both already know? How often do you discuss facts with someone who you’ve already discussed them with? Unless you’re clarifying pieces of information, or discovering new ones, I don’t think most people do this.

I *really* like your descriptions in the beginning. It painted such a beautiful and mystical picture in my mind. The tone was perfect and the atmosphere was just wonderful. I really felt like I was in another world; one full of wonder.

He made his way across a small corridor and soon entered into another room which was a little crowded. People shed tears out of their joy and some were really clapping their hands with glee.

-Personal: “little crowded” and “really clapping” sound really odd to me. Remove “really” for the second one, and perhaps change “little” to “rather” or “somewhat”.

...baby as she cleaned the napkins that was stained with little blood.

-Edit: Get rid of “little”. Childbirth is messy, there would be lots of blood; plus I don’t think it really matters if you describe how much blood there is “stained with blood” will suffice, in my opinion.

You have always someone who can take your time off and he has arrived just in the nick of time.

-This is not reading clearly to me.

He then steered his eyes towards his wife that he considered the most beautiful on earth, the one he would give his life for.

-Edit: I think you want to throw “woman” after “beautiful”. Unless he has multiple wives, but then that’s kind of mean; that he would only give his life for one of his wives and not the others.

The beginning of the second part was a little choppy for my liking. It’s not so much the short sentences, it’s more the mundane details. He goes to the washroom. Turns on the tap. Turns off the tap. Do I really need to know that much? How about you describe him going to the bathroom, maybe looking in the mirror (this would be a perfect time to throw in a couple sentences about what he looks like), he cleans himself up a bit, and then heads to the birth room. On the other hand, I really liked how you pulled back with the details. I don’t dislike details (if you need proof of this just go read Shadows), I’m just picky about them. I don’t need to know everything about every character; I like to have a little creative freedom when imagining things; so I really enjoyed not having too many details forced upon me at once.

I really like this second version better than the first one. Still could use a bit of work but hey, that’s what reviewers are for. I know that my first (couple) versions of Shadows were terrible, and without receiving honest reviews from picky readers, it would have never fleshed out a bit more and turned into something believable. Keep it up, your writing is solid and if you keep writing sentences like the ones in the first two paragraphs, I think you’ll really pull something wonderful together.

6/15/2010 c1 8FlamingInk57
WOws, i'm really liking this so far. I like all the characters of the gods and all. The character names are cool. It has a nice twist, The dialogue was interesting and your descriptions were good too. Great work dude.

from GF
6/15/2010 c1 this wild abyss
Okay... So I think this story might be a little over my head, so I won't comment on historical accuracies. (:

On the other hand, your writing was excellent. You described things perfectly, and the dialogue between the Lord and his wife was very well done. I did think that the conversation between the mortals was a little overdone. In 1986 people didn't talk like that. Also:

"...soon as she saw him come up to the bed, she [screamed], 'Well, brother, you wanted a..." Screamed does not feel like the right work. It implies terror and fear, not excitement.

It was a good start, though. I look forward to reading more.

Adonnen (The Roadhouse)

P.S. I'd love a review on my poem 'My House' if you don't mind.
6/14/2010 c2 6MeAsIAm
I notice that you twist the sentences to enhance the effect of your story. It seems nice on an experimental basis but try limiting its use in a paragraph.

Clouds thundered and lightning smote the very earth

rain smote him like water

- edit 'smote' from one of the sentences

"A tragedy has struck the very heart of your family

- It seems very 'superficial' and induced. Edit 'very heart' and shorten it to 'A tragedy has struck your family'

the [out]skirts

You can edit the his laments at the side of his mother. Practically, he should have first seen all the bodies and then expressed his grief. It does not strike real.

black gorgeous SUV - omit gorgeous and replace it by 'sleek' or similar

In the last scene, the dialogues by Bhargava do not adhere to his character. If he were planning revenge, I would have expected him to be brooding on the deaths and not speaking rationally. Direct them to another elder.

You use 'Hey' often, which I think is in terms with the hindi/sanskrit 'he' so italicize 'Hey'
6/14/2010 c1 MeAsIAm
Interesting and much different from the last one. I like the opening between Lord Vishnu and Devi Lakshmi. Just one thing - to the best of my knowledge, they are supposed to reside in 'Kshirsagar' which is not a celestial abode like the Indra and all.

He woke up. He heard someone crying. - The sentences are too abrupt to convey the feeling that 'he' must have experienced. Try merging them with something like 'He woke up to the wail of an infant' or something like it.

You can try italicising the words that relate to mythology or vernacular words.
6/13/2010 c1 9Experiment101
I still enjoy this, I really like the charactrs name they are unique, and I feel like you are really putting a lot of effort into this story!

-E From the road house.
6/11/2010 c1 8Kobra Kid
This was great! I liked how you twisted a myth into your own story, yet kept it so realistic and such! The dialogue was engaging, descriptions fantastic & thank God you put in a glossary! xd. Keep on writing!

~B. Cross

P.S. I just updated RFTA. Could you please review it? Thanks!
6/11/2010 c1 Alice Novak

Kudos to youu! XDD

Here are some of the edits I found necessary to correct.

They're not grammatical, just a bunch of awkward sentences.. heh.

Edit: A golden palace stood amidst a sea of white clouds. The palace where no mortal could reach. It was the abode of a lord so mesmerizing, so blue, who was known as the Protector.

Me think: A golden palace stood amidst a sea of white clouds - the palace no mortal could reach. It was the abode of a lord so mesmerizing, so... blue, known as the Protector.


Edit: They held spears whose tips sparkled with a bright spark.

Me think: Bright sparks held the pinnacles of spears they (held)(clutched)(secured in their arms)(something..)?


Edit: A mortal would be really amazed and awestruck if he entered this celestial palace.

Me think: Any mortal would have been amazed - awestruck - at this celestial sanctuary.


Edit: Two huge armies - one headed by the Kauravas and the other smaller one headed by the Pandavas – were assembled on either side of a four horsed chariot of which He himself was the charioteer and a maharathi named Arjuna stood with his weapons down and his eyes piercing his enemies who were his close relatives. - Christ! One sentence?

Me think: Two huge armies: one headed by the Kauravas, and a smaller one by the Pandavas, were assembled on either side of the land. (i)He(/i) rode atop a four-horsed chariot. Weapon in hand, his eyes pierced his enemies; his supposed "family". (i)His(/i) name... was Arjuna.


Edit: He smiled and his eyes closed as he soaked once again in the harmonious tones of the violins.

Me think: He smiled and closed his eyes, drowning once again into the harmonious euphoria of the violins.


Edit: He woke up... looked happily at the beautiful baby as she cleaned the napkins that was stained with little blood.

Me think: Too many "he"s. Do you want me to edit it?


Edit: "Though the official ceremony is yet to be performed, son of Dhananjay. I shall groom you to your bright future. That's my promise." he whispered to the baby.

Me think: "Though the official ceremony has yet to be performed, son of Dhananjay, I shall vow to groom you to your bright future. That's my promise," he whispered.

Yes, I know! You can thank me later!

And (hearting) you too! XDD

Deli .x

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