for Once upon a time kind of boys4/28/2011 c1 
3HeavensInferno
Wow. Just wow.
Beautifully written. I love how honest and afraid and human the speaker seems and the rhythm of the poem is lovely.
3HeavensInfernoWow. Just wow.
Beautifully written. I love how honest and afraid and human the speaker seems and the rhythm of the poem is lovely.
7/18/2010 c1 19S. M. Saves
I was attracted by the title. What can I say, it catches the eyes. I liked the comparison of a child meeting the ocean to falling in love (at first sight?). It was also a good way to set up the feeling of the poem. I also liked how you appealed to the senses, especially smell. Smells are ridiculously good at conjuring up memories for people. It helps the reader place herself into the narrator's mind and to think back upon her own own memories of meeting a significant other.
"with a shake of you[r] hair, they fell.": You don't like the word "your", do you? (laughs) :D
19S. M. SavesI was attracted by the title. What can I say, it catches the eyes. I liked the comparison of a child meeting the ocean to falling in love (at first sight?). It was also a good way to set up the feeling of the poem. I also liked how you appealed to the senses, especially smell. Smells are ridiculously good at conjuring up memories for people. It helps the reader place herself into the narrator's mind and to think back upon her own own memories of meeting a significant other.
"with a shake of you[r] hair, they fell.": You don't like the word "your", do you? (laughs) :D
7/6/2010 c1 17DreamingEternal
This is very well written. I really like the title: it's unique and the wording sounds convoluted but at the same time the reader knows exactly what you mean.
My favorite line: "It gathered in my lungs and never left." I've never heard anyone else describe falling in love this way: through scents and sounds that leave a lasting impression on your heart. Beautiful.
If i could add one tiny suggestion: i would have revisited the ocean motif at least once mroe towards the end in order to give the whole thing a sense of unity.
17DreamingEternalThis is very well written. I really like the title: it's unique and the wording sounds convoluted but at the same time the reader knows exactly what you mean.
My favorite line: "It gathered in my lungs and never left." I've never heard anyone else describe falling in love this way: through scents and sounds that leave a lasting impression on your heart. Beautiful.
If i could add one tiny suggestion: i would have revisited the ocean motif at least once mroe towards the end in order to give the whole thing a sense of unity.
6/24/2010 c1 Wounded-Petals
I really like the emotion that is slowly displayed in this poem and how you manage to portray each and every one differently yet nicely.
Your way of writing is very nice and unique and I enjoyed how you did it.
Great poem.
W-P
I really like the emotion that is slowly displayed in this poem and how you manage to portray each and every one differently yet nicely.
Your way of writing is very nice and unique and I enjoyed how you did it.
Great poem.
W-P
6/23/2010 c1 12lianoid
I really like this fist stanza (is that the correct term? I’m poetry challenged. Ha-ha). I thought that was a wonderful way to begin. I don’t recall the first time meeting the ocean, but I can really connect with the event. I love the use of smell again, especially combined with the “breathing in”. I thought that was a wonderful combination, and I could almost feel the salt water air flooding my lungs as I read it.
I also really like the “all too familiar smell of a boy”. It’s just so romantic my heart fluttered a bit. Such a clever way to word that. The imagery about the skin being shredded away is another great image. Kind of gruesome in a way, but beautiful.
I exhaled;/you exhaled./The wall fell to pieces./(Boy, I fell.) – Love, love, love! I also really like the use of brackets here. It adds a nice element of something else (tired, can’t think) here, and it’s almost like an internal thought within the internal thought.
“your smell and sweat between my bones” – Such an intimate line. I love the image (not in a pervy way, simply in a closeness way. I really like how you described him wanted to be so close to him).
The last line made me shiver. It started off so beautiful, and the slowly spiralled down into helplessness and then fear. Excellent work with this one. Really, top notch stuff.
12lianoidI really like this fist stanza (is that the correct term? I’m poetry challenged. Ha-ha). I thought that was a wonderful way to begin. I don’t recall the first time meeting the ocean, but I can really connect with the event. I love the use of smell again, especially combined with the “breathing in”. I thought that was a wonderful combination, and I could almost feel the salt water air flooding my lungs as I read it.
I also really like the “all too familiar smell of a boy”. It’s just so romantic my heart fluttered a bit. Such a clever way to word that. The imagery about the skin being shredded away is another great image. Kind of gruesome in a way, but beautiful.
I exhaled;/you exhaled./The wall fell to pieces./(Boy, I fell.) – Love, love, love! I also really like the use of brackets here. It adds a nice element of something else (tired, can’t think) here, and it’s almost like an internal thought within the internal thought.
“your smell and sweat between my bones” – Such an intimate line. I love the image (not in a pervy way, simply in a closeness way. I really like how you described him wanted to be so close to him).
The last line made me shiver. It started off so beautiful, and the slowly spiralled down into helplessness and then fear. Excellent work with this one. Really, top notch stuff.
6/22/2010 c1 39waitingforwhatever
I LOVE this poem-and to be honest I'm not usually a big fan of free-verse, so that's saying something.
Even just the first verse is amazing by itself-I could feel that it describes the feelings of being in love for the first time.
A couple of random suggestions:
"With every in sync breath"-connect the words "in-sync" (yeah, like that).
"boys/"-take out the thing at the end (I forget what it's called).
The end is kind of a mystery to me-the end makes me feel like it's not actually about what I think it's about. But then, that's one of the points of poetry. I think you're a lot better than you think at writing. So, keep up the good work, and don't worry so much!
39waitingforwhateverI LOVE this poem-and to be honest I'm not usually a big fan of free-verse, so that's saying something.
Even just the first verse is amazing by itself-I could feel that it describes the feelings of being in love for the first time.
A couple of random suggestions:
"With every in sync breath"-connect the words "in-sync" (yeah, like that).
"boys/"-take out the thing at the end (I forget what it's called).
The end is kind of a mystery to me-the end makes me feel like it's not actually about what I think it's about. But then, that's one of the points of poetry. I think you're a lot better than you think at writing. So, keep up the good work, and don't worry so much!
6/19/2010 c1 1Twisted vine
Oh, I love this too much for words.
My breath literally caught in my throat when I read
"(Boy, I fell.)"
1Twisted vineOh, I love this too much for words.
My breath literally caught in my throat when I read
"(Boy, I fell.)"
6/16/2010 c1 Alice Novak
Wow. This is really good!
The imagery is gorgeous!
Plus, you've got a steady rhythm, it flows well, the structure looks awesome!
Damn, girl! This is good!
Deli .x
Wow. This is really good!
The imagery is gorgeous!
Plus, you've got a steady rhythm, it flows well, the structure looks awesome!
Damn, girl! This is good!
Deli .x
6/16/2010 c1 6Devil's Playground
Oh wow, I love this. I wish I could offer some advice, but seriously, I feel like this is absolutely perfect the way it is. You really have a gift with words; you say everything so succinctly, yet so beautifully. The word choice is lovely, the imagery is gorgeous, and overall it has great rhythm and flow. It's beautiful on the surface, and the content is meaningful and original.
The opening lines are great. I adore the metaphor of seeing the ocean for the first time; I think it's a feeling that anyone could understand, even if they've never been in love, so it's very relatable.
"I exhaled;
you exhaled.
The wall fell to pieces.
(Boy, I fell.)" - This was my favorite part! It's stated so simply, almost understated, but the simplicity really works. Very impactful, and I think it so perfectly sums up that moment of falling for someone.
I love that the poem is a story in itself, and a very creative, unique one, but the feelings expressed in it are something that the reader can connect with easily. Very well done. And I'm gushing like a loser, but really, I love this. It's going straight to my favorites list.
6Devil's PlaygroundOh wow, I love this. I wish I could offer some advice, but seriously, I feel like this is absolutely perfect the way it is. You really have a gift with words; you say everything so succinctly, yet so beautifully. The word choice is lovely, the imagery is gorgeous, and overall it has great rhythm and flow. It's beautiful on the surface, and the content is meaningful and original.
The opening lines are great. I adore the metaphor of seeing the ocean for the first time; I think it's a feeling that anyone could understand, even if they've never been in love, so it's very relatable.
"I exhaled;
you exhaled.
The wall fell to pieces.
(Boy, I fell.)" - This was my favorite part! It's stated so simply, almost understated, but the simplicity really works. Very impactful, and I think it so perfectly sums up that moment of falling for someone.
I love that the poem is a story in itself, and a very creative, unique one, but the feelings expressed in it are something that the reader can connect with easily. Very well done. And I'm gushing like a loser, but really, I love this. It's going straight to my favorites list.
6/15/2010 c1 1JaffaFoose
First of all, in response to your profile, YES, you ARE good enough. Just keep working at it.
I really like how original this is. Normally when I’m reading poetry I recognize a lot of phrases and metaphors that have been around the block, as it were. Not so with this. You use some really creative phrases and ideas. Just the opening stanza is a perfect example: comparing love at first sight to a child’s overwhelming infatuation the first time he sees the ocean… very nice. Very compelling.
I also really like how you kept that ocean metaphor running through it. Phrases like “like the whoosh and crash of the ocean” and “Your words were a cold shock” really held the piece together, maintaining the setting and creating a very nice flow throughout the piece.
“The wall fell to pieces./(Boy, I fell.)”
Simply wonderful.
I did notice one mistake: “I was scared of what I became, something/I never wanting to be.” I never wanting? That should probably be wanted. And there were a couple other awkward spots that didn’t sound quite right.
But overall, I really enjoyed this. A very nice piece.
1JaffaFooseFirst of all, in response to your profile, YES, you ARE good enough. Just keep working at it.
I really like how original this is. Normally when I’m reading poetry I recognize a lot of phrases and metaphors that have been around the block, as it were. Not so with this. You use some really creative phrases and ideas. Just the opening stanza is a perfect example: comparing love at first sight to a child’s overwhelming infatuation the first time he sees the ocean… very nice. Very compelling.
I also really like how you kept that ocean metaphor running through it. Phrases like “like the whoosh and crash of the ocean” and “Your words were a cold shock” really held the piece together, maintaining the setting and creating a very nice flow throughout the piece.
“The wall fell to pieces./(Boy, I fell.)”
Simply wonderful.
I did notice one mistake: “I was scared of what I became, something/I never wanting to be.” I never wanting? That should probably be wanted. And there were a couple other awkward spots that didn’t sound quite right.
But overall, I really enjoyed this. A very nice piece.
6/15/2010 c1 this wild abyss
This was...different. It started off amazing and just got better. It was definitely not what I was expecting, but that's okay. The flow of the poem was good, and the word choice was perfect for the scene. This piece really painted a picture for me, and I'm glad I found it. Nicely done!
Adonnen (The Roadhouse)
P.S. I'd love a review on my poem 'My House' if you don't mind.
This was...different. It started off amazing and just got better. It was definitely not what I was expecting, but that's okay. The flow of the poem was good, and the word choice was perfect for the scene. This piece really painted a picture for me, and I'm glad I found it. Nicely done!
Adonnen (The Roadhouse)
P.S. I'd love a review on my poem 'My House' if you don't mind.
6/14/2010 c1 8Kobra Kid
YOU ARE AN AMAZING POET!
How do you come up with these things? Like, seriously. Everything was perfect, the flow, the words, the structure, everything! Keep on writing! :D
~B. Cross
P.S. Please payback via Rise From The Ashes?
8Kobra KidYOU ARE AN AMAZING POET!
How do you come up with these things? Like, seriously. Everything was perfect, the flow, the words, the structure, everything! Keep on writing! :D
~B. Cross
P.S. Please payback via Rise From The Ashes?
6/14/2010 c1 1esthaelum
1st verse
- I liked the start of it. It had a happy and sort of reminiscing atmosphere to it. I love your description of the salt and water and instantly loving it. =D
2nd verse
- AAW. This is so sweet... I must admit that most boys I know do smell of soap (not that I go around sniffing every man I know...)
3rd verse
- Very relatable... I liked the strong emotions on this verse. It's almost like she's trying to fight it.
4th verse
- Nice description on their surroundings... This sounds very beautiful and peaceful.
5th verse
- I loved the sentence in brackets! Great effect!
6th verse
- Forbidden love..? AAH! Is this slash? If so, then NICE TWIST! I didn't expect that actually. No matter the person was talking about walls and so on!
7th verse
- Beautifully tragic verse... The way he says it is rather brutal and sad...
8th verse
- A sad ending...
I loved this poem. The little twist you had in the end was beautiful.
1esthaelum1st verse
- I liked the start of it. It had a happy and sort of reminiscing atmosphere to it. I love your description of the salt and water and instantly loving it. =D
2nd verse
- AAW. This is so sweet... I must admit that most boys I know do smell of soap (not that I go around sniffing every man I know...)
3rd verse
- Very relatable... I liked the strong emotions on this verse. It's almost like she's trying to fight it.
4th verse
- Nice description on their surroundings... This sounds very beautiful and peaceful.
5th verse
- I loved the sentence in brackets! Great effect!
6th verse
- Forbidden love..? AAH! Is this slash? If so, then NICE TWIST! I didn't expect that actually. No matter the person was talking about walls and so on!
7th verse
- Beautifully tragic verse... The way he says it is rather brutal and sad...
8th verse
- A sad ending...
I loved this poem. The little twist you had in the end was beautiful.
6/14/2010 c1 9Experiment101
God I love the way you write poems, it is simply romantic and awesome, E- From the road house.
9Experiment101God I love the way you write poems, it is simply romantic and awesome, E- From the road house.