for 27 Club7/4/2010 c2 this wild abyss
Another interesting chapter. The story doesn't really seem to be going anywhere, though, so I suggest you pick up the pace a little. Um, there were quite a few spelling/grammar errors, too.
Another interesting chapter. The story doesn't really seem to be going anywhere, though, so I suggest you pick up the pace a little. Um, there were quite a few spelling/grammar errors, too.
7/1/2010 c1 WutNow
Here from the Roadhouse!
I was interested in this story because you said it was located in San Francisco. I thought you captured our image perfectly lol, so kudo points for you.
I really liked this introduction. It describes the environment, as well as the people who inhabit it. Not only that, but you managed to give the main character a very strong voice in the prologue, which I really liked. I'm not entirely sure what he looks like (of course, he has piercings as you emphasized) but I wished you described his features a little more. I'm sure he has a very cool hairstyle, right? haha.
The only thing I would work on is trying to find a better transition for your sentences. Everything is connected by commas that could have been a new sentence, and they dragged on for me a bit. Drag meaning not "long, too informative" kind of thing, but the words slurred through and I thought you could have executed that a little better.
Since it is only the prologue, I don't know what else to offer in suggestions to plot development/ character development and all that jazz. Overall, interesting prologue :).
Hope you liked this review. I can't wait to hear from you soon!
-Agent
Here from the Roadhouse!
I was interested in this story because you said it was located in San Francisco. I thought you captured our image perfectly lol, so kudo points for you.
I really liked this introduction. It describes the environment, as well as the people who inhabit it. Not only that, but you managed to give the main character a very strong voice in the prologue, which I really liked. I'm not entirely sure what he looks like (of course, he has piercings as you emphasized) but I wished you described his features a little more. I'm sure he has a very cool hairstyle, right? haha.
The only thing I would work on is trying to find a better transition for your sentences. Everything is connected by commas that could have been a new sentence, and they dragged on for me a bit. Drag meaning not "long, too informative" kind of thing, but the words slurred through and I thought you could have executed that a little better.
Since it is only the prologue, I don't know what else to offer in suggestions to plot development/ character development and all that jazz. Overall, interesting prologue :).
Hope you liked this review. I can't wait to hear from you soon!
-Agent
7/1/2010 c2 
6MeAsIAm
Nice chapter.
The floor boomed of the DNA lounge
- The floor of the DNA lounge boomed
I sat with my buddy at the bar, his name was Nix, his blue hair was electric, gauged ears with clear piercings, that I did them for him several years ago.
- This sentence is very confusing. You can break it down to two or more like:
I sat with my buddy Nix at the bar. His hair was electric blue and he had gauged his ears with cheap earrings. I had pierced them for him several years ago.
One thing I noticed was the lack of description. Some more description about DNA lounge, the crowd, his association with the place etc would have helped to get a general idea of his world.
This sentence is too long to make any sense :
Receiving only a few odd looks from the straight edge kids who liked to dress up once a week and pretend to be something different, they wanted to pretend to be us.
- You can rephrase it as-
We received only a few odd looks from the straight edged kids who dressed up once a week to pretend to be something different. Truth was, they wanted to pretend to be us.
(But why? You can add that here. Maybe the sheer feeling of freedom and without any inhibitions.)
The drug scene is very subtle, which I think is hardly the case in reality. Some more description about it would make things seem believable.
Same goes for the rest of the chapter. The character is nicely paced and we can feel his emotions.
The cliffhanger was nice. Waiting for more! :)
6MeAsIAmNice chapter.
The floor boomed of the DNA lounge
- The floor of the DNA lounge boomed
I sat with my buddy at the bar, his name was Nix, his blue hair was electric, gauged ears with clear piercings, that I did them for him several years ago.
- This sentence is very confusing. You can break it down to two or more like:
I sat with my buddy Nix at the bar. His hair was electric blue and he had gauged his ears with cheap earrings. I had pierced them for him several years ago.
One thing I noticed was the lack of description. Some more description about DNA lounge, the crowd, his association with the place etc would have helped to get a general idea of his world.
This sentence is too long to make any sense :
Receiving only a few odd looks from the straight edge kids who liked to dress up once a week and pretend to be something different, they wanted to pretend to be us.
- You can rephrase it as-
We received only a few odd looks from the straight edged kids who dressed up once a week to pretend to be something different. Truth was, they wanted to pretend to be us.
(But why? You can add that here. Maybe the sheer feeling of freedom and without any inhibitions.)
The drug scene is very subtle, which I think is hardly the case in reality. Some more description about it would make things seem believable.
Same goes for the rest of the chapter. The character is nicely paced and we can feel his emotions.
The cliffhanger was nice. Waiting for more! :)
6/28/2010 c2 4lookingwest
From RH
The floor boomed of the DNA lounge...
-Edit: "The floor of the DNA lounge boomed...
"Do You want a bump man?"
-Edit: un-capitalize 'You' unless it's a name
...it generally wasn't to much trouble...
-Edit: wrong "to" needs to be "too"
I think you're too subtle with the drug use actually. I'd like more detail to it-if it's a huge part of these guy's lifestyle, than it definitley needs to be elaborated more than just "going to the bathroom" or "taking a cruise". Have you seen the movie Trainspotting? Just wondering, it kind of reminds me of that, but way more subtle. I think you could really amp it up with some extra description about the drug use. I'd like to know what kind, for instance.
"Alright, everyone move it out side..."
-Edit: "out side" should be one word, "outside"
...unexpectedly my arm was grabbed;
-Edit: just end it with a period, so insert that instead of the semicolon after "grabbed"
...her sparkling Emerald eyes knew I was lying...
-Edit: un-capitalize "Emerald" unless it's a name
...a long time friend to me,
we both laughed...
-Edit: "we both laughed" should be in the same line as the sentence it started with, following "me,"
... I reached home I knew it was that,
it was shitty but it was mine.
-Edit: "it was shitty but it was mine." should be in the same line as the sentence it's part of, following "that,"
"Hey Jude~" I began to sing...
-Edit: use a proper EM Dash instead of the squiggle dash
I said in boast of victory,
pulling the small silver key from my pocket.
-Edit: "pulling the small silver key from my pocket." needs to be in the same line as "I said in boast of victory" because it's part of the same sentence
"Stand back." I demanded...
-Edit: needs to be a comma instead of a period after "back"
...enough to knock me on the ground...
-Edit: "ground" needs to be "floor" because the characters are inside a building
Overall I think this chapter needs another look over for a lot of distracting minor editing problems, but as far as the content I think it's got a good character base. I would have liked more description from the certain scenes, especially while in DNA, and more focus on how the drugs felt or what it felt like coming down from them too. Though a lot happened, I don't feel like I got into the character's thought processes enough. The dialogue work, however, was fun and consistently paced, so I enjoyed this chapter overall, I thought it ended in a way that makes me want to continue reading.
4lookingwestFrom RH
The floor boomed of the DNA lounge...
-Edit: "The floor of the DNA lounge boomed...
"Do You want a bump man?"
-Edit: un-capitalize 'You' unless it's a name
...it generally wasn't to much trouble...
-Edit: wrong "to" needs to be "too"
I think you're too subtle with the drug use actually. I'd like more detail to it-if it's a huge part of these guy's lifestyle, than it definitley needs to be elaborated more than just "going to the bathroom" or "taking a cruise". Have you seen the movie Trainspotting? Just wondering, it kind of reminds me of that, but way more subtle. I think you could really amp it up with some extra description about the drug use. I'd like to know what kind, for instance.
"Alright, everyone move it out side..."
-Edit: "out side" should be one word, "outside"
...unexpectedly my arm was grabbed;
-Edit: just end it with a period, so insert that instead of the semicolon after "grabbed"
...her sparkling Emerald eyes knew I was lying...
-Edit: un-capitalize "Emerald" unless it's a name
...a long time friend to me,
we both laughed...
-Edit: "we both laughed" should be in the same line as the sentence it started with, following "me,"
... I reached home I knew it was that,
it was shitty but it was mine.
-Edit: "it was shitty but it was mine." should be in the same line as the sentence it's part of, following "that,"
"Hey Jude~" I began to sing...
-Edit: use a proper EM Dash instead of the squiggle dash
I said in boast of victory,
pulling the small silver key from my pocket.
-Edit: "pulling the small silver key from my pocket." needs to be in the same line as "I said in boast of victory" because it's part of the same sentence
"Stand back." I demanded...
-Edit: needs to be a comma instead of a period after "back"
...enough to knock me on the ground...
-Edit: "ground" needs to be "floor" because the characters are inside a building
Overall I think this chapter needs another look over for a lot of distracting minor editing problems, but as far as the content I think it's got a good character base. I would have liked more description from the certain scenes, especially while in DNA, and more focus on how the drugs felt or what it felt like coming down from them too. Though a lot happened, I don't feel like I got into the character's thought processes enough. The dialogue work, however, was fun and consistently paced, so I enjoyed this chapter overall, I thought it ended in a way that makes me want to continue reading.
6/27/2010 c1 23AvidWriter-92
I definitely think this is going to go somewhere great! :)
I think that you set the tone very nicely, and waited until the very end to add your hook that draws the readers in…
:P
I thought that the descriptions of Brian were very cool. He seems like a very tough person, but I bet he has a heart beneath all his piercings and belts. :P
Hmm, I wonder what the 27 club is… I think I have an idea, but I’ll keep it to myself for now, and let you know later if I was right or not. :P
The only thing that you could work on is making several of the sentences less long. They kind of run on a bit, esp in the first two paragraphs…
“They ran up and down in a grid fashion[,] intertwined with free[-]ways, and infested with the homeless[.]”
“[If you looked up, you could barely see the skyline[;] all you could see was the sid[es] of buildings.]”
~That is how I would fix the first paragraph… I think it flows better now, and is less confusing to read. (You don’t have to fix it exactly this way. Do whatever you wish. :P)
~Same type of thing for the second paragraph… Make sure you start a new sentence for every new idea. :)
Otherwise, it’s off to a great start! :D
~Avid, via Roadhouse… (repaying review from a long… time ago. :) 1/1. :D)
23AvidWriter-92I definitely think this is going to go somewhere great! :)
I think that you set the tone very nicely, and waited until the very end to add your hook that draws the readers in…
:P
I thought that the descriptions of Brian were very cool. He seems like a very tough person, but I bet he has a heart beneath all his piercings and belts. :P
Hmm, I wonder what the 27 club is… I think I have an idea, but I’ll keep it to myself for now, and let you know later if I was right or not. :P
The only thing that you could work on is making several of the sentences less long. They kind of run on a bit, esp in the first two paragraphs…
“They ran up and down in a grid fashion[,] intertwined with free[-]ways, and infested with the homeless[.]”
“[If you looked up, you could barely see the skyline[;] all you could see was the sid[es] of buildings.]”
~That is how I would fix the first paragraph… I think it flows better now, and is less confusing to read. (You don’t have to fix it exactly this way. Do whatever you wish. :P)
~Same type of thing for the second paragraph… Make sure you start a new sentence for every new idea. :)
Otherwise, it’s off to a great start! :D
~Avid, via Roadhouse… (repaying review from a long… time ago. :) 1/1. :D)
6/25/2010 c2 99Dreamers-Requiem
So obviously the plot is progressing here, and it's done quite well, but right now it feels like the start was put in JUST for the drug use. You might want to read over some of it; some of the sentences are a bit awkward.
"I sat with my buddy at the bar, his name was Nix, his blue hair was electric, gauged ears with clear piercings, that I did them for him several years ago."
Might be better as "I sat with my buddy Nix at the bar. His hair was electric blue, and several years ago I had gauged his ears..."
"only a few odd looks from the straight edge kids who liked to dress up once a week and pretend to be something different, they wanted to pretend to be us"
This stands out to me. People choose to be straight edge, so why would they WANT to be something different?
Some sentences seem to cut off before they're completed, and are continued on another line. You might want to sort out the formatting.
"that was indeed in his words, fucked," feels like it's not needed.
Most things you might pick up on if you re-read it.
Anyway, nice hook used at the end, a good cliffhanger. Makes me eager to see the next chapter.
99Dreamers-RequiemSo obviously the plot is progressing here, and it's done quite well, but right now it feels like the start was put in JUST for the drug use. You might want to read over some of it; some of the sentences are a bit awkward.
"I sat with my buddy at the bar, his name was Nix, his blue hair was electric, gauged ears with clear piercings, that I did them for him several years ago."
Might be better as "I sat with my buddy Nix at the bar. His hair was electric blue, and several years ago I had gauged his ears..."
"only a few odd looks from the straight edge kids who liked to dress up once a week and pretend to be something different, they wanted to pretend to be us"
This stands out to me. People choose to be straight edge, so why would they WANT to be something different?
Some sentences seem to cut off before they're completed, and are continued on another line. You might want to sort out the formatting.
"that was indeed in his words, fucked," feels like it's not needed.
Most things you might pick up on if you re-read it.
Anyway, nice hook used at the end, a good cliffhanger. Makes me eager to see the next chapter.
6/17/2010 c1 4lookingwest
From RH
...get out of this shit town and make it my self...
-Edit: "my self" should be one word "myself"
...any one would tell you so.
-Edit: "any one" should be one word "anyone"
My hair often changed color and style,
-Edit: needs period instead of comma after "style"
So, hm. 27 Club is the famous club that Kurt Cobain, ect. belongs to right? Because they all died at 27? I'm wondering how you'll tie that in or how you'll make it more original. I'd almost suggest though, that once you get your first chapter up, to combine it with this prologue, because it's rather short and I think it'd be nice to get a little more from the story. It sets up a character well, I didn't find myself too bored with the descriptions, since it was in first person it was interesting because the narrative voice made it sound like our narrator is telling us a story directly, which was the overall feel I think you were aiming for. You presented the reader well with a good opening setting and character, it'll be interesting to see where you take it.
4lookingwestFrom RH
...get out of this shit town and make it my self...
-Edit: "my self" should be one word "myself"
...any one would tell you so.
-Edit: "any one" should be one word "anyone"
My hair often changed color and style,
-Edit: needs period instead of comma after "style"
So, hm. 27 Club is the famous club that Kurt Cobain, ect. belongs to right? Because they all died at 27? I'm wondering how you'll tie that in or how you'll make it more original. I'd almost suggest though, that once you get your first chapter up, to combine it with this prologue, because it's rather short and I think it'd be nice to get a little more from the story. It sets up a character well, I didn't find myself too bored with the descriptions, since it was in first person it was interesting because the narrative voice made it sound like our narrator is telling us a story directly, which was the overall feel I think you were aiming for. You presented the reader well with a good opening setting and character, it'll be interesting to see where you take it.
6/15/2010 c1 TymCon
"inter twined", i don;t think there's meant to be a space between those words.
"The hustle and bustle of its interracial capacity painted it a colorful image, walking down the street you would see who called themselves free-lance musicians trying to make a name; really they were homeless and trying to make a buck, walking passed every other street corner hearing the tune of someone's life story was an array of intrigue.", that sentence is way too long. That sounds kind of weird but if a sentence is too long the reader will lose attention.
It's a nice first chpater. Your sentences are a bit too long, and it's a prolougue so i can;t really say anyhting about characters. Your descriptons are okay, again t's an introduction so there's nothing really going on yet. But it's still preety good.
Repay to Eden.:P
"inter twined", i don;t think there's meant to be a space between those words.
"The hustle and bustle of its interracial capacity painted it a colorful image, walking down the street you would see who called themselves free-lance musicians trying to make a name; really they were homeless and trying to make a buck, walking passed every other street corner hearing the tune of someone's life story was an array of intrigue.", that sentence is way too long. That sounds kind of weird but if a sentence is too long the reader will lose attention.
It's a nice first chpater. Your sentences are a bit too long, and it's a prolougue so i can;t really say anyhting about characters. Your descriptons are okay, again t's an introduction so there's nothing really going on yet. But it's still preety good.
Repay to Eden.:P
6/15/2010 c1 this wild abyss
Interesting way to start off a story. You writing and word choice were all done well, and the premise seemed original. Looking forward to reading more. (:
Adonnen (The Roadhouse)
P.S. I'd love a review for my poem 'My House' if you don't mind.
Interesting way to start off a story. You writing and word choice were all done well, and the premise seemed original. Looking forward to reading more. (:
Adonnen (The Roadhouse)
P.S. I'd love a review for my poem 'My House' if you don't mind.
6/15/2010 c1 flight06
n a grid fashion and were inter twined with free ways and infested with the homeless, you could barely see the sky line if you looked up,
-"with the homeless; you could barely"-
This city had secrets, and they were dirty. The night life was always booming no matter what day of the week it was.
-I feel like these two sentences don't mesh well. The last sentence just takes on such a different topic, that I'm left wondering what kinds of secrets the city has, not caring about the bustling, hot club scene.-
musicians trying to make a name, really they were homeless
-again, consider "make a name; really they"-
tune of someone's life story was an array of intrigue.
-I really like this; it shows the troubles of the citizens-
make it my self, I usually walked in a pack like wolves
-"myself" and either ';' or '.' then "I usually"-
our belts was better than one
-"were better", remember plural versus singular-
Adorn with piercings
-"Adorned with"- making sure you keep your tenses consistent
"infection," but that's probably just a mis-hit on the keyboard.
The beginning starts off vague, not sure where we're going, but you do hold my interest. You make me wonder where you fit into this picture, starting off with your punk clothes.
And then the age factor and the last sentence. Let's where you take it from here!
Just make sure you don't go on tangents and get to the point. I don't really care that you are wearing New Rocks, but perhaps that gives you personality?
n a grid fashion and were inter twined with free ways and infested with the homeless, you could barely see the sky line if you looked up,
-"with the homeless; you could barely"-
This city had secrets, and they were dirty. The night life was always booming no matter what day of the week it was.
-I feel like these two sentences don't mesh well. The last sentence just takes on such a different topic, that I'm left wondering what kinds of secrets the city has, not caring about the bustling, hot club scene.-
musicians trying to make a name, really they were homeless
-again, consider "make a name; really they"-
tune of someone's life story was an array of intrigue.
-I really like this; it shows the troubles of the citizens-
make it my self, I usually walked in a pack like wolves
-"myself" and either ';' or '.' then "I usually"-
our belts was better than one
-"were better", remember plural versus singular-
Adorn with piercings
-"Adorned with"- making sure you keep your tenses consistent
"infection," but that's probably just a mis-hit on the keyboard.
The beginning starts off vague, not sure where we're going, but you do hold my interest. You make me wonder where you fit into this picture, starting off with your punk clothes.
And then the age factor and the last sentence. Let's where you take it from here!
Just make sure you don't go on tangents and get to the point. I don't really care that you are wearing New Rocks, but perhaps that gives you personality?
6/15/2010 c1 10Vroooommmmmm
good interesting stuff...descriptions are good enpough...but sometimes you tend to have longer sentences..try reducing them to readable lengths...for example the first para...otherwise good work..wud like to see how it unfolds
10Vroooommmmmmgood interesting stuff...descriptions are good enpough...but sometimes you tend to have longer sentences..try reducing them to readable lengths...for example the first para...otherwise good work..wud like to see how it unfolds
6/15/2010 c1 99Dreamers-Requiem
Really interesting concept, one which I hope you expand on. However, I think you need to show, not tell, especially with the city. Build up the feel of it, sort of thing, and we don't really get an insight into his personality here, just his appearence. I know some of shows the kind of person he is, but maybe you could have him bump into someone, show his interaction with them?
"I had one tattoo..." might sound better as "I have..."
Anyway, please continue with this; I'd like to see where it goes!
99Dreamers-RequiemReally interesting concept, one which I hope you expand on. However, I think you need to show, not tell, especially with the city. Build up the feel of it, sort of thing, and we don't really get an insight into his personality here, just his appearence. I know some of shows the kind of person he is, but maybe you could have him bump into someone, show his interaction with them?
"I had one tattoo..." might sound better as "I have..."
Anyway, please continue with this; I'd like to see where it goes!
6/14/2010 c1 8Kobra Kid
This is just a personal thing, but I think there should be a comma (one of these : , ) after [Today I sport my favorite green liberty spikies.]
:). Good intro, I can't wait for more so update ! :P
~B. Cross
8Kobra KidThis is just a personal thing, but I think there should be a comma (one of these : , ) after [Today I sport my favorite green liberty spikies.]
:). Good intro, I can't wait for more so update ! :P
~B. Cross
6/14/2010 c1 Alice Novak
I think its' a really nice prologue!
The layout of it is stunning, really. Enrapturing, even!
You've managed to describe both the city and Bryan well.
I can already imagine him walking down the streets in his green spiky hair.
Need I say that I think Bryan's a lovely character about to be born? XD
Deli .x
I think its' a really nice prologue!
The layout of it is stunning, really. Enrapturing, even!
You've managed to describe both the city and Bryan well.
I can already imagine him walking down the streets in his green spiky hair.
Need I say that I think Bryan's a lovely character about to be born? XD
Deli .x
6/14/2010 c1 1esthaelum
I think you managed to capture the city's image very well into your writing. You made it sound rather cramped and somehow unpleasant. Bryan's an interesting character actually. I haven't come across a character who's so eccentric in appearance as him. This looks interesting so far :)
1esthaelumI think you managed to capture the city's image very well into your writing. You made it sound rather cramped and somehow unpleasant. Bryan's an interesting character actually. I haven't come across a character who's so eccentric in appearance as him. This looks interesting so far :)