for The Candy King3/2/2011 c14 
4Aspiemor
Demon heriarchy. Interesting. Still I wonder who is above the seven sins? If there is anyone? Well There was some tension in this chapter and tension is good. I could also sense some apparent care Royce has for her.
Keep it up!
4AspiemorDemon heriarchy. Interesting. Still I wonder who is above the seven sins? If there is anyone? Well There was some tension in this chapter and tension is good. I could also sense some apparent care Royce has for her.
Keep it up!
3/1/2011 c14 5Chris Rhyanne
Royce is now officially my favorite character in a book. EVER. ...Okay, so he's tied for first with Bartimaes. But that's one heck of a feat. And it's only chapter thirteen!
I love how you have such a clear and thought out mythology, if that's what it's called, surrounding the characters. You obviously put a lot of thought into your stories; it definitely shows. Trust me-I would much rather you spend four months on an awesome chapter than have a short choppy update every week. There's no reason to apologize for not updating, since school and your health obviously comes first. Just keep doing your thing...
And update (as soon as is conveniently possible, of course )!
5Chris RhyanneRoyce is now officially my favorite character in a book. EVER. ...Okay, so he's tied for first with Bartimaes. But that's one heck of a feat. And it's only chapter thirteen!
I love how you have such a clear and thought out mythology, if that's what it's called, surrounding the characters. You obviously put a lot of thought into your stories; it definitely shows. Trust me-I would much rather you spend four months on an awesome chapter than have a short choppy update every week. There's no reason to apologize for not updating, since school and your health obviously comes first. Just keep doing your thing...
And update (as soon as is conveniently possible, of course )!
3/1/2011 c14 Xandrea
I can't believe he shot her. Wow. I hope Royce can save her. Can't wait to read more. :)
I can't believe he shot her. Wow. I hope Royce can save her. Can't wait to read more. :)
2/28/2011 c13 Shade
Awesome chapter! i love your story! i wonder what will happen!
Awesome chapter! i love your story! i wonder what will happen!
2/12/2011 c13 9StarryNyx
What? :(
Oh, no no no. Not good. I'm actually going to strangle something if Prudence gets hurt; I actually like her! Grr. Mason's a creep and I'll gladly join the boys in beating the crap out of him. And Royce...he's not all bad. I hope Quaid realizes that soon. Still, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You're an incredible writer. Add more soon!
9StarryNyxWhat? :(
Oh, no no no. Not good. I'm actually going to strangle something if Prudence gets hurt; I actually like her! Grr. Mason's a creep and I'll gladly join the boys in beating the crap out of him. And Royce...he's not all bad. I hope Quaid realizes that soon. Still, I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You're an incredible writer. Add more soon!
2/9/2011 c2 Zie
"Thanks," he mumbled and put them on, his baby blue eyes becoming nearly three times as large.
-Another personal. I usually see the phrase "as large" when comparing two separate objects. In this case, I feel like the phrase "their size" or something similar would be more appropriate.
At his full height, Batty was about six foot six, one of the tallest people she had ever seen.
-I dunno, I just feel like maybe you should say "Quaid had ever seen" just to make sure it's clear who we're talking about.
I enjoy the explanation for the nickname "Batty". It emphasizes his apparently reclusive nature. But being a good friend of Dahlia fleshes him out by saying it doesn't mean he can't be a nice guy.
Of course, Batty wasn't his real name.
-The "of course" sort of mismatches the tone. In fact, it almost always does no matter where you try to put it in the body of a narrative. Not to say that I am not perfectly guilty of using it myself.
Personally, I would combine the "Of course" and "Deep hollows" paragraphs, since they are both explaining Batty's character.
If there was anything she loved next to eating sweets, it would be the sheer blissfulness of being able to sit down and read a book in peace- an opportunity Batty's store readily gave.
-”If there was anything she loved next to eating sweets” strikes me as an odd statement. I understand how it’s meant, but the wording just feels somewhat awkward. I don’t really know how it might be rephrased, though…
Quaid didn't know what they were doing out so late, and she didn't really want to know, but she trusted Skye enough not to do anything foolish... which was why she kept quiet about her elder sister's nightly escapades.
-I don’t believe that there needs to be a space after the ellipsis, as that would imply a new sentence.
She turned right when she reached the top of the stairs and heard ACDC's Highway to Hellblaring from Skye's room.
-Rather than italicizing it, it should be “Highway to Hell”. A song title is always put in quotes. And there needs to be a space between “Hell” and “blaring”.
Not soon after the door hurled open, and my sister's leather-clad form filled the doorway.
-As for the verb “hurled”, nothing can hurl itself. “Was hurled” or another alternative verb would look better. Also, “Not soon after” sounds a little odd. If you mean to say it didn’t take long, then either drop “Not” or change “soon” to “long”. If you mean to say that it DID take long, then the phrase “Some time after” or anything similar would sound more appropriate.
Her fair-haired sister had probably gotten into a fight with Erik, her boyfriend.
-“She” would probably work in place of “her fair-haired sister”. I saw something like this when I was reading the Turkey City Lexicon, about unnecessary substitute-naming. Because people are afraid of overusing proper names and pronouns, they come up with all sorts of different descriptors. Everyone does it. But “she” is one of those few invisible words in the English language, so go ahead and use it. Since we already know that Skye is blonde, “her fair-haired sister” is probably irrelevant at this point.
"Nevermind." Quaid mumbled and trudged to her room, located at the end of the corridor.
-Never mind is a two-word phrase, and I believe that this is actually a single sentence, so:
“Never mind,” Quaid mumbled and trudged to her room, located at the end of the corridor.
"... this is heaven..."
-It would look more professional, per se, to just have, “This is heaven…”
Quaid soon forgot about the book that sat in her weathered bag, and sleep claimed her just as quickly, falling into an unconscious state that even an earthquake wouldn't disrupt.
-I would put a period after “quickly” and then say something more along the lines of, “She fell”. That way you wouldn’t have the faulty parallel structure that is currently present.
As her steady breathing filled the room, she didn't notice the way her bag had begun to glow an unearthly red, coming from the book she had borrowed from the Legaria.
-Personally, it probably needs to be established that Legaria is the name of the bookstore sometime earlier. I looked at this for a second and kinda thought, “…where?”
Well, I am fascinated by Quaid, who works even though she’s apparently pretty well-off. At least that’s the impression that I’m getting from her house. I enjoy the relationships she has with the other characters, especially Batty. She’s fond of him despite his socially awkward ways. I’m excited to see how the very different characters of Quaid and Royce will behave around one another.
I’ll try to get a review a day until I’m done, maybe another one later tonight after I get my homework all caught up. Ah, snow. ^_^
"Thanks," he mumbled and put them on, his baby blue eyes becoming nearly three times as large.
-Another personal. I usually see the phrase "as large" when comparing two separate objects. In this case, I feel like the phrase "their size" or something similar would be more appropriate.
At his full height, Batty was about six foot six, one of the tallest people she had ever seen.
-I dunno, I just feel like maybe you should say "Quaid had ever seen" just to make sure it's clear who we're talking about.
I enjoy the explanation for the nickname "Batty". It emphasizes his apparently reclusive nature. But being a good friend of Dahlia fleshes him out by saying it doesn't mean he can't be a nice guy.
Of course, Batty wasn't his real name.
-The "of course" sort of mismatches the tone. In fact, it almost always does no matter where you try to put it in the body of a narrative. Not to say that I am not perfectly guilty of using it myself.
Personally, I would combine the "Of course" and "Deep hollows" paragraphs, since they are both explaining Batty's character.
If there was anything she loved next to eating sweets, it would be the sheer blissfulness of being able to sit down and read a book in peace- an opportunity Batty's store readily gave.
-”If there was anything she loved next to eating sweets” strikes me as an odd statement. I understand how it’s meant, but the wording just feels somewhat awkward. I don’t really know how it might be rephrased, though…
Quaid didn't know what they were doing out so late, and she didn't really want to know, but she trusted Skye enough not to do anything foolish... which was why she kept quiet about her elder sister's nightly escapades.
-I don’t believe that there needs to be a space after the ellipsis, as that would imply a new sentence.
She turned right when she reached the top of the stairs and heard ACDC's Highway to Hellblaring from Skye's room.
-Rather than italicizing it, it should be “Highway to Hell”. A song title is always put in quotes. And there needs to be a space between “Hell” and “blaring”.
Not soon after the door hurled open, and my sister's leather-clad form filled the doorway.
-As for the verb “hurled”, nothing can hurl itself. “Was hurled” or another alternative verb would look better. Also, “Not soon after” sounds a little odd. If you mean to say it didn’t take long, then either drop “Not” or change “soon” to “long”. If you mean to say that it DID take long, then the phrase “Some time after” or anything similar would sound more appropriate.
Her fair-haired sister had probably gotten into a fight with Erik, her boyfriend.
-“She” would probably work in place of “her fair-haired sister”. I saw something like this when I was reading the Turkey City Lexicon, about unnecessary substitute-naming. Because people are afraid of overusing proper names and pronouns, they come up with all sorts of different descriptors. Everyone does it. But “she” is one of those few invisible words in the English language, so go ahead and use it. Since we already know that Skye is blonde, “her fair-haired sister” is probably irrelevant at this point.
"Nevermind." Quaid mumbled and trudged to her room, located at the end of the corridor.
-Never mind is a two-word phrase, and I believe that this is actually a single sentence, so:
“Never mind,” Quaid mumbled and trudged to her room, located at the end of the corridor.
"... this is heaven..."
-It would look more professional, per se, to just have, “This is heaven…”
Quaid soon forgot about the book that sat in her weathered bag, and sleep claimed her just as quickly, falling into an unconscious state that even an earthquake wouldn't disrupt.
-I would put a period after “quickly” and then say something more along the lines of, “She fell”. That way you wouldn’t have the faulty parallel structure that is currently present.
As her steady breathing filled the room, she didn't notice the way her bag had begun to glow an unearthly red, coming from the book she had borrowed from the Legaria.
-Personally, it probably needs to be established that Legaria is the name of the bookstore sometime earlier. I looked at this for a second and kinda thought, “…where?”
Well, I am fascinated by Quaid, who works even though she’s apparently pretty well-off. At least that’s the impression that I’m getting from her house. I enjoy the relationships she has with the other characters, especially Batty. She’s fond of him despite his socially awkward ways. I’m excited to see how the very different characters of Quaid and Royce will behave around one another.
I’ll try to get a review a day until I’m done, maybe another one later tonight after I get my homework all caught up. Ah, snow. ^_^
2/9/2011 c2 30Zie
Quaid wanted to curse the rain as she ran under the pounding sleet, yelping as she nearly slipped on the sidewalk.
-Maybe it's irrelevant, but rain and sleet are two very different things...unless this is set in the winter or early spring in the Upperworld.
A frown tugged her lips when she saw the dust that coated her pinky and she wiped it on her jeans.
-This may just be personal, but I think there should be something to link "tugged" and "lips", such as "at".
She saw the fuzz of his red hair just above the table stacked with long-forgotten bills and documents.
-Also probably personal, but some sort of punctuation, maybe a comma after "table", so it doesn't sound like the fuzz of his red hair is stacked with long-forgotten bills and documents.
30ZieQuaid wanted to curse the rain as she ran under the pounding sleet, yelping as she nearly slipped on the sidewalk.
-Maybe it's irrelevant, but rain and sleet are two very different things...unless this is set in the winter or early spring in the Upperworld.
A frown tugged her lips when she saw the dust that coated her pinky and she wiped it on her jeans.
-This may just be personal, but I think there should be something to link "tugged" and "lips", such as "at".
She saw the fuzz of his red hair just above the table stacked with long-forgotten bills and documents.
-Also probably personal, but some sort of punctuation, maybe a comma after "table", so it doesn't sound like the fuzz of his red hair is stacked with long-forgotten bills and documents.
2/9/2011 c13 4Aspiemor
I so love the relationship that plays between the two of them. Sort of like a couple, yet they arn't. Then again, dealing with a demon would probalby be a trying experiance with anyone. Well depending on the type of demon. Royce seems to be the non threatening kind, yet he has an air of power and could destroy you if he wanted, yet chooses not to.
Big twist at the end.
4AspiemorI so love the relationship that plays between the two of them. Sort of like a couple, yet they arn't. Then again, dealing with a demon would probalby be a trying experiance with anyone. Well depending on the type of demon. Royce seems to be the non threatening kind, yet he has an air of power and could destroy you if he wanted, yet chooses not to.
Big twist at the end.
2/8/2011 c1 30Zie
The first line is catchy. You set a dark mood for the rest of the chapter. In conjunction with the first full paragraph, it sets the whole magical feel for the piece.
"An aelf stepped out of the darkness then, his lithe figure draped in the obsidian clothing, covering most of his skin, save for his head Silvery-blond braids escaped the hood he wore, loose about his face like plaits of the finest silk."
-Is there supposed to be a period between "head" and "Silvery-blond"?
"They both knew what it required to open, and."
-Was there meant to be a follow up to that statement?
The diction was brilliant. It is well used with the legend backdrop to create a feel of an old, traditional story.
The end, with the whole, "I'm on a mission!" vibe, is always a great way to set up for a story, if not often seen. Still, you've used it well by sending a semi-sadistic demon to find "one of purest" intentions, rather than sending the brave knight to find the lost king or something.
I'm fascinated to see where this leads. The plot is somewhat murky at this point, but I assume it is with the intention of leaving the reader to wonder until things are explained in later chapters. I'm certainly glad that I'll be reading and reviewing more.
30ZieThe first line is catchy. You set a dark mood for the rest of the chapter. In conjunction with the first full paragraph, it sets the whole magical feel for the piece.
"An aelf stepped out of the darkness then, his lithe figure draped in the obsidian clothing, covering most of his skin, save for his head Silvery-blond braids escaped the hood he wore, loose about his face like plaits of the finest silk."
-Is there supposed to be a period between "head" and "Silvery-blond"?
"They both knew what it required to open, and."
-Was there meant to be a follow up to that statement?
The diction was brilliant. It is well used with the legend backdrop to create a feel of an old, traditional story.
The end, with the whole, "I'm on a mission!" vibe, is always a great way to set up for a story, if not often seen. Still, you've used it well by sending a semi-sadistic demon to find "one of purest" intentions, rather than sending the brave knight to find the lost king or something.
I'm fascinated to see where this leads. The plot is somewhat murky at this point, but I assume it is with the intention of leaving the reader to wonder until things are explained in later chapters. I'm certainly glad that I'll be reading and reviewing more.
2/8/2011 c13 Cybernetic
AW NAW GURLFRAN
Sassy gay guy disapproves of Prudence's boyfriend and warns everyone about the rapist in Lincoln Park.
Ok, onto the serious review.
I love this story for many reasons I have said before- sweets, demons, and a saucy originality that's just so damn cool. It's leaving me guessing, and I super duper adore that. Quaid is super easy to imagine getting into these predicaments (better phrasing needed, but I'm tired. xD), and it's just super interesting.
AW NAW GURLFRAN
Sassy gay guy disapproves of Prudence's boyfriend and warns everyone about the rapist in Lincoln Park.
Ok, onto the serious review.
I love this story for many reasons I have said before- sweets, demons, and a saucy originality that's just so damn cool. It's leaving me guessing, and I super duper adore that. Quaid is super easy to imagine getting into these predicaments (better phrasing needed, but I'm tired. xD), and it's just super interesting.
2/8/2011 c13 Anon
I like and hate the cliff hangers at the same time lol. The good thing about them is I'm just too hooked, cons: I have no idea when you'll update and you're probably thinking the same.
I completely understand the pressures of life, but god, PLEASE UPDATE SOON!
Thanks for the chap btw :)
I like and hate the cliff hangers at the same time lol. The good thing about them is I'm just too hooked, cons: I have no idea when you'll update and you're probably thinking the same.
I completely understand the pressures of life, but god, PLEASE UPDATE SOON!
Thanks for the chap btw :)
2/8/2011 c13 11KT-ImmortalIncarnate
Yay! A new chapter!
And more unbearably funny mayhem.
This was kind of short, are you planning on writing another chapter soon? I want to be entertained, and seriousness for what happens next is a good dose of fangirl medicine.
I like how you're writing has improved since the original version. It's very good.
Good luck!
KT{ImmortalIncarnate}
11KT-ImmortalIncarnateYay! A new chapter!
And more unbearably funny mayhem.
This was kind of short, are you planning on writing another chapter soon? I want to be entertained, and seriousness for what happens next is a good dose of fangirl medicine.
I like how you're writing has improved since the original version. It's very good.
Good luck!
KT{ImmortalIncarnate}